I have learned so goddamn much in the last few years. Particulary, in the last year. I feel like I have found my true identity, my adult identity. I know that additional layers will be created along the way, but I finally feel confident and solid in who I am again. I've been able to figure out a lot of my hang-ups and where they came from. As a result I have been able to let go of many of them. I feel like I've started to walk the walk that I've always talked, that I've always pretended I was truly walking. I've come back around to the really wonderful person I once thought I was but felt I had lost. Many of the paths I took, the bad choices I made, caused so much regret inside me, even guilt. I've been working on getting over that for a long time and, for the most part, came to the conclusion that all paths led me to where I am supposed to be. But I still felt like those choices caused me to regress as a person and I didn't ever think I would be able to reverse that. I once felt very proud of many of my qualities and actions, and I deserved to feel that pride. I feel like I finally have those qualities back and that I can use those qualities more expertly now that I am an adult with knowledge and experience and maturity.
A few weeks ago on the Biggest Loser the player that was eliminated was a guy named Justin. He annoyed me at first but I came to really like him just like all the other people on the show. Anyway, he said something I really liked. He acknowledged that it is wonderful to be able to say out loud that you are someone special and be proud of who you are. He's right, and I kind of feel that way now. Like I can be proud of who I am again but even more than I ever was because I have this new sense of really being in control of myself and my life and feeling pride in how I am *trying* to live it. It's funny because he is one of the many mormons on the show. I'm not a fan of the mormon religion and I'm not sure why mormons and the Biggest Loser are so attracted to each other, but I've actually liked most of the mormons on the show. Anyway, as usual, I totally digress.
Simplicity. Such an important concept that has helped shape my *new* identity. I want to live simply, much more simply than I do now. I have simplified in many ways and there is no doubt that the more simply I live the happier I am. There are so many different aspects to simplify: money/possessions, relationships, emotions, health. It's ironic that living simply in this culture is a lot of work. Our culture is definitely not based around simplicity. I'm not blaming, but we live the way we learned to live and the way that was modeled for us being raised in this culture and it has become habit and habits are hard to break. Regardless, I've really learned that simplifying things, in every way, is a beautiful thing. For me a lot of it has been mentally simplifying things, not buying into or creating stress and drama in my life that doesn't need to be there. Part of this is not caring so much what other people think. I have always REALLY talked the talked with this one, but secretly done the opposite of walking the walk in many ways. Really though, worrying so much what others think is an act of self-absorbtion. Others are too busy worrying about their own lives to spend a whole lot of time analyzing my faults. And the people worth having around really aren't that critical. My northwest friends have really taught me that. Of course, I still get insecure and worry what others think sometimes, but I've gotten a lot better.
It's freeing really, to stop worrying so much about everything. What good does it do really? As long as you are responsible and prepare for the things you can prepare for, why worry? If something out of your control happens there is nothing you can do anyway. This new way of thinking has freed me up to focus on the things that really matter in my own life. I want to do (or not do) whatever I can to make life as content as it can be for my family and me. And I really feel as if life IS becoming more content.
There is no doubt that my mini-mid-life crisis was the impetus for this transformation. I had to go through that to get here. Cliche' metaphor but, I struggled, built my cocoon and retreated inside, and came out a bigger and more beautiful butterfly. I am a better person today than I was at the beginning of the year in January. Being this person will benefit myself, my friends, my family, and the world. I really beleive that. Let's hope this feeling lasts.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Visualizing the Story of my Future
If I hadn't decided to be a teacher, I would have become a counselor or a psychologist. Though I can enjoy a nice cynical conversation as much as the next guy, deep down I am a touchy-feely person. I'm positive and sunshiny and not afraid of emotion. In fact, I am fascinated by human emotion and love hearing people's stories and analyzing them, as well as analyzing my own.
Since I am a "coach" right now, I attend coaching trainings a few times a year. I really like our trainer immensely. She comes at the coaching from a counseling perspective and is quite touchy-feely. Transferring this method over to my job as an instructional coach is difficult because I am coaching teachers in becoming better at their jobs. At times this can focus on emotional aspects, but for the most part it is meant to stay professional.
