I've decided I'm going to keep a daily blog this summer. I guess it will be more of a journal than anything else...maybe not that interesting for anyone else to read but good for me to just write.
One thing I'm going to do on this summer blog is keep track of all the books I read. I've been horrible about reading during the school year. I get all hung up on tv shows and since the only free time I have during the school year is at night before I go to bed I spend it watching those tv shows instead of reading. Even though I love reading and I'm a reading teacher, when I get out of the habit it can be a struggle to get back into it. I have all these books but none seem that appealing and if I do start one I often quit because many books don't "hook" you until you are through the introduction and I get to be a lazy reader. So....
It is summer, and I have lots of time and I ALWAYS devour books in the summer. I decided I would just start picking up the books I have one by one and reading them. Start to finish, no matter what. I actually started a little early and read a book from my school library that was recommended to me. It was called "Wonder" and I absolutely loved it. I'm going to make Graham read it.
Currently, however, I am reading a book called "Freewill". I am a little more than halfway through and it is a very strange book. I will have to finish it before I can decide if I like it or not, but it definitely has me interested.
Another thing I want to keep track of on this blog is health. This March when I found out just how bad my knee really is and that I should not run anymore, AT ALL, I decided to get really serious about biking again and my health. I lost a whole bunch of weight and it was very satisfying when I went to visit friends and family in Utah and many of them noticed. Then, I got back and school got crazy and stressful and I gained it all back and the whole plan went to hell. So I'm DETERMINED to use this summer to get back into super healthy eating habits and to get my body, particularly my legs, super strong.
The last week of school always has lots of festivities and DRINKING and then we went camping last weekend which consists of smores and DRINKING and I just wanted to enjoy myself so I decided to start my healthy eating today, the first Monday of summer break. I've also decided no beer for two weeks which is no easy task because I LOVE beer.
So, today, day one, I've done a good job of eating appropriately and though I didn't do an official "workout" I still got plenty of exercise biking, walking, dancing, and playing with my kiddos outside today. That is my health's one saving grace, that I am a naturally active person despite my food addiction. If I wasn't I would probably be obese.
Finally, I just want to document the fun and relaxation this summer. Today was a great start. It was a joy watching Mimi in her Do Jump class which is an acrobatics/trapeze class. Mimi also had her first hip-hop class today and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much as I watched it.
The kids and I went for a bike ride today as well as playing at Laurelhurst playground and taking a little hike through the park and around the duck pond. I also got a lot of cleaning and laundry done today. I wanted to get it out of the way so I can just enjoy the rest of the week. That is one of the many wonderful things about summer, I have time to keep the house clean on a daily basis so it never gets out of hand after I clean it the first time at the beginning of the summer.
So, there it is, post #1 for the summer. I'm excited to document the next ten weeks and all the lovely adventures I hope to have.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Roots
I went back to my home town this weekend; good old Salt Lake City. It has been a very long time since I visited alone, without one of more members of my immediate family. I was excited to go on my own for many reasons. The everyday life of being a working mom has been particularly stressful lately, mostly because work has been more stressful than usual so I'm burned out with little energy to spare at home which makes all the at home issues feel more difficult. So, the idea of getting away from all of it, my work, my kids, my messy house, making dinner, and all the other routines of my life was exciting. Truly escaping, you know? Not to mention that being there without my family gave me a little more freedom in seeing my friends and doing the things I wanted to do when I wanted to do them.
I rented a car and had my own hotel room, so a lot of freedom and privacy and independence. Though I was definitely busy some of the time and had a lot of people to see, I also had some free time, by myself. The deep thinking always occurs when I'm alone with no pressing obligations and I can't remember the last time my mind was free enough to ponder and muse, not bogged down with what I have to do or where I have to be or with, "What the hell is that kid thinking?" which could be referring to my own children or my students. So, my mind was eager to wander to the past, incited by nearly every place I drove by and by the songs on the radio which in Salt Lake tend to be the same music I listened to growing up as a kid and teen.
Driving by a strip mall that once contained a pizza place that one of my old friends used to work at spurred various and intense memories. Getting lost in the suburbs reminded me of driving around and purposely trying to get lost with Melinda but never being able to do it because back then Utah was a pretty idiot proof place to get around. And of course driving by Trolley Square (I'm not even sure if it is called Trolley Square anymore) and remembering many karaoke nights at the movie theater turned bar that used to be there.
