I've been really emotional lately, and I'm just not quite sure why. I don't want to say I'm feeling depressed, because that isn't true. I've been teary and feeling like crying a lot, not necessarily sad crying, more a "that's really touching" crying although there isn't always something specific that I'm teary about. What I'm feeling is more of a longing than sadness. Longing for what? I don't know. That is what makes it frustrating.
Back in the day, before I realized there was a chemical contribution to my fluctuating emotions, what made it so hard was feeling like I was out of control. I didn't understand where the feelings were coming from so there was nothing I could do about it, no productive way to respond. As a medicated adult with access to great therapy I've regained a sense of control. I can't control my emotions, but I understand there is a chemical aspect that makes my emotional responses a little more extreme and, generally, I can pinpoint a few external factors that are triggering the emotions. Just knowing makes me feel in control and I know the extreme emotion will pass.
I want to reiterate that I am not sad. In fact, my life is pretty damn awesome right now. Things are going really good for me and I feel like I'm in great control of my life right now. BUT...this is the first time in a while I have had that feeling like I have no control over or understanding of my emotions. In fact, life being so great right now is part of the reason I feel so out of control, because I DON'T understand where this longing and surge of emotion is coming from.
There is this gnawing void in my gut and it is palpable; I physically feel it. Where is it coming from? What is it exactly that I want? And if I'm not going to find the answers to those questions then at least, when is it going to go away?
The truth is, I'm kind of an emotion junkie and for awhile, I was digging this. I liked feeling all pensive and emotional and DEEP. I was kind of enjoying escaping into myself, into my mind, just thinking and FEELING. But, usually it doesn't last this long, especially if there is no obvious external trigger.Now, I'm just sick of it. It's draining and I'm sick of feeling so much.
Epiphany! I'm sitting in my room, trying to write this, and my children are constantly coming in and interrupting me. I get almost zero ME time. Seriously, I almost never get to just be alone and do what I want. Kyle and I also almost never get alone US time. Me time is definitely part of what I am longing for. I don't think that explains everything. However, I think if I had more alone time it would calm my brain, relax the chemical reactions, and therefore lesson the emotional state. It also might give me more time to get to the bottom of the possible external factors.
So, that was my alone time for today. Now I'm going to go clean the house, even though I don't want to, because it needs to be cleaned and I will feel better afterwards.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
I'm Really Going To Write This Blog This Time
I have started a new post and then deleted it about three times already. Sometimes the things in my head are so intense and all over the place, it's just not the right time to write even though when they're that intense I really, really, want to get them out.
Maybe the reason I feel I can write today is because I have some more tangible places I can start, discussing what I'm actually doing or going to do today rather than just trying to organize jumbled thoughts and emotions.
Right now my son is at his call-back audition for Northwest Children's Theater's kid's drama company which is called Kid's Company. I'm nervous for him but very proud of him. I really think drama is his niche; he is naturally talented when it comes to standing up in front of people and being charismatic. Whenever he gives speeches at school he always WOWS his teachers because he adds in that dramatic flair and often uses props. I think he has a really good chance of making it, but I also really want him to understand that it is ok if he doesn't. It doesn't mean he isn't good or he messed up. I'm proud of him no matter what but he is still a novice and it might take more time. I, of course, told him all of this before he went to the auditions today.
So I am sitting here at a coffee shop FINALLY writing this blog. The thing is, I don't have to go back to pick him up until 2 and I totally could go home and clean or help Kyle out with the little monster (Mimi). I probably should. Kyle is totally hungover (though I am a bit too) and I feel kind of guilty just taking the next three hours to myself. It's kind of selfish of me. But I'm going to do it anyway. I just feel like I NEED it today and I totally don't feel like being at home or even going on some activity with Mimi. I just don't think I have the patience today.
I guess part of the way I justify hanging with myself today is that I just finished my first week of school (as a teacher). Teaching is exhausting. Period point blank. Sometimes I forget how exhausting it is over the summer. I think that is the intangible thing about teaching that makes it so hard and that those who don't teach don't understand. Sure, we get a lot of vacation and maybe we don't work as many hours as some other people (but we definitely work more than 40 hours a week during the school year). But what I think a lot of people don't understand is that when you are teaching you are ON all day. Adding in supervision you get about 25 minutes for lunch and that is pretty much it for breaks. Yes, we get a 45 minute prep, but there is shit to do so it really isn't a break. And when you are ON you are expending a lot of energy that I'm not even sure how to describe. Emotional energy maybe? These kids need so much from me: love, discipline, patience, understanding, connection, and more. Giving all that at once to 170 kids at a time (or at least 35 in a class at once) is very, very draining. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. It is ok that these kids need all those things. Kids are supposed to need a lot of things. And believe me, when it comes to the students, I love my job. I love giving them those things. The way public education is going these days, it is really the ONLY reason I do it anymore. Giving these kids what they need is super rewarding and pretty ego boosting at times as well.
OK, good, this is working. See, the best way for me to organize my thoughts enough to pin-point what I need to talk about is to start with the tangible and eventually it will connect me to a single thought/emotion that I can then articulate because it is not jumbled with all the others. So here it is. I think as an adult I often feel like I'm not getting enough validation. I mean, I'm a big girl. You grow up and you are not supposed to need the intense kind of validation we give kids. Maybe it is a sign of my immaturity or because I'm self-absorbed or because my mom over-did the validation when I was a kid so I feel like I need more. I don't know. But sometimes I feel empty and want to be boosted up with praise and validation. As adults I don't think we get a lot of that from each other. I mean, we do, but not the really intense, emotional validation I'm looking for. So now to tie it back to what I was talking about before. That's why I think I need teaching and my students. They are the ones who give me that intense validation I so desperately crave. Though there are definitely adults I would like to get more of it from, the students simultaneously empty me and fill me back up.
I've talked about this before I previous blogs I've written, though its been a few years. I really miss the emotional connections younger friendships created. Those friendships I had from about the age of 15 to 24 were the best friendships of my life. Those friendships are not gone; I am still very good friends with the most important people of that time in my life. But the friendships have changed. Of course they have changed. We grew up, got careers, started families of our own, moved away from one another. There is no way we could have maintained the intensity of those relationships. But god I miss it.
I think for a lot of people they feel your spouse should fill that void. Your spouse becomes the person you have that intense, deep, emotional relationship with. And yes, your spouse should be your friend and in a good major he/she is. But it is still not the same; it's just not.
I miss porch philosophy with Seth. I miss midnight hiking with Ben. I miss driving around all night with Melinda getting really, you know, DEEP. I miss getting drunk and all sentimental and hugging and telling each other how much we love each other and how special our friendships are. I don't know that we CAN'T do that anymore, but it is more difficult and we don't. Of course, none of them live near me so yeah, that's a problem. When I do see them the time is somewhat limited, often our kids are there, and I do think there is some societal block we all feel that you aren't SUPPOSED to do those things anymore.
I do have a few close friends here in Portland. I mean, it's not the same because they didn't grow up with me and go through all my shit with me like Seth, Ben, and Melinda. But they have still become really good friends. Again though, it is just not the same. We go out drinking sometimes but generally temper ourselves and don't get too crazy. We certainly don't have deep, philosophical discussions at 2 in the morning in the park. Why? Well one, I have a family and can't be staying out until 2 very often. But I COULD do it every once in a while. Maybe my friends aren't quite as philosophical as me or in their adult wisdom feel like they've already hashed all that out and there isn't much to talk about anymore. I don't know. Maybe they think I don't want to or can't because I have a family. I'm just not sure. I definitely haven't made those kind of connections with them where the friendship is based on those deep, emotional, meaning of life discussions because I wasn't an adolescent or teen with them and, of course, that is when your brain is really wrapping its head around that stuff and that's what you really NEED your friends for.
But I feel like I still need it.
Again, I really may speak to the fact that I never really grew out of adolescence. I mean, I matured, became more responsible, etc. I had to. But a lot of those other things, emotions, questions that others grow out of, I didn't.
So, I'm really emotional, pensive, nostalgic right now. I have been for awhile. Maybe the last three weeks. I know it started with the impending transition. Transition is always hard for me. School year to summer. Summer to school year. I LIKE change. I need it. But it is still hard. It's like even though these things end and begin yearly, I still have to mourn the loss EVERY TIME. I have to mourn the loss of another group of students that I grew to love moving on. Our I have to mourn the loss of summer and sleeping in and reading and outside, outside, outside.
Speaking of outside, once I realized I was going to be selfish today and take it all to myself I decided that after I right this blog in the coffee shop I am going to head up to Washington Park and take a solitary hike. One of my two favorite things to do in the world. I totally wore the wrong shoes because it wasn't even on my radar that I could do that if I wanted but, oh well. I once hiked up a steep, snowy trail in Danskos. So yeah, I can go to my sanctuary (outdoors) and muse in my mind and cry without anyone seeing me (hopefully) and, you know, immerse myself in the emotion which I have to admit, I like to do even if it makes me feel kind of sad or confused.