However, many of the approaches our coaching trainer has illuminated are practices I already use in my own life, even though I didn't realize I was using them; it's always been unconcious. One of those approaches is visualizing the future you want. When first put out as a theory, it sounds cheesy. But I realized that when I make changes that help me grow and bring me joy, I usually start by visualizing what I want. It really works. Weight loss experts always talk about using this strategy. When you feel like giving up, visualize how you want to look and feel, what you want to be able to do, and it will inspire you to continue. I'm not saying it works 100% of the time; change is hard, but it's a good start.
Earlier in the year I was going through a really hard time. I am doing much better now. I think the first step was starting this blog. Counselor's often recommend journaling; it's a good strategy. By writing about my thoughts and feelings I've been able to:
1. Allow myself to feel them and voice them
2. Process them
3. Purge them
This allowed me to move forward in "becoming the change I want to see." Yes, cheesy but true. I began to visualize what I wanted my life to look like. I didn't do this on purpose, I just did it naturally. I focused on the summer. I know that I don't love my job and that the rest of the school year isn't going to be ideal. In some ways I don't have a lot of control over the rest of this school year. However, summer is my time and I have, to an extent, total control over what I do. So I began to visualize a summer in which I look and feel healthier. A summer filled with hiking and biking and outdoor activities. A summer in which I spend ample time with my children, fostering the same love of the outdoors and nature that I have. I imagine being a good role model for my children, not telling them how I want them to be, but showing them. I imagine doing a lot of reading and setting aside time to work with my children on reading, writing, math, but in fun ways. I see my son having lots of experiences to cultivate his love and talents for the arts. I see money being budgeted carefully and spent wisely. I picture a household that has a little more structure and organization so that we have more time for joy.
Once I really saw these things in my head I was motivated; I was motivated to not just desire it, but to make it happen. However, over the years and based on the experiences I've had I realize that change comes from small steps. In psychology the evidence based model for permanent, sustainable, quality change is baby step, feel success, motivation, another baby step, more success, motivation, etc. So, I've slowly started implementing baby steps over the last month and I am feeling success and some of the changes I desire. Part of this means work, work I don't always want to do. But the more I make these minor changes, the better I feel and the easier it is to do the work and take new steps. It makes me happy. I also see how it affects others. I'm seeing how my family is better for the changes I am making. If I am a better person it will also make life better for them.
I'm also seeing the positive effects of visualizing in my profession. Of course, part of my visualization for next year is that I will be back in the classroom. I'm crossing my fingers that this will happen on its own, but I'm also starting to realize that I'm willing to fight for it if it doesn't happen naturally. I'm seeing all the things I can add to my own classroom and teaching as well as how I can take what I've learned as a coach to other teams I work with in the building to make our school better for the students all around.
I've also been working one-on-one with a student who reads at about a Kindergarten levl. I'm not supposed to be doing that in my role as a coach, but I don't give a damn. It is SO rewarding. Now that I am actually doing it and seeing how it can really make a difference in this kid's life, I am visualizing taking this into the future. I want to give him resources for the summer so he can continue to practice. And this kid will, he is so inspired to learn to read. I see myself finding a way to keep tutoring him all next year, no matter what. And I can truly picture him going into high school with enough reading ability to have a fighting chance. I really, really, think we can do this. Seeing that future in my mind inspires me to follow through and not give up.
So, yeah, visualization. Maybe it sounds stupid, but it's not; I really think it works. I don't know that we always completely fulfill our visualizations, but it's a start. Picturing the future we want motivates us to take steps toward it. No matter if we fully realize the vision, or even if somewhere along the way what we want changes, we end up the better for it.
Since I am a "coach" right now, I attend coaching trainings a few times a year. I really like our trainer immensely. She comes at the coaching from a counseling perspective and is quite touchy-feely. Transferring this method over to my job as an instructional coach is difficult because I am coaching teachers in becoming better at their jobs. At times this can focus on emotional aspects, but for the most part it is meant to stay professional.