There were many others as well. It seemed every corner I turned there was some place that brought back memories or some song on the radio that did the same. These were memories of the things that shaped me, made me who I am today. Of course remembering is always bittersweet. Not all the memories are totally happy, or sometimes happy memories lead to sad memories such as great loves that led to awful break ups. But those memories are my roots, they ground me to my past and lead me to my life today.
Of course I spent time with old friends and family. Hanging out with Ben and Cammi and Mason and realizing that we are so connected not only in our past, but in our present as well. We can reminisce about old times but we tend to spend more time conversing now about our kids, parenting, our lives as adults. And it is wonderful to see that we fucked up together but all came through it to the other side. Now we can be responsible adults and parents together.
I also spent hours talking to my older sister, one of the most important people in my life and definitely one of my favorite. It has been SO long since we have been able to do that, both being working moms and living in different states, well, it has been years. But here I was without obligations and she took the day off and her daughter was in daycare and we were able to just talk like we used to and it may have been my favorite part of the entire trip. No doubt that she was HUGE in shaping who I am and our roots go deep.
Then there was my cousin, Adam, and his wedding reception. This was the whole reason I took the trip to SLC. Usually when I get invitations to family events during the school year, it is just a formality. Everyone knows as a teacher it is hard to take time off and usually I can't go. But when I received this invitation, from my favorite cousin, thinking about our past and how close we once were, how much time we spent together, I decided it was worth it to use my personal days and to go to the reception.
He and I aren't in close contact anymore. I think the last time I saw him was three years ago and before that it had been a really, really long time. I realized that made me sad. We get so caught up in our adult lives, so busy and consumed, that we forget to nurture those relationships from the past that shaped us and have the potential to continue shaping us as we continue to grow.
The only aunt or uncle from my mom's side that I was ever really close to was his mom, Eli. When we were kids she took care of my sister and I a lot and my mom also took care of Adam and his brother, Ryan a lot. So obviously, we spent a lot of time together. Adam and I are only two years apart and we always got along really well. I remember his Star Wars birthday and he was dressed as Luke and my mom did those Princess Leia twirly things in my hair. I remember his pet tortoise and playing with it. I remember he and I tormenting his little brother.
I also remember later in life, when we were both teens, reconnecting after not having seen each other much. We were both going through a lot of the same stuff and it was so easy, like time had never passed. We just connected and it was effortless to talk to one another. At the wedding he told me that my sister and I shaped him, that he looked up to us. I never really thought of myself as being someone he would look up to. But regardless, it was nice to hear, and the truth is he is a part of my roots and shaped me as well. I hope I start to nurture that relationship a little more.
I didn't get to see one of my other best friends, Seth. He had just had major surgery and it just ended up being bad timing. On Saturday afternoon I had some free time and went hiking up the trail behind Red Butte Gardens. It was beautiful and sunny and my brain was oscillating between thoughts of our past and present. Seth and I have spent a lot of time hiking together and have hiked the very trail I was on more than once. My relationship with him has been a major influence on my life and had a huge role in shaping me. Again, our roots go deep.
So, all in all it was a good break. I don't know if I would call the trip relaxing; it was busy at times and when it wasn't my mind was busy. A busy mind for me is always tied to an emotional heart, and as my mind raced through these thoughts my heart feeling, feeling things whether happy or sad or a little of both, was palpable. It was as if I could physically feel my heart swelling with emotion.
Anyway, it is good to get back to SLC sometimes and be close to my past. It helps remind me to nourish my future with the people and experiences that shaped me. It reminds just what my roots are made of.
I rented a car and had my own hotel room, so a lot of freedom and privacy and independence. Though I was definitely busy some of the time and had a lot of people to see, I also had some free time, by myself. The deep thinking always occurs when I'm alone with no pressing obligations and I can't remember the last time my mind was free enough to ponder and muse, not bogged down with what I have to do or where I have to be or with, "What the hell is that kid thinking?" which could be referring to my own children or my students. So, my mind was eager to wander to the past, incited by nearly every place I drove by and by the songs on the radio which in Salt Lake tend to be the same music I listened to growing up as a kid and teen.
Driving by a strip mall that once contained a pizza place that one of my old friends used to work at spurred various and intense memories. Getting lost in the suburbs reminded me of driving around and purposely trying to get lost with Melinda but never being able to do it because back then Utah was a pretty idiot proof place to get around. And of course driving by Trolley Square (I'm not even sure if it is called Trolley Square anymore) and remembering many karaoke nights at the movie theater turned bar that used to be there.