I digress. Transition. I started getting emotional because I knew transition was coming. And honestly, I ran out of my meds and didn't take them for two days AND had PMS. All those things were the impetus. But I did transition back into school smoothly, and I have my meds and the PMS is gone, but the emotional state persists and that's ok. I think I need to go through one of these a few times a year just to get it all out. It's cathartic.
I think that's all for now. There are still jumbles, lots of jumbles in my head and some of they may not even be possible to articulate. But this helped. I got some of it out.
Maybe the reason I feel I can write today is because I have some more tangible places I can start, discussing what I'm actually doing or going to do today rather than just trying to organize jumbled thoughts and emotions.
Right now my son is at his call-back audition for Northwest Children's Theater's kid's drama company which is called Kid's Company. I'm nervous for him but very proud of him. I really think drama is his niche; he is naturally talented when it comes to standing up in front of people and being charismatic. Whenever he gives speeches at school he always WOWS his teachers because he adds in that dramatic flair and often uses props. I think he has a really good chance of making it, but I also really want him to understand that it is ok if he doesn't. It doesn't mean he isn't good or he messed up. I'm proud of him no matter what but he is still a novice and it might take more time. I, of course, told him all of this before he went to the auditions today.
So I am sitting here at a coffee shop FINALLY writing this blog. The thing is, I don't have to go back to pick him up until 2 and I totally could go home and clean or help Kyle out with the little monster (Mimi). I probably should. Kyle is totally hungover (though I am a bit too) and I feel kind of guilty just taking the next three hours to myself. It's kind of selfish of me. But I'm going to do it anyway. I just feel like I NEED it today and I totally don't feel like being at home or even going on some activity with Mimi. I just don't think I have the patience today.
I guess part of the way I justify hanging with myself today is that I just finished my first week of school (as a teacher). Teaching is exhausting. Period point blank. Sometimes I forget how exhausting it is over the summer. I think that is the intangible thing about teaching that makes it so hard and that those who don't teach don't understand. Sure, we get a lot of vacation and maybe we don't work as many hours as some other people (but we definitely work more than 40 hours a week during the school year). But what I think a lot of people don't understand is that when you are teaching you are ON all day. Adding in supervision you get about 25 minutes for lunch and that is pretty much it for breaks. Yes, we get a 45 minute prep, but there is shit to do so it really isn't a break. And when you are ON you are expending a lot of energy that I'm not even sure how to describe. Emotional energy maybe? These kids need so much from me: love, discipline, patience, understanding, connection, and more. Giving all that at once to 170 kids at a time (or at least 35 in a class at once) is very, very draining. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. It is ok that these kids need all those things. Kids are supposed to need a lot of things. And believe me, when it comes to the students, I love my job. I love giving them those things. The way public education is going these days, it is really the ONLY reason I do it anymore. Giving these kids what they need is super rewarding and pretty ego boosting at times as well.
OK, good, this is working. See, the best way for me to organize my thoughts enough to pin-point what I need to talk about is to start with the tangible and eventually it will connect me to a single thought/emotion that I can then articulate because it is not jumbled with all the others. So here it is. I think as an adult I often feel like I'm not getting enough validation. I mean, I'm a big girl. You grow up and you are not supposed to need the intense kind of validation we give kids. Maybe it is a sign of my immaturity or because I'm self-absorbed or because my mom over-did the validation when I was a kid so I feel like I need more. I don't know. But sometimes I feel empty and want to be boosted up with praise and validation. As adults I don't think we get a lot of that from each other. I mean, we do, but not the really intense, emotional validation I'm looking for. So now to tie it back to what I was talking about before. That's why I think I need teaching and my students. They are the ones who give me that intense validation I so desperately crave. Though there are definitely adults I would like to get more of it from, the students simultaneously empty me and fill me back up.
I've talked about this before I previous blogs I've written, though its been a few years. I really miss the emotional connections younger friendships created. Those friendships I had from about the age of 15 to 24 were the best friendships of my life. Those friendships are not gone; I am still very good friends with the most important people of that time in my life. But the friendships have changed. Of course they have changed. We grew up, got careers, started families of our own, moved away from one another. There is no way we could have maintained the intensity of those relationships. But god I miss it.
I think for a lot of people they feel your spouse should fill that void. Your spouse becomes the person you have that intense, deep, emotional relationship with. And yes, your spouse should be your friend and in a good major he/she is. But it is still not the same; it's just not.
I miss porch philosophy with Seth. I miss midnight hiking with Ben. I miss driving around all night with Melinda getting really, you know, DEEP. I miss getting drunk and all sentimental and hugging and telling each other how much we love each other and how special our friendships are. I don't know that we CAN'T do that anymore, but it is more difficult and we don't. Of course, none of them live near me so yeah, that's a problem. When I do see them the time is somewhat limited, often our kids are there, and I do think there is some societal block we all feel that you aren't SUPPOSED to do those things anymore.
I do have a few close friends here in Portland. I mean, it's not the same because they didn't grow up with me and go through all my shit with me like Seth, Ben, and Melinda. But they have still become really good friends. Again though, it is just not the same. We go out drinking sometimes but generally temper ourselves and don't get too crazy. We certainly don't have deep, philosophical discussions at 2 in the morning in the park. Why? Well one, I have a family and can't be staying out until 2 very often. But I COULD do it every once in a while. Maybe my friends aren't quite as philosophical as me or in their adult wisdom feel like they've already hashed all that out and there isn't much to talk about anymore. I don't know. Maybe they think I don't want to or can't because I have a family. I'm just not sure. I definitely haven't made those kind of connections with them where the friendship is based on those deep, emotional, meaning of life discussions because I wasn't an adolescent or teen with them and, of course, that is when your brain is really wrapping its head around that stuff and that's what you really NEED your friends for.
But I feel like I still need it.
Again, I really may speak to the fact that I never really grew out of adolescence. I mean, I matured, became more responsible, etc. I had to. But a lot of those other things, emotions, questions that others grow out of, I didn't.
So, I'm really emotional, pensive, nostalgic right now. I have been for awhile. Maybe the last three weeks. I know it started with the impending transition. Transition is always hard for me. School year to summer. Summer to school year. I LIKE change. I need it. But it is still hard. It's like even though these things end and begin yearly, I still have to mourn the loss EVERY TIME. I have to mourn the loss of another group of students that I grew to love moving on. Our I have to mourn the loss of summer and sleeping in and reading and outside, outside, outside.
Speaking of outside, once I realized I was going to be selfish today and take it all to myself I decided that after I right this blog in the coffee shop I am going to head up to Washington Park and take a solitary hike. One of my two favorite things to do in the world. I totally wore the wrong shoes because it wasn't even on my radar that I could do that if I wanted but, oh well. I once hiked up a steep, snowy trail in Danskos. So yeah, I can go to my sanctuary (outdoors) and muse in my mind and cry without anyone seeing me (hopefully) and, you know, immerse myself in the emotion which I have to admit, I like to do even if it makes me feel kind of sad or confused.
I digress. Transition. I started getting emotional because I knew transition was coming. And honestly, I ran out of my meds and didn't take them for two days AND had PMS. All those things were the impetus. But I did transition back into school smoothly, and I have my meds and the PMS is gone, but the emotional state persists and that's ok. I think I need to go through one of these a few times a year just to get it all out. It's cathartic.
I think that's all for now. There are still jumbles, lots of jumbles in my head and some of they may not even be possible to articulate. But this helped. I got some of it out.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Summer, and probably posts, winding down
My brain is completely jumbled right now. It has been for the last week or so, ever since we returned from SLC. What I should be doing is writing a "to do" list but my thoughts are so scrambled that I don't even know what to write down.
To be fair, I did just get a lot of administrivia done. I paid PSU for my 3 credit class and sent an email to my HR department inquiring how to get reimbursed and how to submit my credits so I can move up the pay scale. I filled out Mimi's school registration packet and sent it and I budgeted for the rest of summer. Now my brain is kind of burnt out and I've hit a wall.
The last week was really tough. I've felt agitated more than sad, but I think underlying that agitation is a sadness that summer is almost over.
The truth of the matter is, I'm sick of my kids. Well, that is not exactly true; I'm just sick of being with them SO MUCH, of being a stay at home mom, definitely not something I was meant to do year round. So, in some ways, it is good that it is almost time to go back to work. I mean, it IS time. Yet, that still means another summer gone by, the passage of time. It means that in a few months I won't feel the sun on my skin so often, my tan will fade, biking/hiking/camping will decrease, free time will decrease, and the stress of work will resume. So I'm sure subconsciously I am feeling some anxiety about all of that and I also think that I start to panic at this time of summer because I'm worried I didn't get enough out of summer. Did we camp/hike as much as we could have? Was I outside enough? Did I relax enough? I know it sounds weird but, seriously, I start to worry that I *wasted* my summer or didn't do as much as I should have (despite being uber busy and probably only needing more chill/relaxation time).
So, back to last week; there was a combo of pms, a missed day of meds, home from vacation and trying to get back into routine, sick of my kids, and subconscious sadness about the end of summer. The only time last week I think I was in a good mood was when the kids and I were hiking through Powell Butte. I guess I also had a pretty good time at Ski Bowl. However, I don't think I was that much fun to be with; sorry kids.