However, many of the approaches our coaching trainer has illuminated are practices I already use in my own life, even though I didn't realize I was using them; it's always been unconcious. One of those approaches is visualizing the future you want. When first put out as a theory, it sounds cheesy. But I realized that when I make changes that help me grow and bring me joy, I usually start by visualizing what I want. It really works. Weight loss experts always talk about using this strategy. When you feel like giving up, visualize how you want to look and feel, what you want to be able to do, and it will inspire you to continue. I'm not saying it works 100% of the time; change is hard, but it's a good start.
Earlier in the year I was going through a really hard time. I am doing much better now. I think the first step was starting this blog. Counselor's often recommend journaling; it's a good strategy. By writing about my thoughts and feelings I've been able to:
1. Allow myself to feel them and voice them
2. Process them
3. Purge them
This allowed me to move forward in "becoming the change I want to see." Yes, cheesy but true. I began to visualize what I wanted my life to look like. I didn't do this on purpose, I just did it naturally. I focused on the summer. I know that I don't love my job and that the rest of the school year isn't going to be ideal. In some ways I don't have a lot of control over the rest of this school year. However, summer is my time and I have, to an extent, total control over what I do. So I began to visualize a summer in which I look and feel healthier. A summer filled with hiking and biking and outdoor activities. A summer in which I spend ample time with my children, fostering the same love of the outdoors and nature that I have. I imagine being a good role model for my children, not telling them how I want them to be, but showing them. I imagine doing a lot of reading and setting aside time to work with my children on reading, writing, math, but in fun ways. I see my son having lots of experiences to cultivate his love and talents for the arts. I see money being budgeted carefully and spent wisely. I picture a household that has a little more structure and organization so that we have more time for joy.
Once I really saw these things in my head I was motivated; I was motivated to not just desire it, but to make it happen. However, over the years and based on the experiences I've had I realize that change comes from small steps. In psychology the evidence based model for permanent, sustainable, quality change is baby step, feel success, motivation, another baby step, more success, motivation, etc. So, I've slowly started implementing baby steps over the last month and I am feeling success and some of the changes I desire. Part of this means work, work I don't always want to do. But the more I make these minor changes, the better I feel and the easier it is to do the work and take new steps. It makes me happy. I also see how it affects others. I'm seeing how my family is better for the changes I am making. If I am a better person it will also make life better for them.
I'm also seeing the positive effects of visualizing in my profession. Of course, part of my visualization for next year is that I will be back in the classroom. I'm crossing my fingers that this will happen on its own, but I'm also starting to realize that I'm willing to fight for it if it doesn't happen naturally. I'm seeing all the things I can add to my own classroom and teaching as well as how I can take what I've learned as a coach to other teams I work with in the building to make our school better for the students all around.
I've also been working one-on-one with a student who reads at about a Kindergarten levl. I'm not supposed to be doing that in my role as a coach, but I don't give a damn. It is SO rewarding. Now that I am actually doing it and seeing how it can really make a difference in this kid's life, I am visualizing taking this into the future. I want to give him resources for the summer so he can continue to practice. And this kid will, he is so inspired to learn to read. I see myself finding a way to keep tutoring him all next year, no matter what. And I can truly picture him going into high school with enough reading ability to have a fighting chance. I really, really, think we can do this. Seeing that future in my mind inspires me to follow through and not give up.
So, yeah, visualization. Maybe it sounds stupid, but it's not; I really think it works. I don't know that we always completely fulfill our visualizations, but it's a start. Picturing the future we want motivates us to take steps toward it. No matter if we fully realize the vision, or even if somewhere along the way what we want changes, we end up the better for it.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Back in Time
Early yesterday morning Amelia and I went to the store. Originally I was going to the store to get half and half and milk. This family can pretty much make do with whatever we have in the house except when it comes to three things: cream, coffee and milk. Kyle and I cannot live without cream and coffee and the kids cannot live without their milk.
However, upon further investigation it turned out that we did have cream, enough for Saturday and Sunday, or so I thought. In the end I went to the store anyway for milk, banans, cereal, and eggs; but now I wish I had purchased cream as we only have enough this morning for one cup of coffee each. But I digress.
