Identity and Simplicity

I have learned so goddamn much in the last few years. Particulary, in the last year. I feel like I have found my true identity, my adult identity.  I know that additional layers will be created along the way, but I finally feel confident and solid in who I am again.  I've been able to figure out a lot of my hang-ups and where they came from. As a result I have been able to let go of many of them. I feel like I've started to walk the walk that I've always talked, that I've always pretended I was truly walking. I've come back around to the really wonderful person I once thought I was but felt I had lost. Many of the paths I took, the bad choices I made, caused so much regret inside me, even guilt. I've been working on getting over that for a long time and, for the most part, came to the conclusion that all paths led me to where I am supposed to be. But I still felt like those choices caused me to regress as a person and I didn't ever think I would be able to reverse that. I once felt very proud of many of my qualities and actions, and I deserved to feel that pride. I feel like I finally have those qualities back and that I can use those qualities more expertly now that I am an adult with knowledge and experience and maturity.

A few weeks ago on the Biggest Loser the player that was eliminated was a guy named Justin. He annoyed me at first but I came to really like him just like all the other people on the show. Anyway, he said something I really liked. He acknowledged that it is wonderful to be able to say out loud that you are someone special and be proud of who you are. He's right, and I kind of feel that way now. Like I can be proud of who I am again but even more than I ever was because I have this new sense of really being in control of myself and my life and feeling pride in how I am *trying* to live it. It's funny because he is one of the many mormons on the show. I'm not a fan of the mormon religion and I'm not sure why mormons and the Biggest Loser are so attracted to each other, but I've actually liked most of the mormons on the show. Anyway, as usual, I totally digress.

Simplicity. Such an important concept that has helped shape my *new* identity. I want to live simply, much more simply than I do now. I have simplified in many ways and there is no doubt that the more simply I live the happier I am. There are so many different aspects to simplify: money/possessions, relationships, emotions, health. It's ironic that living simply in this culture is a lot of work. Our culture is definitely not based around simplicity. I'm not blaming, but we live the way we learned to live and the way that was modeled for us being raised in this culture and it has become habit and habits are hard to break. Regardless, I've really learned that simplifying things, in every way, is a beautiful thing. For me a lot of it has been mentally simplifying things, not buying into or creating stress and drama in my life that doesn't need to be there. Part of this is not caring so much what other people think. I have always REALLY talked the talked with this one, but secretly done the opposite of walking the walk in many ways. Really though, worrying so much what others think is an act of self-absorbtion. Others are too busy worrying about their own lives to spend a whole lot of time analyzing my faults. And the people worth having around really aren't that critical. My northwest friends have really taught me that. Of course, I still get insecure and worry what others think sometimes, but I've gotten a lot better.

It's freeing really, to stop worrying so much about everything. What good does it do really? As long as you are responsible and prepare for the things you can prepare for, why worry? If something out of your control happens there is nothing you can do anyway. This new way of thinking has freed me up to focus on the things that really matter in my own life. I want to do (or not do) whatever I can to make life as content as it can be for my family and me. And I really feel as if life IS becoming more content.

There is no doubt that my mini-mid-life crisis was the impetus for this transformation. I had to go through that to get here. Cliche' metaphor but, I struggled, built my cocoon and retreated inside, and came out a bigger and more beautiful butterfly.  I am a better person today than I was at the beginning of the year in January. Being this person will benefit myself, my friends, my family, and the world. I really beleive that. Let's hope this feeling lasts.