Boy, it is probably getting annoying that I keep complaining about my job. But, it is what I do and where I am most days so it is kind of always on my mind. I feel bad complaining about it because in general I really am a very positive person and I don't want to come off as this negative, unhappy individual. Obviously I don't feel that bad, however, because here I go complaining again.
I really don't like my new job. OK, we all know that. The funny thing is, it is actually much easier than my old job. I'm not juggling a million things like I was as a teacher. I never have to work late or take work home. And, the thinking is not nearly as strenuous. Well, the truth is, the thinking COULD be as strenuous; the "thinking" concepts are the same in both positions. How do kids learn best? What practices can we change/tweek/enhance to better help kids become successful learners? How would the kids wrap their heads around this particular concept and what is the best vessel for them to do that?
These are BIG questions. Unwrapping them and finding resources and figuring out how to apply it all makes my head hurt. But, as a teacher, it was VERY rewarding. I put in the mind work as well as the time and was able to actually use it all in class and see the results.
I should be thinking about these things as an instructional coach. The problem is:
1. It is hard for me to think about these things when applying them to a different teacher with different strengths and different teaching styles. I can't get specific because it is not me and my students. I'm not in the other teacher's head. And, I'm supposed to think about these things for multiple teachers with multiple teaching styles. It's hard for me to think about these concepts in general and how to generally apply them. It is much easier when I'm creating (or eliciting from students) the final product.
2. I don't get the rewards for my strenuous thinking. I'm selfish; I know. I want to see the kids get it. I want to be the one to be in the room working with the kids, facilitating the awesome activities, and seeing the "aha moments" on the kids' faces.
So, point being, I choose not to think as hard when it comes to this job. The truth of the matter is, I just don't care anymore. I mean, of course I care; I care about kids and education and helping kids get the best education possible. I care about the teachers and how hard they work and I know they deserve support. But, I'm already burned out on this job. It's just not fun. I just don't have the energy to try and pick apart somebody else's lessons and classroom and analyze with them and be in meeting after meeting discussing administrative issues and being forced to think in a way that combines theory, my own beleifs, and what the district is pushing. I just don't care!
Because I'm burned out, because I don't care, I find myself just being DONE, usually an hour before the day is over. I just can't get myself to do anything else because it is all so boring and unrewarding.
I'm learning a lot of practical things that I can use in my classroom when I teach again and that's awesome. But, because of that, even more so, I just want to get back in the classroom. I want to help kids by teaching them and taking all of this and weaving it into my teaching strengths and styles and my kids. I want to support other teachers by collaborating with them about lessons and ideas. That is what I enjoy.
I'd be happy to go back to staying here until 5:00 most nights, taking home 1-4 hours of work on the weekend. I'd be happy to do it if I could be back in the classroom because then I would be enjoying my job. I would be happy on a day to day basis. I wouldn't be burned out by research and writing and reading and SITTING at a desk and trying to apply big concepts to people I don't fully understand. I would be energized by moving and interacting with kids the majority of the day and seeing their learning faces. Funny how an "easy" job can be so draining and a very hard job (which if you do it right, teaching is) can be so rejuvenating.
The good news is, for the most part, the rest of my life is going well. In general I'm content and I've accepted drudging through this job for the rest of the year. But PLEASE GOD, let me go back to the classroom next year.
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