As stated, it was quite early and very overcast, slightly rainy, and a little foggy. I didn't shower before going and just threw on some pants and a hat. I still felt groggy and unattractive as I had just recently woken up.
As Amelia and I were driving home "Where is My Mind" by the Pixies came on; I promptly turned it up as I love the song. For a moment, I was 24 again. I was 24 and driving home or to breakfast from whomever's house I had crashed at the night before. I was hung-over and gross yet somewhat exhilarated by my life and independence. At that time in my life the Pixies were a permanent fixture.
This brings me back to the incredible awe I have for the medium of music. Music doesn't just induce memories, it can literally take you back in time to a moment or an era in your life. Sometimes, like yesterday, it is literally a moment, you feel exactly like you did at that moment in time. Other times music just induces a feeling that is exactly the feeling you once experienced in the past. At those times you might not always remember the exact moment you had that feeling, but you know the era it came from. You're not just remembering the era, you are literally experiencing the feelings again, if for just a moment.
It just blows my mind and it happens to me all the time. Sometimes it is good, meaning the feeling, era, or moment the music recreates is a positive one. Other times negative past experiences or feelings are felt, but I don't mind. I like that there is something that can *almost* take me back in time, something that keeps me from completely losing those experiences, good or bad. Otherwise those experiences and feelings would only exist in the form of distant memories.
So, yeah, I enjoyed rocking out to the Pixies for a moment, regardless of being 36 and heading home from the grocery store with my child in her car seat behind me. I prefer my life now to when I was 24, but those experiences are still a part of me, made me who I am and taught me everything I know. So, I want to be able to tap into every single moment from the past. Only music enables me to do that.
However, upon further investigation it turned out that we did have cream, enough for Saturday and Sunday, or so I thought. In the end I went to the store anyway for milk, banans, cereal, and eggs; but now I wish I had purchased cream as we only have enough this morning for one cup of coffee each. But I digress.
As stated, it was quite early and very overcast, slightly rainy, and a little foggy. I didn't shower before going and just threw on some pants and a hat. I still felt groggy and unattractive as I had just recently woken up.
As Amelia and I were driving home "Where is My Mind" by the Pixies came on; I promptly turned it up as I love the song. For a moment, I was 24 again. I was 24 and driving home or to breakfast from whomever's house I had crashed at the night before. I was hung-over and gross yet somewhat exhilarated by my life and independence. At that time in my life the Pixies were a permanent fixture.
This brings me back to the incredible awe I have for the medium of music. Music doesn't just induce memories, it can literally take you back in time to a moment or an era in your life. Sometimes, like yesterday, it is literally a moment, you feel exactly like you did at that moment in time. Other times music just induces a feeling that is exactly the feeling you once experienced in the past. At those times you might not always remember the exact moment you had that feeling, but you know the era it came from. You're not just remembering the era, you are literally experiencing the feelings again, if for just a moment.
It just blows my mind and it happens to me all the time. Sometimes it is good, meaning the feeling, era, or moment the music recreates is a positive one. Other times negative past experiences or feelings are felt, but I don't mind. I like that there is something that can *almost* take me back in time, something that keeps me from completely losing those experiences, good or bad. Otherwise those experiences and feelings would only exist in the form of distant memories.
So, yeah, I enjoyed rocking out to the Pixies for a moment, regardless of being 36 and heading home from the grocery store with my child in her car seat behind me. I prefer my life now to when I was 24, but those experiences are still a part of me, made me who I am and taught me everything I know. So, I want to be able to tap into every single moment from the past. Only music enables me to do that.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Like I've Said Before: In My Heart, I'm a Hobbit
The lush scent of trees and turned earth. The soothing rustle of leaves fluttering in the wind. The subtle movements of a bird or rabbit in their natural environment. My soul yearns for these experiences.
A few weeks ago Graham, Amelia, and I went on a nice long walk down the Johnson Creek trail. Not necessarily the most beautiful trail in Portland, but still very nice. During our walk I decided something; I want to live in the country. The thought just hit me and I knew; there was no second guessing or questioning. The countryside is where I belong.