There were many others as well. It seemed every corner I turned there was some place that brought back memories or some song on the radio that did the same. These were memories of the things that shaped me, made me who I am today. Of course remembering is always bittersweet. Not all the memories are totally happy, or sometimes happy memories lead to sad memories such as great loves that led to awful break ups. But those memories are my roots, they ground me to my past and lead me to my life today.
Of course I spent time with old friends and family. Hanging out with Ben and Cammi and Mason and realizing that we are so connected not only in our past, but in our present as well. We can reminisce about old times but we tend to spend more time conversing now about our kids, parenting, our lives as adults. And it is wonderful to see that we fucked up together but all came through it to the other side. Now we can be responsible adults and parents together.
I also spent hours talking to my older sister, one of the most important people in my life and definitely one of my favorite. It has been SO long since we have been able to do that, both being working moms and living in different states, well, it has been years. But here I was without obligations and she took the day off and her daughter was in daycare and we were able to just talk like we used to and it may have been my favorite part of the entire trip. No doubt that she was HUGE in shaping who I am and our roots go deep.
Then there was my cousin, Adam, and his wedding reception. This was the whole reason I took the trip to SLC. Usually when I get invitations to family events during the school year, it is just a formality. Everyone knows as a teacher it is hard to take time off and usually I can't go. But when I received this invitation, from my favorite cousin, thinking about our past and how close we once were, how much time we spent together, I decided it was worth it to use my personal days and to go to the reception.
He and I aren't in close contact anymore. I think the last time I saw him was three years ago and before that it had been a really, really long time. I realized that made me sad. We get so caught up in our adult lives, so busy and consumed, that we forget to nurture those relationships from the past that shaped us and have the potential to continue shaping us as we continue to grow.
The only aunt or uncle from my mom's side that I was ever really close to was his mom, Eli. When we were kids she took care of my sister and I a lot and my mom also took care of Adam and his brother, Ryan a lot. So obviously, we spent a lot of time together. Adam and I are only two years apart and we always got along really well. I remember his Star Wars birthday and he was dressed as Luke and my mom did those Princess Leia twirly things in my hair. I remember his pet tortoise and playing with it. I remember he and I tormenting his little brother.
I also remember later in life, when we were both teens, reconnecting after not having seen each other much. We were both going through a lot of the same stuff and it was so easy, like time had never passed. We just connected and it was effortless to talk to one another. At the wedding he told me that my sister and I shaped him, that he looked up to us. I never really thought of myself as being someone he would look up to. But regardless, it was nice to hear, and the truth is he is a part of my roots and shaped me as well. I hope I start to nurture that relationship a little more.
I didn't get to see one of my other best friends, Seth. He had just had major surgery and it just ended up being bad timing. On Saturday afternoon I had some free time and went hiking up the trail behind Red Butte Gardens. It was beautiful and sunny and my brain was oscillating between thoughts of our past and present. Seth and I have spent a lot of time hiking together and have hiked the very trail I was on more than once. My relationship with him has been a major influence on my life and had a huge role in shaping me. Again, our roots go deep.
So, all in all it was a good break. I don't know if I would call the trip relaxing; it was busy at times and when it wasn't my mind was busy. A busy mind for me is always tied to an emotional heart, and as my mind raced through these thoughts my heart feeling, feeling things whether happy or sad or a little of both, was palpable. It was as if I could physically feel my heart swelling with emotion.
Anyway, it is good to get back to SLC sometimes and be close to my past. It helps remind me to nourish my future with the people and experiences that shaped me. It reminds just what my roots are made of.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Parenting Books
I'm not a big fan of parenting books. The thing is, as you are reading all the things you should do you are thinking, "Oops, I haven't been doing that," and as you are reading all the things you shouldn't do you are thinking, "Oh no, I do that all the time," and when you stop reading your mind is flooded with thoughts of, "Oh shit! I'm a horrible parent! I'm totally ruining my kids!"
Parenting books just make you feel like a failure as a parent.