Yesterday the kids and I went on a long bike ride and that felt REALLY good. I was pretty happy yesterday because of that and I'm taking today to just get my shit together and chill so I can enjoy the rest of the week. But I'm still discombobulated from the last week, trying to organize my thoughts.
I totally blew health last week because of the previously mentioned bad mood. I'm not stressing too much about it though. I haven't weighed myself since I was in Utah, about two weeks ago. At that point I was maintaining my lowest weight, so that's good. I don't think I've made any progress since then but I think I can at least maintain where I am until I am ready to push on again.
I read a fantastic book last week. "What They Always Tell Us" just advertises itself as a YA fiction book, focused on brothers. However, it is also a book about a 16 year old boy discovering he is gay and realizing that his depression has come from not acknowledging or understanding that "missing piece" of himself. The book was so touching and realistic and dealt with multiple characters and their emotions and the realities of life not being perfect but still having hope. "...life will always be that way---fleeting happiness surrounded by the ever-present reality of life, with all of its problems and difficulties and shitty occurrences."
So yeah, there is this permeating sadness and emotional presence surrounding me, but I guess that is ok. Mainly I just want to be on my bike or hiking, as usual, but that isn't always easy with kids. Mimi doesn't just want to sit in the trailer day after day and the kids like hiking, but again, not every day. Seriously, those two things are the only two things that really fill my battery. Luckily, later this week my friend is going to watch Mimi and I am going to go on a long bike ride. Graham is in a camp this week which is kind of a good thing.
So, I don't really know what else to say. There is still fun to be had this summer such as Graham and I rafting the Clackamas on Saturday. There are still camping trips to fit in and the beginning of school doesn't mean the end of hiking, biking, and playing; the weather stays good until November. In fact I really love the way the natural world looks during fall. So, hopefully now that I have purged, my brain is untangled enough to write that "to do" list.
To be fair, I did just get a lot of administrivia done. I paid PSU for my 3 credit class and sent an email to my HR department inquiring how to get reimbursed and how to submit my credits so I can move up the pay scale. I filled out Mimi's school registration packet and sent it and I budgeted for the rest of summer. Now my brain is kind of burnt out and I've hit a wall.
The last week was really tough. I've felt agitated more than sad, but I think underlying that agitation is a sadness that summer is almost over.
The truth of the matter is, I'm sick of my kids. Well, that is not exactly true; I'm just sick of being with them SO MUCH, of being a stay at home mom, definitely not something I was meant to do year round. So, in some ways, it is good that it is almost time to go back to work. I mean, it IS time. Yet, that still means another summer gone by, the passage of time. It means that in a few months I won't feel the sun on my skin so often, my tan will fade, biking/hiking/camping will decrease, free time will decrease, and the stress of work will resume. So I'm sure subconsciously I am feeling some anxiety about all of that and I also think that I start to panic at this time of summer because I'm worried I didn't get enough out of summer. Did we camp/hike as much as we could have? Was I outside enough? Did I relax enough? I know it sounds weird but, seriously, I start to worry that I *wasted* my summer or didn't do as much as I should have (despite being uber busy and probably only needing more chill/relaxation time).
So, back to last week; there was a combo of pms, a missed day of meds, home from vacation and trying to get back into routine, sick of my kids, and subconscious sadness about the end of summer. The only time last week I think I was in a good mood was when the kids and I were hiking through Powell Butte. I guess I also had a pretty good time at Ski Bowl. However, I don't think I was that much fun to be with; sorry kids.
Yesterday the kids and I went on a long bike ride and that felt REALLY good. I was pretty happy yesterday because of that and I'm taking today to just get my shit together and chill so I can enjoy the rest of the week. But I'm still discombobulated from the last week, trying to organize my thoughts.
I totally blew health last week because of the previously mentioned bad mood. I'm not stressing too much about it though. I haven't weighed myself since I was in Utah, about two weeks ago. At that point I was maintaining my lowest weight, so that's good. I don't think I've made any progress since then but I think I can at least maintain where I am until I am ready to push on again.
I read a fantastic book last week. "What They Always Tell Us" just advertises itself as a YA fiction book, focused on brothers. However, it is also a book about a 16 year old boy discovering he is gay and realizing that his depression has come from not acknowledging or understanding that "missing piece" of himself. The book was so touching and realistic and dealt with multiple characters and their emotions and the realities of life not being perfect but still having hope. "...life will always be that way---fleeting happiness surrounded by the ever-present reality of life, with all of its problems and difficulties and shitty occurrences."
So yeah, there is this permeating sadness and emotional presence surrounding me, but I guess that is ok. Mainly I just want to be on my bike or hiking, as usual, but that isn't always easy with kids. Mimi doesn't just want to sit in the trailer day after day and the kids like hiking, but again, not every day. Seriously, those two things are the only two things that really fill my battery. Luckily, later this week my friend is going to watch Mimi and I am going to go on a long bike ride. Graham is in a camp this week which is kind of a good thing.
So, I don't really know what else to say. There is still fun to be had this summer such as Graham and I rafting the Clackamas on Saturday. There are still camping trips to fit in and the beginning of school doesn't mean the end of hiking, biking, and playing; the weather stays good until November. In fact I really love the way the natural world looks during fall. So, hopefully now that I have purged, my brain is untangled enough to write that "to do" list.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Who knows what number "daily" blog post...
Wow! Vacations can be very chaotic, as was the case during our Utah vacation. The truth is not all vacations are relaxing, but there is always fun to be had.
There were many golden nuggets during the vacation and I am certainly not saying it wasn't a good trip; it was. However, vacations that involve people outside our little family are always less relaxing though often exciting. I have noticed I shy away from vacationing with others. I think I'm really getting old and prefer a more calm and peaceful existence focused only on my own, immediate little family whom I love dearly.
Of course, there is always some chaos going on in our little family; we have a 4 year old. However, we know how to function as a unit. There is *usually* a flow to the way we handle the peaks and ebbs of our family time and it works and is generally very enjoyable.
I think about our coast trips and they are always so wonderful. They are truly relaxing with nothing we are doing being rushed, even though we do like to get out and participate in activities. Being able to wake up whenever we want (which for the kids and I is usually by 8) and just take our time in the morning drinking coffee, making breakfast, and staying in our jammies for awhile is one of my very favorite things in the world. As a result, coast and camping trips are really my favorite vacations. Cheap, close to home, and just with the family.
So, back to Utah. The chaos really has to do with having so many people to see and trying to juggle our time and still get to do the things we want to do while keeping in mind what others can and want to do. I think the thing I hated most about our Utah trip was the all the driving from place to place. When we camp and go to the coast there is little to no driving.
I will say that our drive from Portland to Utah went very well. There was only one little meltdown, late at night on Friday because Mimi was tired but had trouble falling asleep. We pulled over, let her try to pee, gave her a few cuddles, and when we got on the road again she fell promptly asleep. I still don't love road trips with the kids, but it went pretty smoothly.
After staying in Boise for the night we headed up to Salem, Utah where Kyle's parents live. It is truly beautiful up there. I will say that it doesn't exactly please me that people are developing so far up the mountain building ridiculously big houses with basketball courts and slides in their houses. Kyle's parents, of course, don't live so far up and do not have one of those ridiculous houses, but touring farther up the mountain did disappoint me a bit.
At his parent's house we spent a lot of time with Kyle's siblings' families and that was a joy. I absolutely love Kyle's brother and his wife. I think they are a lot like us and they are such wonderful parents. I know this because they have fantastic kids! I don't know his sister and her husband quite as well, but it was fun to spend a little more time with them and they also have adorable kids including Piper who is just a bit older than Mimi. Suffice it to say that all the cousins had a blast hanging out together. When the cousins were over we pretty much set the kids loose and visited with each other to the background noise of running, jumping, and giggling.
I also really talked to Kyle's grandpa for the first time. I mean, we've met and chatted a little, but never really talked. I have to tell you, he was a hoot! Hilarious, charming, and so loving in his words towards his wife. I really enjoyed our little conversation.
After our time in Salem we headed down to my parents in Salt Lake. They just moved into a condo that is much, much smaller than anything they have lived in for awhile. I love that they are downsizing and trying to simplify their lives. I really hope it will alleviate some of the stress in their lives.
The building they live in is in downtown Salt Lake and it was so cool that we WALKED places from their house rather than driving. It is hard to believe that my parents are doing the urban thing but I think it is SO awesome.
I've really gained an appreciation for my mom and all she does in her life. She takes care of many people and though she can get testy about it I see her really having a good attitude despite the burden. She was amazing during the trip, taking care of the kids, giving us rides whenever we needed after Kyle left (he drove home a few days early and the kids and I flew home).
My sister is also amazing. She threw a big surprise birthday party for Graham and my dad. (Graham's birthday is on the 12th and my dad's is on the 25th.) She really put a lot into it and had prizes and games and a zombie themed spread. She also purchased a lot of presents for all the kids. I'm not quite sure how to show her the appreciation she deserves for that, but I know Graham is working on a heartfelt thank you note.
We also took the kids to the famous Lagoon. Lagoon is Utah's premiere amusement park and it really is a good amusement park with multiple roller coasters, a great kid's section and a pioneer village. Going to Lagoon also gave the family a chance to hang out with our favorite uncle, Nigel. Nigel isn't really my kid's uncle; he is a super close family friend who has basically become family.