When I say country I am not thinking of being extremely removed from the city. My vision is to live in the outskirts of the city, possibly in Troutdale or towards the Gorge. Maybe out near Helvatia or even the outlying areas of West Linn. I want to be close enough that it isn’t a major commute to work for Kyle or me and we can still do things in the city, but ultimately the urban lure just isn’t there for me anymore.
When Kyle and I decided to buy a house we were both very stubborn about staying in the city. At the time we were both still tied to the idea of our younger lifestyles. We were both very social and enjoyed being “in the scene”. Unfortunately that meant we were going to spend more money for less house. Houses with a lot more yard space and square footage are available for lower prices as you move away from the urban areas, which is another positive of moving away from the city in the future. We were so set on the city, however, that we were willing to spend more for less.
We are somewhat different people now that we have two kids and have grown up a little. We rarely utilize the city amenities anymore. The truth of the matter is, whenever I have time to get out of the house to do something I find enjoyable, I seek out natural atmospheres. Any of you who know me well know that hiking is the most enjoyable thing in the world to me. (Well, reading probably ties for first place.) Honestly, I just feel more at home outside than inside. It is also obvious to me that both my kids are lovers of the outdoors. How wonderful it would be to have the option of enjoying the seclusion of nature without leaving my home!
I dream of having a magical yard; I always have. A yard that is natural and overgrown with some areas that are a bit more manicured, but not too much. I want wind chimes and rough wood benches made from the trunks of tress; lots and lots of gardens of the vegetable and flower variety. I want my kids to be able to run free and imagine the possibility of fairies and pixies in the mystery of the woods; to have snow in my yard in the winter, enough so the kids can actually play in it and make snowmen. I long for afternoons of sitting in my enchanting yard away from buildings and cars and man-made noise and watching my kids frolic and frolic and frolic.
This is not something that is going to happen tomorrow. We are in no place to sell our house or afford buying a new house. But I have talked to Kyle about this and he is game. So, down the road when we are ready to get a new house, we are going to look out of the city. By that time Graham will be a little older and he may not be as enticed by the magic of the country. However, he is an outdoorsy kid and I believe he will enjoy having nature at his fingertips. Amelia, on the other hand, is young enough and will still be young enough when that time comes that the magical discoveries of the natural environment will be ideal for her. As for me, I am waiting for that day with bated breath.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
My Job AGAIN
Boy, it is probably getting annoying that I keep complaining about my job. But, it is what I do and where I am most days so it is kind of always on my mind. I feel bad complaining about it because in general I really am a very positive person and I don't want to come off as this negative, unhappy individual. Obviously I don't feel that bad, however, because here I go complaining again.
I really don't like my new job. OK, we all know that. The funny thing is, it is actually much easier than my old job. I'm not juggling a million things like I was as a teacher. I never have to work late or take work home. And, the thinking is not nearly as strenuous. Well, the truth is, the thinking COULD be as strenuous; the "thinking" concepts are the same in both positions. How do kids learn best? What practices can we change/tweek/enhance to better help kids become successful learners? How would the kids wrap their heads around this particular concept and what is the best vessel for them to do that?
These are BIG questions. Unwrapping them and finding resources and figuring out how to apply it all makes my head hurt. But, as a teacher, it was VERY rewarding. I put in the mind work as well as the time and was able to actually use it all in class and see the results.
I should be thinking about these things as an instructional coach. The problem is:
1. It is hard for me to think about these things when applying them to a different teacher with different strengths and different teaching styles. I can't get specific because it is not me and my students. I'm not in the other teacher's head. And, I'm supposed to think about these things for multiple teachers with multiple teaching styles. It's hard for me to think about these concepts in general and how to generally apply them. It is much easier when I'm creating (or eliciting from students) the final product.
2. I don't get the rewards for my strenuous thinking. I'm selfish; I know. I want to see the kids get it. I want to be the one to be in the room working with the kids, facilitating the awesome activities, and seeing the "aha moments" on the kids' faces.