Maybe there is some value in reading them when you are pregnant for the first time, or when your first child is still a little baby. You might get some ideas on how to approach things ahead of time or feel a little more confident going into the unknown territory of parenting. But even then it can be overwhelming, logging all these things in your brain you are supposed to do and not do, how you are supposed to do them, all while dealing with the everyday stresses of pregnancy or having an infant. So many things are already set firmly inside us: our habits, our personalities, our "way" of being. Reading a parenting book might give you one or two ideas that you truly implement as you begin parenting, but no way is reading the book going to instigate you to completely change your way of being, even if your "way" has some imperfections when it comes to parenting.
But as I said, there is an argument for checking out some of those books in the beginning of your journey as a parent. However, reading a parenting book once your kid is actually in school, or when you're having a second kid. Why? According to the books all the "right" and "wrong" ways of parenting need to be instilled early and consistently. So, if I have been doing it wrong with my child for 8 years already, telling me now isn't going to do me a lot of good. In fact, it's just going to make me feel horrible and guilty for messing up my kid. And, believe me, anything that I should do differently with my second, I will have already learned with my first without reading a parenting book.
The other truth is, I've never read anything in a parenting book I didn't know. I know lots of sugar is bad for my kids. I know that it is important that my kids get enough sleep. I know what I do is much more important than what I say because children learn from what is modeled to them, not what they are told. And, of course, I know we shouldn't yell in anger.
Knowing things and doing them are two very different actions. So often, when I am reading some parenting advice I'm thinking, "I know! But how? How do I not completely lose my shit and blow my top when my toddler is screaming for me to take off her shoes but when I start to take them off she screams that SHE wants to take them off so then I stop and she screams for me to take them off again and when I do she screams at me that she didn't want them off all while my 8 year old is whining about how his little sister's screaming is hurting his ears and he is hungry and when am I going to make him lunch while absent mindedly doodling on the new table with a pen!?!?"
Even when the newest, latest parenting book comes along, I still rarely find any new gems of knowledge. You know the book I'm talking about, the one that is completely changing the way we look at parenting and invalidating all that we thought was true of parenting before. Yeah well, no it's not. The book is either full of theories that are already out there just packaged differently or it's a very old theory that has almost been forgotten about come back to re-enlighten us.
So yeah, you can keep your parenting books. All they have ever given me is sorrow, remorse, guilt, and anger. I realize the idea is that you read about the best ways to parent and use the ideas to make changes in your own parenting, that reading the book isn't supposed to make you feel horrible, it is supposed to help you evolve as a parent. But, I'm quite aware of all that I'm doing wrong and constantly working on getting better. I remind myself every day of what I should and shouldn't have done with my kids. I work on myself because that is where the "how" comes in. Nothing those books tell me I don't know, it's the application of those parenting behaviors that is hard and the only way to work on that is by working on yourself. Things like anger management, eating and exercise habits, speaking appropriately (no swearing), etc. The places I mess up as a parent are the places I mess up as a person and no parenting book is going to help me with that.
So, rather than wasting time reading a book that will deplete my self-esteem especially when it comes to the identity of "mother", I will actually work on breathing techniques, not yelling, not swearing, finding ways to get exercise including WITH the children, cooking and eating healthy meals, and just trying to be the best person I can be.
In the end, I really believe there are a lot more good parents than bad. Every single human could go to therapy, talk about their problems, and discover that the origin for many of their problems is the way they were raised or something their parents did. This isn't because every parent is bad; this is because every parent is HUMAN and humans are imperfect. Most humans that become parents love their children unconditionally and everything they do is in the pursuit of helping their children. The fact that they make mistakes in that pursuit and in some instances don't help their children is just part of life and being human.
The difference between the good parent and the bad parent is not in their actions, but in their reflections and efforts. The good parent is the parent that will take the time to read the parenting book and feel guilty that they are not a good enough parent. The bad parent already thinks they are doing everything perfectly. The good parent will constantly be reflecting on how they handled certain situations with their children and if it turned out well, how it could have turned out better, and what they would do differently next time. The bad parent doesn't reflect at all. The good parent really watches their temper and goes three days without yelling and then loses it on the fourth day and totally screams at their children and then feels horrible, apologizes, and begins again. The bad parent yells and feels totally justified in doing so.
You get my drift. And please understand, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with parenting books. There are stronger, more disciplined people than I that read parenting books and do not spiral into a void of self-depreciation and actually apply what they read and make lasting changes in their parenting. I have the utmost respect (and a little envy) for those parents. I'm just not one of them. So I will continue to avoid parenting books at all cost as I strive to be a better parent every day.