The Lagoon day did end on a bad note with the day going on a little long and some meltdowns and car trouble, but the first half of the day was great.
That evening Graham and I got to hang out with my favorite cousin on my mom's side, Adam, and his wife, Cindy. It has been so long since Adam and I really hung out and I think we could have talked all night. When we were kids we were super tight, and then again in our late teens, early twentys. It was a real treat and I hope they visit us in Portland soon.
Last but not least, I finally got to spend some real quality time with my dear, dear friend Seth. Honestly, the last time we were able to really talk, without being interrupted, one on one was probably 12 or 13 years ago. Sitting there talking with him I finally felt that connection again and it was easy to remember why we were so close and got along so well together. Though in many ways our personalities are very different, we also have some deep similarities and I think the combination is what works so well.
It was a double treat because my family got to hang out with his family TWICE... AND I got some one-on-one time. His family is lovely. His wife is SO gorgeous and kind and such a good mom. His kids are sweet and adorable and got along well with Mimi. (They are young so Graham hung out with the adults more, particularly Shannon, Seth's wife. They seemed to bond.)
In terms of family, meaning my mom and dad, I think the vacation went about 2 or 3 days too long. Friday morning everyone was still happy and getting along really well, but by Friday night I think the energy draining effect of two kids were taking a toll on my parents. Conversely, I think the lack of energy and patience from my parents in those last few days were taking a toll on my kids, and the combo was taking a toll on me. But alas, that is how it is with extended family. Wonderful in small doses.
I have a million other things to say, but I think I'm going to stop there for now. Farewell until I have time to write again.
There were many golden nuggets during the vacation and I am certainly not saying it wasn't a good trip; it was. However, vacations that involve people outside our little family are always less relaxing though often exciting. I have noticed I shy away from vacationing with others. I think I'm really getting old and prefer a more calm and peaceful existence focused only on my own, immediate little family whom I love dearly.
Of course, there is always some chaos going on in our little family; we have a 4 year old. However, we know how to function as a unit. There is *usually* a flow to the way we handle the peaks and ebbs of our family time and it works and is generally very enjoyable.
I think about our coast trips and they are always so wonderful. They are truly relaxing with nothing we are doing being rushed, even though we do like to get out and participate in activities. Being able to wake up whenever we want (which for the kids and I is usually by 8) and just take our time in the morning drinking coffee, making breakfast, and staying in our jammies for awhile is one of my very favorite things in the world. As a result, coast and camping trips are really my favorite vacations. Cheap, close to home, and just with the family.
So, back to Utah. The chaos really has to do with having so many people to see and trying to juggle our time and still get to do the things we want to do while keeping in mind what others can and want to do. I think the thing I hated most about our Utah trip was the all the driving from place to place. When we camp and go to the coast there is little to no driving.
I will say that our drive from Portland to Utah went very well. There was only one little meltdown, late at night on Friday because Mimi was tired but had trouble falling asleep. We pulled over, let her try to pee, gave her a few cuddles, and when we got on the road again she fell promptly asleep. I still don't love road trips with the kids, but it went pretty smoothly.
After staying in Boise for the night we headed up to Salem, Utah where Kyle's parents live. It is truly beautiful up there. I will say that it doesn't exactly please me that people are developing so far up the mountain building ridiculously big houses with basketball courts and slides in their houses. Kyle's parents, of course, don't live so far up and do not have one of those ridiculous houses, but touring farther up the mountain did disappoint me a bit.
At his parent's house we spent a lot of time with Kyle's siblings' families and that was a joy. I absolutely love Kyle's brother and his wife. I think they are a lot like us and they are such wonderful parents. I know this because they have fantastic kids! I don't know his sister and her husband quite as well, but it was fun to spend a little more time with them and they also have adorable kids including Piper who is just a bit older than Mimi. Suffice it to say that all the cousins had a blast hanging out together. When the cousins were over we pretty much set the kids loose and visited with each other to the background noise of running, jumping, and giggling.
I also really talked to Kyle's grandpa for the first time. I mean, we've met and chatted a little, but never really talked. I have to tell you, he was a hoot! Hilarious, charming, and so loving in his words towards his wife. I really enjoyed our little conversation.
After our time in Salem we headed down to my parents in Salt Lake. They just moved into a condo that is much, much smaller than anything they have lived in for awhile. I love that they are downsizing and trying to simplify their lives. I really hope it will alleviate some of the stress in their lives.
The building they live in is in downtown Salt Lake and it was so cool that we WALKED places from their house rather than driving. It is hard to believe that my parents are doing the urban thing but I think it is SO awesome.
I've really gained an appreciation for my mom and all she does in her life. She takes care of many people and though she can get testy about it I see her really having a good attitude despite the burden. She was amazing during the trip, taking care of the kids, giving us rides whenever we needed after Kyle left (he drove home a few days early and the kids and I flew home).
My sister is also amazing. She threw a big surprise birthday party for Graham and my dad. (Graham's birthday is on the 12th and my dad's is on the 25th.) She really put a lot into it and had prizes and games and a zombie themed spread. She also purchased a lot of presents for all the kids. I'm not quite sure how to show her the appreciation she deserves for that, but I know Graham is working on a heartfelt thank you note.
We also took the kids to the famous Lagoon. Lagoon is Utah's premiere amusement park and it really is a good amusement park with multiple roller coasters, a great kid's section and a pioneer village. Going to Lagoon also gave the family a chance to hang out with our favorite uncle, Nigel. Nigel isn't really my kid's uncle; he is a super close family friend who has basically become family.
The Lagoon day did end on a bad note with the day going on a little long and some meltdowns and car trouble, but the first half of the day was great.
That evening Graham and I got to hang out with my favorite cousin on my mom's side, Adam, and his wife, Cindy. It has been so long since Adam and I really hung out and I think we could have talked all night. When we were kids we were super tight, and then again in our late teens, early twentys. It was a real treat and I hope they visit us in Portland soon.
Last but not least, I finally got to spend some real quality time with my dear, dear friend Seth. Honestly, the last time we were able to really talk, without being interrupted, one on one was probably 12 or 13 years ago. Sitting there talking with him I finally felt that connection again and it was easy to remember why we were so close and got along so well together. Though in many ways our personalities are very different, we also have some deep similarities and I think the combination is what works so well.
It was a double treat because my family got to hang out with his family TWICE... AND I got some one-on-one time. His family is lovely. His wife is SO gorgeous and kind and such a good mom. His kids are sweet and adorable and got along well with Mimi. (They are young so Graham hung out with the adults more, particularly Shannon, Seth's wife. They seemed to bond.)
In terms of family, meaning my mom and dad, I think the vacation went about 2 or 3 days too long. Friday morning everyone was still happy and getting along really well, but by Friday night I think the energy draining effect of two kids were taking a toll on my parents. Conversely, I think the lack of energy and patience from my parents in those last few days were taking a toll on my kids, and the combo was taking a toll on me. But alas, that is how it is with extended family. Wonderful in small doses.
I have a million other things to say, but I think I'm going to stop there for now. Farewell until I have time to write again.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Summer Post #10
I'm sitting here procrastinating working out. It was weigh-in day and I lost two more pounds, which is awesome. I am two pounds away from breaking into another decade (if you know what I mean) and it is a decade that I haven't been in for a long, long time. Two things happen when I am successful with weight loss like this:
1. I feel good and confident to the point that I feel like it is "ok" to slack a little. You know, have an ice cream, skip a day of working out.
2. I feel even more determined to stay on it and stay focused because I am so close to a goal.
Yes, both these things happen simultaneously. I will be swayed either way depending on external factors. So, the fact that I didn't have time to work out this morning because Mimi had a doctor's appointment at 8:45 is not a good thing because as the day goes on I am less motivated to work out plus, you know, two more pounds...feeling a little too cocky here.
Also, after the doctor's appointment we spent the afternoon in the sun at the Jamison Square fountain so I'm all tired and burnt out from the sun. Oh yeah, I had a little ice cream while we were there too. So I really, really, really should go work out! I don't want to get all complacent because I am doing well and fuck it all up. Not to mention the fact that I am going on vacation on Friday and as much as I tell myself that I will be really mindful of eating on the trip and not go overboard, I ALWAYS end up being a glutton on vacations. So, I REALLY MUST GO WORK OUT NOW, right?
Ok, I've convinced myself. I'm going to finish this short post and then go work out.
I haven't started a new book though I have checked out two from the library and bought two new ones. I don't know why I l keep getting more and more books even though I already have a stack I haven't read yet. I figure I better start with the library books since I have them for a limited time. One is called "you against me" and the other is called "light beneath ferns". Weird. Both books titles are not capitalized on the front cover. Strange coincidence.
Now to log recent activities. Graham returned from his camping trip happy and sun burnt. He also has a small mark on his chest where his friend accidentally shot him with an air gun. Apparently Graham's friend's mom thought I would hate her and never let Graham hang out with them again. I am SO not that kind of mom. Shit happens, especially with kids. I can't stand moms that won't let their kids climb trees because they might fall out and get hurt. What kind of fucking world is it when kids can't climb trees anymore. So at some point I want to call the mom to thank her for giving Graham a wonderful camping trip and to assure her that I am not upset and will gladly let Graham stay with them again.