So, point being, I choose not to think as hard when it comes to this job. The truth of the matter is, I just don't care anymore. I mean, of course I care; I care about kids and education and helping kids get the best education possible. I care about the teachers and how hard they work and I know they deserve support. But, I'm already burned out on this job. It's just not fun. I just don't have the energy to try and pick apart somebody else's lessons and classroom and analyze with them and be in meeting after meeting discussing administrative issues and being forced to think in a way that combines theory, my own beleifs, and what the district is pushing. I just don't care!
Because I'm burned out, because I don't care, I find myself just being DONE, usually an hour before the day is over. I just can't get myself to do anything else because it is all so boring and unrewarding.
I'm learning a lot of practical things that I can use in my classroom when I teach again and that's awesome. But, because of that, even more so, I just want to get back in the classroom. I want to help kids by teaching them and taking all of this and weaving it into my teaching strengths and styles and my kids. I want to support other teachers by collaborating with them about lessons and ideas. That is what I enjoy.
I'd be happy to go back to staying here until 5:00 most nights, taking home 1-4 hours of work on the weekend. I'd be happy to do it if I could be back in the classroom because then I would be enjoying my job. I would be happy on a day to day basis. I wouldn't be burned out by research and writing and reading and SITTING at a desk and trying to apply big concepts to people I don't fully understand. I would be energized by moving and interacting with kids the majority of the day and seeing their learning faces. Funny how an "easy" job can be so draining and a very hard job (which if you do it right, teaching is) can be so rejuvenating.
The good news is, for the most part, the rest of my life is going well. In general I'm content and I've accepted drudging through this job for the rest of the year. But PLEASE GOD, let me go back to the classroom next year.
I really don't like my new job. OK, we all know that. The funny thing is, it is actually much easier than my old job. I'm not juggling a million things like I was as a teacher. I never have to work late or take work home. And, the thinking is not nearly as strenuous. Well, the truth is, the thinking COULD be as strenuous; the "thinking" concepts are the same in both positions. How do kids learn best? What practices can we change/tweek/enhance to better help kids become successful learners? How would the kids wrap their heads around this particular concept and what is the best vessel for them to do that?
These are BIG questions. Unwrapping them and finding resources and figuring out how to apply it all makes my head hurt. But, as a teacher, it was VERY rewarding. I put in the mind work as well as the time and was able to actually use it all in class and see the results.
I should be thinking about these things as an instructional coach. The problem is:
1. It is hard for me to think about these things when applying them to a different teacher with different strengths and different teaching styles. I can't get specific because it is not me and my students. I'm not in the other teacher's head. And, I'm supposed to think about these things for multiple teachers with multiple teaching styles. It's hard for me to think about these concepts in general and how to generally apply them. It is much easier when I'm creating (or eliciting from students) the final product.
2. I don't get the rewards for my strenuous thinking. I'm selfish; I know. I want to see the kids get it. I want to be the one to be in the room working with the kids, facilitating the awesome activities, and seeing the "aha moments" on the kids' faces.
So, point being, I choose not to think as hard when it comes to this job. The truth of the matter is, I just don't care anymore. I mean, of course I care; I care about kids and education and helping kids get the best education possible. I care about the teachers and how hard they work and I know they deserve support. But, I'm already burned out on this job. It's just not fun. I just don't have the energy to try and pick apart somebody else's lessons and classroom and analyze with them and be in meeting after meeting discussing administrative issues and being forced to think in a way that combines theory, my own beleifs, and what the district is pushing. I just don't care!
Because I'm burned out, because I don't care, I find myself just being DONE, usually an hour before the day is over. I just can't get myself to do anything else because it is all so boring and unrewarding.
I'm learning a lot of practical things that I can use in my classroom when I teach again and that's awesome. But, because of that, even more so, I just want to get back in the classroom. I want to help kids by teaching them and taking all of this and weaving it into my teaching strengths and styles and my kids. I want to support other teachers by collaborating with them about lessons and ideas. That is what I enjoy.
