Parenting Books

I'm not a big fan of parenting books. The thing is, as you are reading all the things you should do you are thinking, "Oops, I haven't been doing that," and as you are reading all the things you shouldn't do you are thinking, "Oh no, I do that all the time," and when you stop reading your mind is flooded with thoughts of, "Oh shit! I'm a horrible parent! I'm totally ruining my kids!"

Parenting books just make you feel like a failure as a parent.

Maybe there is some value in reading them when you are pregnant for the first time, or when your first child is still a little baby. You might get some ideas on how to approach things ahead of time or feel a little more confident going into the unknown territory of parenting. But even then it can be overwhelming, logging all these things in your brain you are supposed to do and not do, how you are supposed to do them, all while dealing with the everyday stresses of pregnancy or having an infant. So many things are already set firmly inside us: our habits, our personalities, our "way" of being. Reading a parenting book might give you one or two ideas that you truly implement as you begin parenting, but no way is reading the book going to instigate you to completely change your way of being, even if your "way" has some imperfections when it comes to parenting.

But as I said, there is an argument for checking out some of those books in the beginning of your journey as a parent. However, reading a parenting book once your kid is actually in school, or when you're having a second kid. Why? According to the books all the "right" and "wrong" ways of parenting need to be instilled early and consistently. So, if I have been doing it wrong with my child for 8 years already, telling me now isn't going to do me a lot of good. In fact, it's just going to make me feel horrible and guilty for messing up my kid. And, believe me, anything that I should do differently with my second, I will have already learned with my first without reading a parenting book.

The other truth is, I've never read anything in a parenting book I didn't know. I know lots of sugar is bad for my kids. I know that it is important that my kids get enough sleep. I know what I do is much more important than what I say because children learn from what is modeled to them, not what they are told. And, of course, I know we shouldn't yell in anger.

Knowing things and doing them are two very different actions. So often, when I am reading some parenting advice I'm thinking, "I know! But how? How do I not completely lose my shit and blow my top when my toddler is screaming for me to take off her shoes but when I start to take them off she screams that SHE wants to take them off so then I stop and she screams for me to take them off again and when I do she screams at me that she didn't want them off all while my 8 year old is whining about how his little sister's screaming is hurting his ears and he is hungry and when am I going to make him lunch while absent mindedly doodling on the new table with a pen!?!?"

Even when the newest, latest parenting book comes along, I still rarely find any new gems of knowledge. You know the book I'm talking about, the one that is completely changing the way we look at parenting and invalidating all that we thought was true of parenting before. Yeah well, no it's not. The book is either full of theories that are already out there just packaged differently or it's a very old theory that has almost been forgotten about come back to re-enlighten us.

So yeah, you can keep your parenting books. All they have ever given me is sorrow, remorse, guilt, and anger. I realize the idea is that you read about the best ways to parent and use the ideas to make changes in your own parenting, that reading the book isn't supposed to make you feel horrible, it is supposed to help you evolve as a parent. But, I'm quite aware of all that I'm doing wrong and constantly working on getting better. I remind myself every day of what I should and shouldn't have done with my kids. I work on myself because that is where the "how" comes in. Nothing those books tell me I don't know, it's the application of those parenting behaviors that is hard and the only way to work on that is by working on yourself. Things like anger management, eating and exercise habits, speaking appropriately (no swearing), etc. The places I mess up as a parent are the places I mess up as a person and no parenting book is going to help me with that.

So, rather than wasting time reading a book that will deplete my self-esteem especially when it comes to the identity of "mother", I will actually work on breathing techniques, not yelling, not swearing, finding ways to get exercise including WITH the children, cooking and eating healthy meals, and just trying to be the best person I can be.

In the end, I really believe there are a lot more good parents than bad. Every single human could go to therapy, talk about their problems, and discover that the origin for many of their problems is the way they were raised or something their parents did. This isn't because every parent is bad; this is because every parent is HUMAN and humans are imperfect. Most humans that become parents love their children unconditionally and everything they do is in the pursuit of helping their children. The fact that they make mistakes in that pursuit and in some instances don't help their children is just part of life and being human.

The difference between the good parent and the bad parent is not in their actions, but in their reflections and efforts. The good parent is the parent that will take the time to read the parenting book and feel guilty that they are not a good enough parent. The bad parent already thinks they are doing everything perfectly. The good parent will constantly be reflecting on how they handled certain situations with their children and if it turned out well, how it could have turned out better, and what they would do differently next time. The bad parent doesn't reflect at all. The good parent really watches their temper and goes three days without yelling and then loses it on the fourth day and totally screams at their children and then feels horrible, apologizes, and begins again. The bad parent yells and feels totally justified in doing so.

You get my drift. And please understand, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with parenting books. There are stronger, more disciplined people than I that read parenting books and do not spiral into a void of self-depreciation and actually apply what they read and make lasting changes in their parenting. I have the utmost respect (and a little envy) for those parents. I'm just not one of them. So I will continue to avoid parenting books at all cost as I strive to be a better parent every day.