Having said all that, Graham was happy for two reasons. He was happy because he had a lot of fun camping, especially swimming in the lake. However, he was also happy to be home.
Since he had been camping and hiking and away from electronics for four days, I took the kiddos to Despicable Me 2 that afternoon (Saturday) and we had a jolly time. I don't think it was as good as the first one, but still very enjoyable. The little girl, Agnes, totally reminds me of Mimi.
On Sunday we walked over to the Woodstock Farmer's Market and bought some raspberries. Then we went to the library but, of course, Graham forgot his Summer Reading Card again, which has been done for months and he hasn't retrieved ANY of his prizes for it. I'm hoping they will let him take all three or four at once at not think he is just some kid that filled them all in for the prizes. The first week of summer that kid read A LOT!
That afternoon we headed over to the Portland Aquarium. My mother-in-law got us a year membership for Christmas and we had only been once before. It isn't all that great, but it is free for us and I figure we need to get our money's worth on the annual membership. Actually though, we really did have a lot of fun and both kids could have stayed in the shark room for hours and hours petting the stingrays and sharks. I especially enjoyed the shark talk given by one of the employees. Most of the kids and adults weren't really listening, still just trying to pet the animals. Then there's me. I am such a nerd and such a lover of learning at heart. I was intently listening to everything he said and I think he almost got annoyed with all the questions I asked. Although he did get really excited when he had just explained how the Black Fin Sharks can never stop swimming or they can't breath and they will drown and I asked if they slept. He enthusiastically explained how one half of their brain turns off so they can sleep and rest that part of the brain while the other half stays awake enough so they can swim. Then the brain halves switch so the other half can get a break. Isn't that completely fucking awesome! Yeah, I'm a BIG nerd.
Yesterday we just got a lot of stuff done, both everyday stuff and stuff in preparation for our trip to SLC later this week. I worked in the yard for about 1.5 hours and now I have multiple splinters in my hands and feet and one really nice blister on my thumb. I think the yard looks better though and hopefully it will make a good impression on potential buyers of our neighbors house. Not that I want our neighbors to leave. They really are the best neighbors ever, but I want the best for them and they are ready for more room so I'm willing to help however I can. Plus I want them to attract buyers that I like. I told them when they get an offer they need approval from me on the people that want to buy. I was kidding, of course. (Kind of)
And that brings me back to today. We took Mimi to her 4 year old appointment. She is completely healthy and normal. Then we went to Powell's where I once again spent money I shouldn't on books for all three of us. Afterwards we went to Whole Foods and grabbed some lunch which we ate at the park before playing on the playground for awhile. Finally, we splashed around the fountain at Jamison Square for about two hours, ending the festivities with a little ice cream.
Mimi is now asleep and Graham rode his bike over to a friend's house. And me? I'm going to go put on my tennis shoes and get on the Lifecycle and ride for 40 minutes. Thanks for helping to convince me to do the right thing.
1. I feel good and confident to the point that I feel like it is "ok" to slack a little. You know, have an ice cream, skip a day of working out.
2. I feel even more determined to stay on it and stay focused because I am so close to a goal.
Yes, both these things happen simultaneously. I will be swayed either way depending on external factors. So, the fact that I didn't have time to work out this morning because Mimi had a doctor's appointment at 8:45 is not a good thing because as the day goes on I am less motivated to work out plus, you know, two more pounds...feeling a little too cocky here.
Also, after the doctor's appointment we spent the afternoon in the sun at the Jamison Square fountain so I'm all tired and burnt out from the sun. Oh yeah, I had a little ice cream while we were there too. So I really, really, really should go work out! I don't want to get all complacent because I am doing well and fuck it all up. Not to mention the fact that I am going on vacation on Friday and as much as I tell myself that I will be really mindful of eating on the trip and not go overboard, I ALWAYS end up being a glutton on vacations. So, I REALLY MUST GO WORK OUT NOW, right?
Ok, I've convinced myself. I'm going to finish this short post and then go work out.
I haven't started a new book though I have checked out two from the library and bought two new ones. I don't know why I l keep getting more and more books even though I already have a stack I haven't read yet. I figure I better start with the library books since I have them for a limited time. One is called "you against me" and the other is called "light beneath ferns". Weird. Both books titles are not capitalized on the front cover. Strange coincidence.
Now to log recent activities. Graham returned from his camping trip happy and sun burnt. He also has a small mark on his chest where his friend accidentally shot him with an air gun. Apparently Graham's friend's mom thought I would hate her and never let Graham hang out with them again. I am SO not that kind of mom. Shit happens, especially with kids. I can't stand moms that won't let their kids climb trees because they might fall out and get hurt. What kind of fucking world is it when kids can't climb trees anymore. So at some point I want to call the mom to thank her for giving Graham a wonderful camping trip and to assure her that I am not upset and will gladly let Graham stay with them again.
Having said all that, Graham was happy for two reasons. He was happy because he had a lot of fun camping, especially swimming in the lake. However, he was also happy to be home.
Since he had been camping and hiking and away from electronics for four days, I took the kiddos to Despicable Me 2 that afternoon (Saturday) and we had a jolly time. I don't think it was as good as the first one, but still very enjoyable. The little girl, Agnes, totally reminds me of Mimi.
On Sunday we walked over to the Woodstock Farmer's Market and bought some raspberries. Then we went to the library but, of course, Graham forgot his Summer Reading Card again, which has been done for months and he hasn't retrieved ANY of his prizes for it. I'm hoping they will let him take all three or four at once at not think he is just some kid that filled them all in for the prizes. The first week of summer that kid read A LOT!
That afternoon we headed over to the Portland Aquarium. My mother-in-law got us a year membership for Christmas and we had only been once before. It isn't all that great, but it is free for us and I figure we need to get our money's worth on the annual membership. Actually though, we really did have a lot of fun and both kids could have stayed in the shark room for hours and hours petting the stingrays and sharks. I especially enjoyed the shark talk given by one of the employees. Most of the kids and adults weren't really listening, still just trying to pet the animals. Then there's me. I am such a nerd and such a lover of learning at heart. I was intently listening to everything he said and I think he almost got annoyed with all the questions I asked. Although he did get really excited when he had just explained how the Black Fin Sharks can never stop swimming or they can't breath and they will drown and I asked if they slept. He enthusiastically explained how one half of their brain turns off so they can sleep and rest that part of the brain while the other half stays awake enough so they can swim. Then the brain halves switch so the other half can get a break. Isn't that completely fucking awesome! Yeah, I'm a BIG nerd.
Yesterday we just got a lot of stuff done, both everyday stuff and stuff in preparation for our trip to SLC later this week. I worked in the yard for about 1.5 hours and now I have multiple splinters in my hands and feet and one really nice blister on my thumb. I think the yard looks better though and hopefully it will make a good impression on potential buyers of our neighbors house. Not that I want our neighbors to leave. They really are the best neighbors ever, but I want the best for them and they are ready for more room so I'm willing to help however I can. Plus I want them to attract buyers that I like. I told them when they get an offer they need approval from me on the people that want to buy. I was kidding, of course. (Kind of)
And that brings me back to today. We took Mimi to her 4 year old appointment. She is completely healthy and normal. Then we went to Powell's where I once again spent money I shouldn't on books for all three of us. Afterwards we went to Whole Foods and grabbed some lunch which we ate at the park before playing on the playground for awhile. Finally, we splashed around the fountain at Jamison Square for about two hours, ending the festivities with a little ice cream.
Mimi is now asleep and Graham rode his bike over to a friend's house. And me? I'm going to go put on my tennis shoes and get on the Lifecycle and ride for 40 minutes. Thanks for helping to convince me to do the right thing.
Friday, July 19, 2013
I Think This Is #9 ?
Today was a great day! It was a great day because it wasn't forced fun; there were no expectations. See, I was thinking about that the other day, forced fun. The first time I heard this term used was by my senior year A.P. Biology teacher. I think we asked her what she was going to do for New Year's Eve and she said that she didn't do anything for New Year's Eve because it is forced fun and forced fun is never that fun.
I think I realized right away that she was correct and I as the years have gone on I've come to fully agree with her on the issue of forced fun. Frankly, I can only remember one really, really good New Year's Eve and it was good because my boyfriend was out of town so I just kind of decided at the last minute what to do and didn't have any expectations.
Now that I'm a mom I don't really do anything special for New Year's Eve so it isn't bad, but nothing great either. But back when I used to actually do things on New Year's Eve, they almost always turned out bad or were a disappointment. This holds true for days like St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo as well. Days made for the soul purpose of having a reason to go out and drink and "party", but with these extra expectations of having an especially good time. You don't really need a reason to go out; if you want to go out go out and you will most likely have a better time because you really wanted to go out rather than going out because it is a designated day that you are "supposed" to go out.