I'd be happy to go back to staying here until 5:00 most nights, taking home 1-4 hours of work on the weekend. I'd be happy to do it if I could be back in the classroom because then I would be enjoying my job. I would be happy on a day to day basis. I wouldn't be burned out by research and writing and reading and SITTING at a desk and trying to apply big concepts to people I don't fully understand. I would be energized by moving and interacting with kids the majority of the day and seeing their learning faces. Funny how an "easy" job can be so draining and a very hard job (which if you do it right, teaching is) can be so rejuvenating.
The good news is, for the most part, the rest of my life is going well. In general I'm content and I've accepted drudging through this job for the rest of the year. But PLEASE GOD, let me go back to the classroom next year.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Writing to kill time...
I haven't written on this blog for awhile. There are lots of times that there is something in my mind that I feel passionate about and want to write about it. Unfortunately the moments that I feel that way are never conducive to actually writing. Often it is when I am in the car. Unfortunately, even if I'm at home I am usually too busy or the atmosphere is too chaotic for me to write. Then, when the opportunity finally does arise, I don't feel like it anymore.
Earlier this morning I was really pissed off. I was up on my soap box in my mind ranting and raving about a topic that we have been focusing on recently at work. The debate about this topic pretty much came to an end on Friday and the outcome wasn't all that bad, so I don't know why all of a sudden I got pissed about it again today.
After ranting in my head and being pissed, I just got kind of depressed. Not REALLY depressed, just that blah feeling, you know? So, it's been kind of a blah day. There isn't any real reason, I don't think. Maybe a little that the weather is all dark and rainy again. Maybe a little that I am trying to be healthy all of a sudden and might be having sugar withdrawals. But really I think sometimes we just have blah days; it's part of being human.
Earlier in the week I really wanted to write about nostalgia and memories and music, again. I was feeling really good in general; I had a good week last week, and I was feeling really passionate in a positive way about myself and memories and identity etc. Hopefully that feeling will come back and I will still write about it, but not today. I'm just not feeling it.
I'm glad Spring Break is only three weeks away. No pity needed but, I still really don't like my job. So, yeah, Spring Break is a good thing. I only hope for once we actually have a nice, sunny Spring Break. I'm not saying I expect it to be super warm or shorts weather or anything, just nice enough to do outside activities.
Yeah, remember in an earlier blog I talked about cycling through over-emotional periods and then when they ended feeling kind of bored and blah? I think I'm in the bored/blah phase of the cycle. I guess the good news is that the emotional phases are sometimes happy phases now, not just angsty. But right now I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to. I mean short term. There are always wonderful "down the road" things to look forward to. But, I really need short term rewards. The funny thing is, what constitutes a "reward" or something to look forward to changes depending on my perspective. I don't think it's that when I'm going through a blah phase that there is less to look forward to, I just think that the blahness makes things seem not as exciting or happy. When I'm in an emotional phase, good or bad, things coming up seem more interesting and therefore make me more excited.
Whatever, blah, blah, blah....
Earlier this morning I was really pissed off. I was up on my soap box in my mind ranting and raving about a topic that we have been focusing on recently at work. The debate about this topic pretty much came to an end on Friday and the outcome wasn't all that bad, so I don't know why all of a sudden I got pissed about it again today.
After ranting in my head and being pissed, I just got kind of depressed. Not REALLY depressed, just that blah feeling, you know? So, it's been kind of a blah day. There isn't any real reason, I don't think. Maybe a little that the weather is all dark and rainy again. Maybe a little that I am trying to be healthy all of a sudden and might be having sugar withdrawals. But really I think sometimes we just have blah days; it's part of being human.
Earlier in the week I really wanted to write about nostalgia and memories and music, again. I was feeling really good in general; I had a good week last week, and I was feeling really passionate in a positive way about myself and memories and identity etc. Hopefully that feeling will come back and I will still write about it, but not today. I'm just not feeling it.
I'm glad Spring Break is only three weeks away. No pity needed but, I still really don't like my job. So, yeah, Spring Break is a good thing. I only hope for once we actually have a nice, sunny Spring Break. I'm not saying I expect it to be super warm or shorts weather or anything, just nice enough to do outside activities.