I'm not a big fan of parenting books. The thing is, as you are reading all the things you should do you are thinking, "Oops, I haven't been doing that," and as you are reading all the things you shouldn't do you are thinking, "Oh no, I do that all the time," and when you stop reading your mind is flooded with thoughts of, "Oh shit! I'm a horrible parent! I'm totally ruining my kids!"
Parenting books just make you feel like a failure as a parent.
Maybe there is some value in reading them when you are pregnant for the first time, or when your first child is still a little baby. You might get some ideas on how to approach things ahead of time or feel a little more confident going into the unknown territory of parenting. But even then it can be overwhelming, logging all these things in your brain you are supposed to do and not do, how you are supposed to do them, all while dealing with the everyday stresses of pregnancy or having an infant. So many things are already set firmly inside us: our habits, our personalities, our "way" of being. Reading a parenting book might give you one or two ideas that you truly implement as you begin parenting, but no way is reading the book going to instigate you to completely change your way of being, even if your "way" has some imperfections when it comes to parenting.
But as I said, there is an argument for checking out some of those books in the beginning of your journey as a parent. However, reading a parenting book once your kid is actually in school, or when you're having a second kid. Why? According to the books all the "right" and "wrong" ways of parenting need to be instilled early and consistently. So, if I have been doing it wrong with my child for 8 years already, telling me now isn't going to do me a lot of good. In fact, it's just going to make me feel horrible and guilty for messing up my kid. And, believe me, anything that I should do differently with my second, I will have already learned with my first without reading a parenting book.
The other truth is, I've never read anything in a parenting book I didn't know. I know lots of sugar is bad for my kids. I know that it is important that my kids get enough sleep. I know what I do is much more important than what I say because children learn from what is modeled to them, not what they are told. And, of course, I know we shouldn't yell in anger.
Knowing things and doing them are two very different actions. So often, when I am reading some parenting advice I'm thinking, "I know! But how? How do I not completely lose my shit and blow my top when my toddler is screaming for me to take off her shoes but when I start to take them off she screams that SHE wants to take them off so then I stop and she screams for me to take them off again and when I do she screams at me that she didn't want them off all while my 8 year old is whining about how his little sister's screaming is hurting his ears and he is hungry and when am I going to make him lunch while absent mindedly doodling on the new table with a pen!?!?"
Even when the newest, latest parenting book comes along, I still rarely find any new gems of knowledge. You know the book I'm talking about, the one that is completely changing the way we look at parenting and invalidating all that we thought was true of parenting before. Yeah well, no it's not. The book is either full of theories that are already out there just packaged differently or it's a very old theory that has almost been forgotten about come back to re-enlighten us.
So yeah, you can keep your parenting books. All they have ever given me is sorrow, remorse, guilt, and anger. I realize the idea is that you read about the best ways to parent and use the ideas to make changes in your own parenting, that reading the book isn't supposed to make you feel horrible, it is supposed to help you evolve as a parent. But, I'm quite aware of all that I'm doing wrong and constantly working on getting better. I remind myself every day of what I should and shouldn't have done with my kids. I work on myself because that is where the "how" comes in. Nothing those books tell me I don't know, it's the application of those parenting behaviors that is hard and the only way to work on that is by working on yourself. Things like anger management, eating and exercise habits, speaking appropriately (no swearing), etc. The places I mess up as a parent are the places I mess up as a person and no parenting book is going to help me with that.
So, rather than wasting time reading a book that will deplete my self-esteem especially when it comes to the identity of "mother", I will actually work on breathing techniques, not yelling, not swearing, finding ways to get exercise including WITH the children, cooking and eating healthy meals, and just trying to be the best person I can be.
In the end, I really believe there are a lot more good parents than bad. Every single human could go to therapy, talk about their problems, and discover that the origin for many of their problems is the way they were raised or something their parents did. This isn't because every parent is bad; this is because every parent is HUMAN and humans are imperfect. Most humans that become parents love their children unconditionally and everything they do is in the pursuit of helping their children. The fact that they make mistakes in that pursuit and in some instances don't help their children is just part of life and being human.
The difference between the good parent and the bad parent is not in their actions, but in their reflections and efforts. The good parent is the parent that will take the time to read the parenting book and feel guilty that they are not a good enough parent. The bad parent already thinks they are doing everything perfectly. The good parent will constantly be reflecting on how they handled certain situations with their children and if it turned out well, how it could have turned out better, and what they would do differently next time. The bad parent doesn't reflect at all. The good parent really watches their temper and goes three days without yelling and then loses it on the fourth day and totally screams at their children and then feels horrible, apologizes, and begins again. The bad parent yells and feels totally justified in doing so.