So again, the problem is when we have specific expectations for the fun activity in which we are planning to participate. No one can predict the future and there are all kinds of factors that may change the outcome of a day or night. An activity may not go the way you would have expected it to if you had expectations, but can still be a lot of fun. The problem is, if you think about the expectations ahead of time, no matter how fun the experience is, you will still be disappointed because it didn't go the way you planned. If you didn't have the expectations in the first place then any fun can be truly enjoyed.
Other than designated days for forced fun, I also think we create expectations for activities when we are trying to re-create something. Maybe you had an amazing camping trip so you decide to go back to the same place next year and you want it to be the same as the year before, but it can't. It is not the year before. It is a new year and you are a year older and the people you are with are a year older and maybe there are different people camping near you or the weather is different and it just can't be exactly the same, but you want it to be so badly that you just can't enjoy the trip, no matter if the trip really is very fun.
I think I have been guilty of doing this for summer in general. I have had some really amazing summers and though I always look forward to summer, NEED summer by the time it comes, and enjoy summer, some are better than others.
The summer Mimi was born was one of the best summers of my life. Graham and the Baby Beorn were my best friends. I strapped Mimi onto my chest, and Graham and I were out hiking almost every day. "Hiking" might be hiking 4 miles in the Gorge or walking through the Rhododendron Gardens, but we were outside, amongst plants, walking most days. It was a phenomenal summer and none of it was planned. I mean, I had a newborn; I had no plans other than changing diapers, breast feeding, and being a mom. But Mimi turned out the be an easy baby that loved being out and about as long as she was cuddled up next to my chest and both Graham and I are restless; we don't really like just hanging around the house. So everyday it was just like, "Hey, let's go get breakfast and the Multnomah Falls Lodge and go for a hike," or "Wanna walk down to the Rhododendron Gardens?" It was organic with no expectations bringing true happiness to us.
I think I tend to plan too much for summer activities. I want to be biking and hiking and swimming and outdoor playing all summer, and there is nothing wrong with that. But I try to plan the activities ahead of time: "Tuesday we will finish swimming class, pack lunches, and head down to Jamison Square. Wednesday we will ride our bikes down to Johnson Creek and look for crawdads." I do this with no sense of how we will feel that day. Did we get enough sleep? What is the weather like? I'm trying to recreate past summers that cannot be re-created and were only great because they happened organically.
So, yesterday I just happened to be looking on the internet; I think I was looking for when the Sellwood Pool has open swim time. I happened across a mention of the Leach Botanical Gardens and went to their website. It looked really cool and I knew at some point this summer I wanted to check it out.
Mimi and I had planned to either go to Jamison Square or the river today. I had planned to get up at 7:15 like I do every morning and work out. When I woke up, however, with Mimi in bed with me (because she always comes into my room early in the morning) we just cuddled and giggled and stayed in bed for awhile. I REALLY didn't feel like doing the same old workout and then rushing to get ready for swimming. I really just wanted to have a chill morning and drink coffee and actually make some eggs for breakfast. So, I did.
I was able to get some little things done and enjoy my coffee and take time getting Mimi ready for swimming. However, there was still the issue of making sure to get some exercise before the day was complete. So, out of the blue I asked Mimi if she wanted to ride in the bike trailer, later today after swimming, and go out to the sheep farm (a little before 172nd on the Springwater Corrider Trail) and then ride over to the Botanical Gardens and check it out. (The Gardens are a little less than a mile south of Foster on 122nd...easy to get to from the trail.) She was game.
So, that's what we did and it was wonderful and I got some good exercise dragging her and her trailer on my bike and it was just lovely. I never knew about the Botanical Gardens and it is a really awesome place; I recommend it highly. It's free too, so that is a plus. Mimi and I saw hobbit houses and pixies, heard fairies rustling in the bushes and possibly the galloping of a unicorn. Today was what summer is about.
Not that we didn't have a good time at the Sellwood Pool yesterday; we had a blast. But it wasn't spontaneous and magical like today was.
In other news, Graham called me today from Estacada. I had planned on him calling me yesterday, so I was feeling a little nervous that I hadn't heard from him. They didn't end up driving to town yesterday so he didn't have cell service. So today he called and he is safe and fine so that is a weight off my shoulders. He wasn't very verbose so it is hard to tell if he is having a good time, miserable, or somewhere in the middle, but at least I know he is alright and I get to see him tomorrow.
Finally, I finished the book "Uses for Boys" and it was alright. Like I said before, I think it was a superb choice for subject matter as I think there are lots of girls out there that could relate. I also think the author did an excellent job of describing and capturing sex and making love, what it is like when it is a one night stand, what it is like when you are young and head over heels in love. But I still think the book lacked some depth, especially in terms of character development. Rather than making a stylistic choice to leave a lot for the reader to infer, it felt like the author said so little because she didn't know how to articulate what needed to be said. So yeah, interesting read but nothing stellar.
I'm thinking I might not start a new book for awhile because next week is pretty busy, getting ready to go to Salt Lake and then I will be in Salt Lake for over a week and I know that will be very busy. I've been doing most of my reading during Mimi's daily swim classes and those are over for awhile so, we'll see.
I'm anxious for Tuesday's weigh in and will keep you updated whether the results are good or not. I promise to always be honest on this blog. Ok....toodaloo!
I think I realized right away that she was correct and I as the years have gone on I've come to fully agree with her on the issue of forced fun. Frankly, I can only remember one really, really good New Year's Eve and it was good because my boyfriend was out of town so I just kind of decided at the last minute what to do and didn't have any expectations.
Now that I'm a mom I don't really do anything special for New Year's Eve so it isn't bad, but nothing great either. But back when I used to actually do things on New Year's Eve, they almost always turned out bad or were a disappointment. This holds true for days like St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo as well. Days made for the soul purpose of having a reason to go out and drink and "party", but with these extra expectations of having an especially good time. You don't really need a reason to go out; if you want to go out go out and you will most likely have a better time because you really wanted to go out rather than going out because it is a designated day that you are "supposed" to go out.
So again, the problem is when we have specific expectations for the fun activity in which we are planning to participate. No one can predict the future and there are all kinds of factors that may change the outcome of a day or night. An activity may not go the way you would have expected it to if you had expectations, but can still be a lot of fun. The problem is, if you think about the expectations ahead of time, no matter how fun the experience is, you will still be disappointed because it didn't go the way you planned. If you didn't have the expectations in the first place then any fun can be truly enjoyed.
Other than designated days for forced fun, I also think we create expectations for activities when we are trying to re-create something. Maybe you had an amazing camping trip so you decide to go back to the same place next year and you want it to be the same as the year before, but it can't. It is not the year before. It is a new year and you are a year older and the people you are with are a year older and maybe there are different people camping near you or the weather is different and it just can't be exactly the same, but you want it to be so badly that you just can't enjoy the trip, no matter if the trip really is very fun.
I think I have been guilty of doing this for summer in general. I have had some really amazing summers and though I always look forward to summer, NEED summer by the time it comes, and enjoy summer, some are better than others.
The summer Mimi was born was one of the best summers of my life. Graham and the Baby Beorn were my best friends. I strapped Mimi onto my chest, and Graham and I were out hiking almost every day. "Hiking" might be hiking 4 miles in the Gorge or walking through the Rhododendron Gardens, but we were outside, amongst plants, walking most days. It was a phenomenal summer and none of it was planned. I mean, I had a newborn; I had no plans other than changing diapers, breast feeding, and being a mom. But Mimi turned out the be an easy baby that loved being out and about as long as she was cuddled up next to my chest and both Graham and I are restless; we don't really like just hanging around the house. So everyday it was just like, "Hey, let's go get breakfast and the Multnomah Falls Lodge and go for a hike," or "Wanna walk down to the Rhododendron Gardens?" It was organic with no expectations bringing true happiness to us.
I think I tend to plan too much for summer activities. I want to be biking and hiking and swimming and outdoor playing all summer, and there is nothing wrong with that. But I try to plan the activities ahead of time: "Tuesday we will finish swimming class, pack lunches, and head down to Jamison Square. Wednesday we will ride our bikes down to Johnson Creek and look for crawdads." I do this with no sense of how we will feel that day. Did we get enough sleep? What is the weather like? I'm trying to recreate past summers that cannot be re-created and were only great because they happened organically.
So, yesterday I just happened to be looking on the internet; I think I was looking for when the Sellwood Pool has open swim time. I happened across a mention of the Leach Botanical Gardens and went to their website. It looked really cool and I knew at some point this summer I wanted to check it out.
Mimi and I had planned to either go to Jamison Square or the river today. I had planned to get up at 7:15 like I do every morning and work out. When I woke up, however, with Mimi in bed with me (because she always comes into my room early in the morning) we just cuddled and giggled and stayed in bed for awhile. I REALLY didn't feel like doing the same old workout and then rushing to get ready for swimming. I really just wanted to have a chill morning and drink coffee and actually make some eggs for breakfast. So, I did.
I was able to get some little things done and enjoy my coffee and take time getting Mimi ready for swimming. However, there was still the issue of making sure to get some exercise before the day was complete. So, out of the blue I asked Mimi if she wanted to ride in the bike trailer, later today after swimming, and go out to the sheep farm (a little before 172nd on the Springwater Corrider Trail) and then ride over to the Botanical Gardens and check it out. (The Gardens are a little less than a mile south of Foster on 122nd...easy to get to from the trail.) She was game.