Yeah, remember in an earlier blog I talked about cycling through over-emotional periods and then when they ended feeling kind of bored and blah? I think I'm in the bored/blah phase of the cycle. I guess the good news is that the emotional phases are sometimes happy phases now, not just angsty. But right now I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to. I mean short term. There are always wonderful "down the road" things to look forward to. But, I really need short term rewards. The funny thing is, what constitutes a "reward" or something to look forward to changes depending on my perspective. I don't think it's that when I'm going through a blah phase that there is less to look forward to, I just think that the blahness makes things seem not as exciting or happy. When I'm in an emotional phase, good or bad, things coming up seem more interesting and therefore make me more excited.
Whatever, blah, blah, blah....
Friday, February 4, 2011
More on job
After posting about not liking my job, then posting about how things are really fine, I'm going to complain about my job again. Or, more so, the loss of teaching students. This doesn't change my last email. Overall I am content in life and am lucky to have a job that does suit me in some aspects (at least I am still in a school and in education). But....
I am going through a resurgence of bitterness and saddness about the new job. I just find it so ironic that the year they decide to pull me out of the classroom is the year I have my favorite students to date. I mean, I always love my students...well, love is a strong word for last year's students:) But I seriously have not EVER enjoyed a group quite as much. I will be the first to admit that in many ways my feelings are completely selfish and self-absorbed. But, I want to be the one to teach them. I want to spend the days with them. I miss them and am bummed that the connections with them will decrease...not fade, but decrease. I can already feel it. I mean, of course, they will encounter new struggles and successes that I won't be there to see. So, I won't be the one to congratulate them or help them solve their problems. They will find someone else to fill that role. And I know that there are other great teachers with them that will do a fantastic job of filling that role. But I want it to be me:(
In some ways I feel like it would almost be easier if I just cut myself off from the kids completely. But, I can't do that. Instead I am checking in with certain kids, keeping tabs on how things are going and letting them know I am keeping tabs. Maybe I can't directly help them, but at least they will know that I care, that I think it is worth my time to keep updated on what is going on with them. I will visit them sometimes too. Even though it is hard because it makes me miss them more, I know it is the right thing.
It really does me no good to dwell on how sad it makes me that I can't be with them on a daily basis and be the one to guide their reading improvement. I think that is why I have just been avoiding even thinking about it and focusing on other things, my new job, so I won't be sad because I can't change it and have no control over it. But, sometimes it crops up, when I see them, which I'm not going to stop doing. So, for a moment I will feel sad...sad more than bitter, but in the end I will move on because that is really all I can do.
I am going through a resurgence of bitterness and saddness about the new job. I just find it so ironic that the year they decide to pull me out of the classroom is the year I have my favorite students to date. I mean, I always love my students...well, love is a strong word for last year's students:) But I seriously have not EVER enjoyed a group quite as much. I will be the first to admit that in many ways my feelings are completely selfish and self-absorbed. But, I want to be the one to teach them. I want to spend the days with them. I miss them and am bummed that the connections with them will decrease...not fade, but decrease. I can already feel it. I mean, of course, they will encounter new struggles and successes that I won't be there to see. So, I won't be the one to congratulate them or help them solve their problems. They will find someone else to fill that role. And I know that there are other great teachers with them that will do a fantastic job of filling that role. But I want it to be me:(
In some ways I feel like it would almost be easier if I just cut myself off from the kids completely. But, I can't do that. Instead I am checking in with certain kids, keeping tabs on how things are going and letting them know I am keeping tabs. Maybe I can't directly help them, but at least they will know that I care, that I think it is worth my time to keep updated on what is going on with them. I will visit them sometimes too. Even though it is hard because it makes me miss them more, I know it is the right thing.
It really does me no good to dwell on how sad it makes me that I can't be with them on a daily basis and be the one to guide their reading improvement. I think that is why I have just been avoiding even thinking about it and focusing on other things, my new job, so I won't be sad because I can't change it and have no control over it. But, sometimes it crops up, when I see them, which I'm not going to stop doing. So, for a moment I will feel sad...sad more than bitter, but in the end I will move on because that is really all I can do.
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