You get my drift. And please understand, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with parenting books. There are stronger, more disciplined people than I that read parenting books and do not spiral into a void of self-depreciation and actually apply what they read and make lasting changes in their parenting. I have the utmost respect (and a little envy) for those parents. I'm just not one of them. So I will continue to avoid parenting books at all cost as I strive to be a better parent every day.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Thank you boys! Thank you
Remember the days when teachers and students could have close, almost familial relationships? Kids stayed after school to get help from the teacher, teacher's would see a student walking home and give them a ride? Well, I don't necessarily really remember that myself, but I sure have read about it in a lot of books or seen it on 50's tv shows. But seriously, I did have a teacher that lived down the street from me and I would walk to her house and hang out with her. The point is that times have changed.
In the past teachers were seen as a personal connection, sometimes almost like part of the family. Then those that abused their trusted reputation ruined it for the rest of us. Now it is inappropriate to be alone with your student or give a student a ride. It is unprofessional to get too close to your students. We have over-corrected due to the abhorrent actions of a few.
Don't get me wrong, I know that truly bad things do and have happened as a result of the power imbalance between teacher and student and the implicit trust that used to be directed at teachers. I know it is real. But there are so many dangers in life, and we shouldn't suck out all the goodness and faith in humanity to protect us from the bad. Kids will fall out of trees and break their legs, but we shouldn't stop letting kids climb trees.
I had a group of students this year that I bonded with on a level that I never have before. I seriously love them so much, like I do my own children. I mean, obviously not as much as my own children, but in the same way. I would seriously do almost anything for these kids, as long as it did not impede on my own family.
I miss them this summer. I miss hanging out with them. Just as I truly enjoy hanging out with my own kids, I loved hanging out with these kids. I would love to be able to take them hiking or give them some summer work painting the trim on my house. But just my saying these things is "unprofessional" and "inappropriate".
My son became really close with his first grade teacher and he hangs out with her sometimes. She will take him to the arcade and ice cream or they will go to a play together. I'm his mom and I have no problem with that; I think it is wonderful. Yet I know that even if I had a parent's permission to hang out with a student, it would still be frowned upon. It's not safe. What if someone decided to make a false accusation or got the wrong idea? It is SO insane.
Maybe it is different because I am a middle school teacher. Maybe it is considered different at the elementary age. And, it probably doesn't help my case that this small group of students I became so close to are all boys. But, it is who I am; I've always related with boys better.
Regardless, it is a bummer that I am not allowed, at least in terms of the agreed upon mores, to have a more personal relationship with my students outside of school. Kids all over have adult family friends whom they are close to and spend time with. Why as a teacher can we no longer be one of those family friends?
I got particularly close to one family and I did give their son rides from track practice for a few weeks. Yes, I broke the unspoken rule of being in a car alone with a student. But I had the parent's permission and was doing it because otherwise the boy could not have done track, and that kid needed track. I know they trust me. I know in a way I have become a family friend. Professionally, however, I would be doing something wrong if I pursued that family friendship.
I really, really miss those kids. In a lot of ways I am not like other people. I just don't fit in to a lot of the molds of adulthood. Those adolescents complete me and my happiness in a way nothing else could because nothing else in life fits into my wacky puzzle. I know I will never be able to hang out with them outside of school. Since the year is over, I probably won't hang out with them again at all. Every year those I bonded with so deeply in 7th grade fade away into the abyss of 8th grade. But I guess my one consolation is that there will be a new batch next year and there will be some gems in that group I bond with as well until that year comes to an end.
In a lot of ways it was a really, really tough school year. But those boys just lightened my days and lifted my spirit. I am so thankful to have spent the time I did with those kids. The last day of school was, literally, when of the best days of my life. I played basketball with the boys for about 2.5 hours and then hung out with, just them, for the last half hour of the day in my room. I feel so lucky to get to experience those kinds of moments. People that don't like or understand or work with adolescents will never get it or experience it and it is pretty special that I am one of the few that does. Thank you boys! That you for the joy you brought me this year.
In the past teachers were seen as a personal connection, sometimes almost like part of the family. Then those that abused their trusted reputation ruined it for the rest of us. Now it is inappropriate to be alone with your student or give a student a ride. It is unprofessional to get too close to your students. We have over-corrected due to the abhorrent actions of a few.
