Roots

I went back to my home town this weekend; good old Salt Lake City. It has been a very long time since I visited alone, without one of more members of my immediate family. I was excited to go on my own for many reasons. The everyday life of being a working mom has been particularly stressful lately, mostly because work has been more stressful than usual so I'm burned out with little energy to spare at home which makes all the at home issues feel more difficult. So, the idea of getting away from all of it, my work, my kids, my messy house, making dinner, and all the other routines of my life was exciting. Truly escaping, you know? Not to mention that being there without my family gave me a little more freedom in seeing my friends and doing the things I wanted to do when I wanted to do them.

I rented a car and had my own hotel room, so a lot of freedom and privacy and independence. Though I was definitely busy some of the time and had a lot of people to see, I also had some free time, by myself. The deep thinking always occurs when I'm alone with no pressing obligations and I can't remember the last time my mind was free enough to ponder and muse, not bogged down with what I have to do or where I have to be or with, "What the hell is that kid thinking?" which could be referring to my own children or my students. So, my mind was eager to wander to the past, incited by nearly every place I drove by and by the songs on the radio which in Salt Lake tend to be the same music I listened to growing up as a kid and teen.

Driving by a strip mall that once contained a pizza place that one of my old friends used to work at spurred various and intense memories. Getting lost in the suburbs reminded me of driving around and purposely trying to get lost with Melinda but never being able to do it because back then Utah was a pretty idiot proof place to get around. And of course driving by Trolley Square (I'm not even sure if it is called Trolley Square anymore) and remembering many karaoke nights at the movie theater turned bar that used to be there.

There were many others as well. It seemed every corner I turned there was some place that brought back memories or some song on the radio that did the same. These were memories of the things that shaped me, made me who I am today. Of course remembering is always bittersweet. Not all the memories are totally happy, or sometimes happy memories lead to sad memories such as great loves that led to awful break ups. But those memories are my roots, they ground me to my past and lead me to my life today.

Of course I spent time with old friends and family. Hanging out with Ben and Cammi and Mason and realizing that we are so connected not only in our past, but in our present as well. We can reminisce about old times but we tend to spend more time conversing now about our kids, parenting, our lives as adults. And it is wonderful to see that we fucked up together but all came through it to the other side. Now we can be responsible adults and parents together.

I also spent hours talking to my older sister, one of the most important people in my life and definitely one of my favorite. It has been SO long since we have been able to do that, both being working moms and living in different states, well, it has been years. But here I was without obligations and she took the day off and her daughter was in daycare and we were able to just talk like we used to and it may have been my favorite part of the entire trip. No doubt that she was HUGE in shaping who I am and our roots go deep.

Then there was my cousin, Adam, and his wedding reception. This was the whole reason I took the trip to SLC. Usually when I get invitations to family events during the school year, it is just a formality. Everyone knows as a teacher it is hard to take time off and usually I can't go. But when I received this invitation, from my favorite cousin, thinking about our past and how close we once were, how much time we spent together, I decided it was worth it to use my personal days and to go to the reception.

He and I aren't in close contact anymore. I think the last time I saw him was three years ago and before that it had been a really, really long time. I realized that made me sad. We get so caught up in our adult lives, so busy and consumed, that we forget to nurture those relationships from the past that shaped us and have the potential to continue shaping us as we continue to grow.

The only aunt or uncle from my mom's side that I was ever really close to was his mom, Eli. When we were kids she took care of my sister and I a lot and my mom also took care of Adam and his brother, Ryan a lot. So obviously, we spent a lot of time together. Adam and I are only two years apart and we always got along really well. I remember his Star Wars birthday and he was dressed as Luke and my mom did those Princess Leia twirly things in my hair. I remember his pet tortoise and playing with it. I remember he and I tormenting his little brother.

I also remember later in life, when we were both teens, reconnecting after not having seen each other much. We were both going through a lot of the same stuff and it was so easy, like time had never passed.  We just connected and it was effortless to talk to one another. At the wedding he told me that my sister and I shaped him, that he looked up to us. I never really thought of myself as being someone he would look up to. But regardless, it was nice to hear, and the truth is he is a part of my roots and shaped me as well. I hope I start to nurture that relationship a little more.

I didn't get to see one of my other best friends, Seth. He had just had major surgery and it just ended up being bad timing. On Saturday afternoon I had some free time and went hiking up the trail behind Red Butte Gardens. It was beautiful and sunny and my brain was oscillating between thoughts of our past and present. Seth and I have spent a lot of time hiking together and have hiked the very trail I was on more than once. My relationship with him has been a major influence on my life and had a huge role in shaping me. Again, our roots go deep.

So, all in all it was a good break. I don't know if I would call the trip relaxing; it was busy at times and when it wasn't my mind was busy. A busy mind for me is always tied to an emotional heart, and as my mind raced through these thoughts my heart feeling, feeling things whether happy or sad or a little of both, was palpable. It was as if I could physically feel my heart swelling with emotion.

Anyway, it is good to get back to SLC sometimes and be close to my past. It helps remind me to nourish my future with the people and experiences that shaped me. It reminds just what my roots are made of.