So, that's what we did and it was wonderful and I got some good exercise dragging her and her trailer on my bike and it was just lovely. I never knew about the Botanical Gardens and it is a really awesome place; I recommend it highly. It's free too, so that is a plus. Mimi and I saw hobbit houses and pixies, heard fairies rustling in the bushes and possibly the galloping of a unicorn. Today was what summer is about.
Not that we didn't have a good time at the Sellwood Pool yesterday; we had a blast. But it wasn't spontaneous and magical like today was.
In other news, Graham called me today from Estacada. I had planned on him calling me yesterday, so I was feeling a little nervous that I hadn't heard from him. They didn't end up driving to town yesterday so he didn't have cell service. So today he called and he is safe and fine so that is a weight off my shoulders. He wasn't very verbose so it is hard to tell if he is having a good time, miserable, or somewhere in the middle, but at least I know he is alright and I get to see him tomorrow.
Finally, I finished the book "Uses for Boys" and it was alright. Like I said before, I think it was a superb choice for subject matter as I think there are lots of girls out there that could relate. I also think the author did an excellent job of describing and capturing sex and making love, what it is like when it is a one night stand, what it is like when you are young and head over heels in love. But I still think the book lacked some depth, especially in terms of character development. Rather than making a stylistic choice to leave a lot for the reader to infer, it felt like the author said so little because she didn't know how to articulate what needed to be said. So yeah, interesting read but nothing stellar.
I'm thinking I might not start a new book for awhile because next week is pretty busy, getting ready to go to Salt Lake and then I will be in Salt Lake for over a week and I know that will be very busy. I've been doing most of my reading during Mimi's daily swim classes and those are over for awhile so, we'll see.
I'm anxious for Tuesday's weigh in and will keep you updated whether the results are good or not. I promise to always be honest on this blog. Ok....toodaloo!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
NOT Daily Post #8
Wow, it has been two weeks since I have written on my blog! I need to be more diligent about writing. Time to try to recap what has been going on with books, health, and good old summer fun.
It is going to take me a minute to think of all the books I have read so far this summer.
1. Freewill
2. You Don't Know Me But You Don't Like Me
3. 34 Pieces of You
4. Bad Girls Don't Die
5. I Will Save You
6. Dirty Little Secret
7. After
8. Uses for Boys
I was reading I Will Save You last time I wrote, and I really liked it. I can't really say much about it without giving away the plot, but it was well written, interesting, and most importantly, I cared about the characters.
Dirty Little Secrets was about a teenager whose mother is a hoarder. The book really goes into details about this mental illness and it peaked my interest enough that I researched the illness myself which was kind of a bad idea because it made me all paranoid that Graham exhibits hoarding behavior. Of course, much of what I read talked about understanding the difference between normal kid hoarding and the actual mental illness. I think those of us that have mental illnesses see mental illness in everyone else. We are always diagnosing others. Having said that, I think most terms for varying mental illnesses are just words to describe a set of behaviors. Everyone has abnormal behaviors which actually makes it normal. What I am saying is that in a way everyone displays some characteristics of mental illness; some just exhibit it in more extreme ways and/or have multiple characteristics so they (we) are diagnosed with an actual term to describe it. OK, enough on my tangent about mental illness. The book was alright, but the whole middle section was just pages and pages describing the disgusting, mess of a house. I get that the author wanted the reader to really get how bad it was, but at a certain point I got it and would have preferred the story just move along. The ending was satisfying though.
After was a pretty intense book, but I liked it. It was about a girl who had everything going for her. She was an excellent student and a star soccer player. Her dad was gone and her mom wasn't as responsible as she was. The, the girl breaks her own rule and has sex, just once, and gets pregnant. However, she doesn't really realize she is pregnant, or subconsciously she does but is in a sort of denial. When she actually has the baby, alone, in her mom's apartment, she puts the baby in the dumpster behind the apartments. She ends up getting caught and going to a juvenile detention center. The book focuses on her slow progress coming out of the denial. If I had tackled this story, I probably would have gone about it a little differently, but I still liked the book a lot.
I am currently reading Uses for Boys. It is about the classic scenario of the girl who has no father figure, and in the book's case a distant mother as well, and tries to find value and comfort in boys and sex. I can tell you as a middle school teacher that this kind of girl exists. This scenario happens too often. However I also don't love the way the author is tackling the subject. It is hard to explain what I mean. It is written in short, choppy chapters with a lot of snippets of the main character's thoughts with a lot to be inferred. But because those snippets of thoughts are the same ones repeated over and over I as a reader am not getting the depth of the character I could if it was written differently.
So, that's where I am on the book front. It will be cool to keep track of just how many books I read this summer and what they are. People always ask me what I've been reading and I always blank out and don't have an answer, but by writing this all down I think I will be able to answer that question much more accurately.
Health: I'm sure I gained some weight the week my friend was here because there was a lot of eating and drinking going on. However, there was some decent activity as well. As a result I chose not to weigh myself for awhile, even after "getting back on the (health) wagon". I know a lot of people that disagree with the idea of not weighing yourself when you know it will be bad, that you are trying to fool yourself and therefore won't be as successful in your weight loss. That may very well be true for certain people.
Like most people, I respond better to positive reinforcement than negative, but I think I respond worse to negative reinforcement than a lot of people. Seeing a significant weight gain on the scale can make me feel very dejected. I know I probably gained weight, so I really don't need to see the actual number and am motivated to get back to a good weight before I weigh myself so I can have a nice surprise.
After a week of the old eating right/exercise routine I weighed myself and I was pleased. I am back to the weight I was before I gained the three pounds. I'm feeling pretty good about that. I also realized something. Before I started really trying to lose weight again because of my knee I had a natural resting spot for my weight possibly fluctuated a few pounds here and there. Then I lost those ten pounds back in March. I fell off the wagon for awhile and assumed I had gained it all back, but never checked. Now, I am back on the wagon. I actually think I have maintained that ten pound loss. I wasn't actively losing any weight for awhile, but I think I've been healthy enough to adjust my resting weight, which does happen after you maintain a certain weight for awhile. Having an average weight of ten pounds less than it has been for years is pretty awesome and I think I deserve to feel good about that.
Completely switching gears, my good high school friend came to visit for almost a week. Kyle and the kids headed to the coast that Tuesday afternoon and I picked up my friend at the airport at 10:30 at night. We went back to my place and talked and talked and talked, until like 3:30 in the morning. I can't remember the last time I stayed up until 3:30. It was awesome.
We got up the next day and after a nice breakfast out headed to the coast to meet up with the family. It was really fun to watch my friend's reaction to the northwest coast which is very different from the coast she is used to in Florida. I think the northwest is amazingly beautiful and the coast and quaint little coastal towns are no exception. She obviously saw the same thing I did and it was just really awesome to get to share it with someone that has never seen it or been exposed to it.
We did some walking on the beach, some Apples to Apples at the beach house, a small town 4th of July parade, a BBQ, and watched a pretty amazing professional fireworks show on the beach. The last day we took a beautiful hike down to Indian beach and stopped at the Tillamook Cheese Factory on the way home.
The last day she was here was nearly a perfect day. She and I biked for a while up the beautiful Springwater trail and then get over to this place called Edgefield. It is hard to explain Edgefield to someone that has never been there or to any of the other McMenamin's "resorts". Edgefield is a huge plot of land with lodging, different restaurants and bars and a winery, and a golf course. It is covered in gardens, including vegetable gardens and has a huge field where they hold concerts. MecMenamin's also brews their own beer. It is a beautiful place and we spent the day there eating, drinking, and wandering around the gardens. Then, we rode our bikes home. Seriously, biking, drinking, and gardens...three of my very, very favorite things. Doesn't get much better.
After she left it was back to our busy routines. Swim, Dance, Camps...In a lot of ways we are just as busy this summer as we are during the school year. There is a lot of rushing around to get to camps or classes on time and there are many days I don't shower, which is kind of gross since I workout most days, often in the morning. But the truth is when I know I am just going to sweat going hiking or biking later or get dirty swimming in the river at the beach it seems stupid to shower first.
Mimi is still in swimming and hip-hop dance class. Graham was involved in a camp last week that was custom made for him. It was a film making class and over the course of the week they made a zombie movie. Graham ended up being on the acting side of the camera a lot which is no surprise since he is a talented actor. For those of you that don't know Graham was to direct movies, specifically dark movies, horror movies, and comedy/horror movies. So as a said, this camp was custom made for him. They are going to send us a copy of the movie and I can't wait to see it.
Graham also hit a major milestone in growing up this week, he left his family for multiple days. Graham has never been away from me for more than a night except when he went to Las Vegas with my parents to see The Lion King musical and that was only two nights.
On Saturday he went with his friend's family to Long Beach, WA to stay on the beach for two nights. He was very nervous and pre-homesick and asked to take a picture of me with him. While he was gone he called me many times a day. I'm going to tell you right now, I cried when I was driving away from dropping him off at their house.