Don't get me wrong, I know that truly bad things do and have happened as a result of the power imbalance between teacher and student and the implicit trust that used to be directed at teachers. I know it is real. But there are so many dangers in life, and we shouldn't suck out all the goodness and faith in humanity to protect us from the bad. Kids will fall out of trees and break their legs, but we shouldn't stop letting kids climb trees.
I had a group of students this year that I bonded with on a level that I never have before. I seriously love them so much, like I do my own children. I mean, obviously not as much as my own children, but in the same way. I would seriously do almost anything for these kids, as long as it did not impede on my own family.
I miss them this summer. I miss hanging out with them. Just as I truly enjoy hanging out with my own kids, I loved hanging out with these kids. I would love to be able to take them hiking or give them some summer work painting the trim on my house. But just my saying these things is "unprofessional" and "inappropriate".
My son became really close with his first grade teacher and he hangs out with her sometimes. She will take him to the arcade and ice cream or they will go to a play together. I'm his mom and I have no problem with that; I think it is wonderful. Yet I know that even if I had a parent's permission to hang out with a student, it would still be frowned upon. It's not safe. What if someone decided to make a false accusation or got the wrong idea? It is SO insane.
Maybe it is different because I am a middle school teacher. Maybe it is considered different at the elementary age. And, it probably doesn't help my case that this small group of students I became so close to are all boys. But, it is who I am; I've always related with boys better.
Regardless, it is a bummer that I am not allowed, at least in terms of the agreed upon mores, to have a more personal relationship with my students outside of school. Kids all over have adult family friends whom they are close to and spend time with. Why as a teacher can we no longer be one of those family friends?
I got particularly close to one family and I did give their son rides from track practice for a few weeks. Yes, I broke the unspoken rule of being in a car alone with a student. But I had the parent's permission and was doing it because otherwise the boy could not have done track, and that kid needed track. I know they trust me. I know in a way I have become a family friend. Professionally, however, I would be doing something wrong if I pursued that family friendship.
I really, really miss those kids. In a lot of ways I am not like other people. I just don't fit in to a lot of the molds of adulthood. Those adolescents complete me and my happiness in a way nothing else could because nothing else in life fits into my wacky puzzle. I know I will never be able to hang out with them outside of school. Since the year is over, I probably won't hang out with them again at all. Every year those I bonded with so deeply in 7th grade fade away into the abyss of 8th grade. But I guess my one consolation is that there will be a new batch next year and there will be some gems in that group I bond with as well until that year comes to an end.
In a lot of ways it was a really, really tough school year. But those boys just lightened my days and lifted my spirit. I am so thankful to have spent the time I did with those kids. The last day of school was, literally, when of the best days of my life. I played basketball with the boys for about 2.5 hours and then hung out with, just them, for the last half hour of the day in my room. I feel so lucky to get to experience those kinds of moments. People that don't like or understand or work with adolescents will never get it or experience it and it is pretty special that I am one of the few that does. Thank you boys! That you for the joy you brought me this year.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
It's been a long time
It has been a long time since I have made any additions to this blog. This is because I haven't been in a traumatic state of self-pitying and self-identity analysis since the beginning of last spring. Also, I've been really busy since school started.
I find it funny that the only time I am motivated to write is when I am going through some dramatic emotional upheaval and therefore feel the need to spew all my self analysis out on the computer for the world to see. I'll be thinking of something, usually something about my roller coaster life and my latest epiphany, and I can't wait to get in front of a computer so I can write it all down. Yet, when I am in a content phase of life and I have an idea in my head about an interesting topic that I actually have time to write about, something else is always more alluring. I say I enjoy writing and that I want to do it, yet I never take the time to write in any sort of productive way; I only write for therapy.
So, I was just catching up on my blog reading. There are really only two blogs I follow but I hadn't read either for a long time, so there was a lot of reading to do. Reading my friends' blogs caused me to want to check out my own blog which I haven't checked since the beginning of the summer. As I was reading my entries, I was particularly aware of my own writing. I was trying to determine in my head if my writing is *good* and very worried that it isn't. I wasn't so concerned with my ideas; I'm convinced the things I have to say are interesting, or at least interesting enough. Instead, I was analyzing my sentence fluency and structures and my vocabulary and feeling incredibly insecure that is wasn't *good enough*. Whatever that means.