He came back Monday, stayed with us Monday and last night, and I just dropped him off at their house again this morning for a THREE night camping trip where there will not be cell phone reception. Though it is nice to be a little less busy with only one child, it will be strange and I will miss him dearly. However, I do feel a little better this time despite it being a longer trip in the woods because now that he already did it once and had a good time I am a little more at ease and he was definitely less nervous this time now that he is used to being with them and away from me. Also, his mom said they will drive into town a few times so he can call me. Obviously I trust this family and am very fond of them or I wouldn't have let him go.
Mimi and I have been doing this like hiking at Oaks Bottom and going to the river beach and going to the park. Sometimes we just like to put on our bathing suits and get out the kiddie pool and hang in the backyard. By the way, I love my yard. Both of us are outdoors lovers so that is where we spend most of our time. However, I have accomplished some cleaning and laundry between activities which is nice because if I keep things clean then I have more time to enjoy summer.
So, that pretty much brings us up to date. I am going to try to write more often from now on and then the posts won't have to be so long.
Also, if you are reading these, I never proof-read so please don't judge me; I have more important things to do (hiking, biking, playing) than proof-read. : )
It is going to take me a minute to think of all the books I have read so far this summer.
1. Freewill
2. You Don't Know Me But You Don't Like Me
3. 34 Pieces of You
4. Bad Girls Don't Die
5. I Will Save You
6. Dirty Little Secret
7. After
8. Uses for Boys
I was reading I Will Save You last time I wrote, and I really liked it. I can't really say much about it without giving away the plot, but it was well written, interesting, and most importantly, I cared about the characters.
Dirty Little Secrets was about a teenager whose mother is a hoarder. The book really goes into details about this mental illness and it peaked my interest enough that I researched the illness myself which was kind of a bad idea because it made me all paranoid that Graham exhibits hoarding behavior. Of course, much of what I read talked about understanding the difference between normal kid hoarding and the actual mental illness. I think those of us that have mental illnesses see mental illness in everyone else. We are always diagnosing others. Having said that, I think most terms for varying mental illnesses are just words to describe a set of behaviors. Everyone has abnormal behaviors which actually makes it normal. What I am saying is that in a way everyone displays some characteristics of mental illness; some just exhibit it in more extreme ways and/or have multiple characteristics so they (we) are diagnosed with an actual term to describe it. OK, enough on my tangent about mental illness. The book was alright, but the whole middle section was just pages and pages describing the disgusting, mess of a house. I get that the author wanted the reader to really get how bad it was, but at a certain point I got it and would have preferred the story just move along. The ending was satisfying though.
After was a pretty intense book, but I liked it. It was about a girl who had everything going for her. She was an excellent student and a star soccer player. Her dad was gone and her mom wasn't as responsible as she was. The, the girl breaks her own rule and has sex, just once, and gets pregnant. However, she doesn't really realize she is pregnant, or subconsciously she does but is in a sort of denial. When she actually has the baby, alone, in her mom's apartment, she puts the baby in the dumpster behind the apartments. She ends up getting caught and going to a juvenile detention center. The book focuses on her slow progress coming out of the denial. If I had tackled this story, I probably would have gone about it a little differently, but I still liked the book a lot.
I am currently reading Uses for Boys. It is about the classic scenario of the girl who has no father figure, and in the book's case a distant mother as well, and tries to find value and comfort in boys and sex. I can tell you as a middle school teacher that this kind of girl exists. This scenario happens too often. However I also don't love the way the author is tackling the subject. It is hard to explain what I mean. It is written in short, choppy chapters with a lot of snippets of the main character's thoughts with a lot to be inferred. But because those snippets of thoughts are the same ones repeated over and over I as a reader am not getting the depth of the character I could if it was written differently.
So, that's where I am on the book front. It will be cool to keep track of just how many books I read this summer and what they are. People always ask me what I've been reading and I always blank out and don't have an answer, but by writing this all down I think I will be able to answer that question much more accurately.
Health: I'm sure I gained some weight the week my friend was here because there was a lot of eating and drinking going on. However, there was some decent activity as well. As a result I chose not to weigh myself for awhile, even after "getting back on the (health) wagon". I know a lot of people that disagree with the idea of not weighing yourself when you know it will be bad, that you are trying to fool yourself and therefore won't be as successful in your weight loss. That may very well be true for certain people.
Like most people, I respond better to positive reinforcement than negative, but I think I respond worse to negative reinforcement than a lot of people. Seeing a significant weight gain on the scale can make me feel very dejected. I know I probably gained weight, so I really don't need to see the actual number and am motivated to get back to a good weight before I weigh myself so I can have a nice surprise.
After a week of the old eating right/exercise routine I weighed myself and I was pleased. I am back to the weight I was before I gained the three pounds. I'm feeling pretty good about that. I also realized something. Before I started really trying to lose weight again because of my knee I had a natural resting spot for my weight possibly fluctuated a few pounds here and there. Then I lost those ten pounds back in March. I fell off the wagon for awhile and assumed I had gained it all back, but never checked. Now, I am back on the wagon. I actually think I have maintained that ten pound loss. I wasn't actively losing any weight for awhile, but I think I've been healthy enough to adjust my resting weight, which does happen after you maintain a certain weight for awhile. Having an average weight of ten pounds less than it has been for years is pretty awesome and I think I deserve to feel good about that.
Completely switching gears, my good high school friend came to visit for almost a week. Kyle and the kids headed to the coast that Tuesday afternoon and I picked up my friend at the airport at 10:30 at night. We went back to my place and talked and talked and talked, until like 3:30 in the morning. I can't remember the last time I stayed up until 3:30. It was awesome.
We got up the next day and after a nice breakfast out headed to the coast to meet up with the family. It was really fun to watch my friend's reaction to the northwest coast which is very different from the coast she is used to in Florida. I think the northwest is amazingly beautiful and the coast and quaint little coastal towns are no exception. She obviously saw the same thing I did and it was just really awesome to get to share it with someone that has never seen it or been exposed to it.
We did some walking on the beach, some Apples to Apples at the beach house, a small town 4th of July parade, a BBQ, and watched a pretty amazing professional fireworks show on the beach. The last day we took a beautiful hike down to Indian beach and stopped at the Tillamook Cheese Factory on the way home.
The last day she was here was nearly a perfect day. She and I biked for a while up the beautiful Springwater trail and then get over to this place called Edgefield. It is hard to explain Edgefield to someone that has never been there or to any of the other McMenamin's "resorts". Edgefield is a huge plot of land with lodging, different restaurants and bars and a winery, and a golf course. It is covered in gardens, including vegetable gardens and has a huge field where they hold concerts. MecMenamin's also brews their own beer. It is a beautiful place and we spent the day there eating, drinking, and wandering around the gardens. Then, we rode our bikes home. Seriously, biking, drinking, and gardens...three of my very, very favorite things. Doesn't get much better.
After she left it was back to our busy routines. Swim, Dance, Camps...In a lot of ways we are just as busy this summer as we are during the school year. There is a lot of rushing around to get to camps or classes on time and there are many days I don't shower, which is kind of gross since I workout most days, often in the morning. But the truth is when I know I am just going to sweat going hiking or biking later or get dirty swimming in the river at the beach it seems stupid to shower first.
Mimi is still in swimming and hip-hop dance class. Graham was involved in a camp last week that was custom made for him. It was a film making class and over the course of the week they made a zombie movie. Graham ended up being on the acting side of the camera a lot which is no surprise since he is a talented actor. For those of you that don't know Graham was to direct movies, specifically dark movies, horror movies, and comedy/horror movies. So as a said, this camp was custom made for him. They are going to send us a copy of the movie and I can't wait to see it.
Graham also hit a major milestone in growing up this week, he left his family for multiple days. Graham has never been away from me for more than a night except when he went to Las Vegas with my parents to see The Lion King musical and that was only two nights.
On Saturday he went with his friend's family to Long Beach, WA to stay on the beach for two nights. He was very nervous and pre-homesick and asked to take a picture of me with him. While he was gone he called me many times a day. I'm going to tell you right now, I cried when I was driving away from dropping him off at their house.
He came back Monday, stayed with us Monday and last night, and I just dropped him off at their house again this morning for a THREE night camping trip where there will not be cell phone reception. Though it is nice to be a little less busy with only one child, it will be strange and I will miss him dearly. However, I do feel a little better this time despite it being a longer trip in the woods because now that he already did it once and had a good time I am a little more at ease and he was definitely less nervous this time now that he is used to being with them and away from me. Also, his mom said they will drive into town a few times so he can call me. Obviously I trust this family and am very fond of them or I wouldn't have let him go.
Mimi and I have been doing this like hiking at Oaks Bottom and going to the river beach and going to the park. Sometimes we just like to put on our bathing suits and get out the kiddie pool and hang in the backyard. By the way, I love my yard. Both of us are outdoors lovers so that is where we spend most of our time. However, I have accomplished some cleaning and laundry between activities which is nice because if I keep things clean then I have more time to enjoy summer.
So, that pretty much brings us up to date. I am going to try to write more often from now on and then the posts won't have to be so long.
Also, if you are reading these, I never proof-read so please don't judge me; I have more important things to do (hiking, biking, playing) than proof-read. : )
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