Why? Well, it all stems back to a BIG fight Kyle and I had a little while ago. It has been a LONG time since Kyle and I had a really big blow out; we just don't do it anymore. And, as often happens when Kyle and I have a big fight, Kyle veered off the topic at hand and began focusing on insulting me purely for the purpose of hurting me. That's how Kyle fights.
Please understand, I'm now outing Kyle here or venting or even saying anything bad about him. We all fight dirty in one way or another. It's the nature of fighting. Insults just happens to be Kyle's technique which is no better or worse than anyone else's technique. And to be fair, when I saw he was really going to get down and dirty, I fought fire with fire and definitely said some things for the sole purpose of hurting him in his most sensitve areas so, you know, all's fair in love and war.
During this particular fight, Kyle was digging deep into his repertoire of insults, really focusing on my various achilles heels, and one of the insults he made is that I think I am a good writer but that actually I am a shitty writer. He even specifically referenced my blog as evidence to my shitty writing. Now, this wasn't totally out of the blue because the fight did start because I inadvertently insulted Kyle while trying to use a conversation about the book Kyle was reading to Graham as a teachable moment. I was asking Graham to use some comprehension strategy and Kyle answered the question instead of Graham. I asked Kyle to back up his answer with evidence, again in trying to model for Graham that good readers have evidence to back up there claims, and Kyle's answer was exactly the kind of answer I would tell one of my students is a cop-out. I blurted this out because it popped into my head and I was still in teacher mode, but of course it pissed Kyle off because I was basically insulting him for his answer. So, eventually this led to him saying I am a shitty reader and citing the many questions I ask about a book I'm reading that he has already read. See? Achilles heel. I mean, my god, I'm a reading teacher.
So, you can see how this naturally led to my poor writing skills which would, of course, accompany my poor reading skills.
The next day, after we had made up, Kyle apologized and admitted that he didn't really mean all the things he said and was only trying to hurt me. Particularly, he knows I am not a bad reader and that I think about reading in a different way since I teach reading comprehension to teenagers. But he definitely didn't reference the writing specifically when *taking back* what he said. And I know that the things I said to hurt him, though exaggerated, had some truth in them. So, I haven't been able to totally let go of this idea that I'm a bad writer. In the end I know it really doesn't matter. Opinions of writing are subjective and it's not like I'm trying to get published or anything or that I need to impress Kyle. When I need to write for a real purpose I get the job done and I do it well enough. But I just thought my recent paranoia in relation to the quality of my writing would be something interesting to write about, ironically. And it did get me to do some writing, even though I'm not in a state of manic-depressive life overhaul right now.
I find it funny that the only time I am motivated to write is when I am going through some dramatic emotional upheaval and therefore feel the need to spew all my self analysis out on the computer for the world to see. I'll be thinking of something, usually something about my roller coaster life and my latest epiphany, and I can't wait to get in front of a computer so I can write it all down. Yet, when I am in a content phase of life and I have an idea in my head about an interesting topic that I actually have time to write about, something else is always more alluring. I say I enjoy writing and that I want to do it, yet I never take the time to write in any sort of productive way; I only write for therapy.
So, I was just catching up on my blog reading. There are really only two blogs I follow but I hadn't read either for a long time, so there was a lot of reading to do. Reading my friends' blogs caused me to want to check out my own blog which I haven't checked since the beginning of the summer. As I was reading my entries, I was particularly aware of my own writing. I was trying to determine in my head if my writing is *good* and very worried that it isn't. I wasn't so concerned with my ideas; I'm convinced the things I have to say are interesting, or at least interesting enough. Instead, I was analyzing my sentence fluency and structures and my vocabulary and feeling incredibly insecure that is wasn't *good enough*. Whatever that means.
Why? Well, it all stems back to a BIG fight Kyle and I had a little while ago. It has been a LONG time since Kyle and I had a really big blow out; we just don't do it anymore. And, as often happens when Kyle and I have a big fight, Kyle veered off the topic at hand and began focusing on insulting me purely for the purpose of hurting me. That's how Kyle fights.
Please understand, I'm now outing Kyle here or venting or even saying anything bad about him. We all fight dirty in one way or another. It's the nature of fighting. Insults just happens to be Kyle's technique which is no better or worse than anyone else's technique. And to be fair, when I saw he was really going to get down and dirty, I fought fire with fire and definitely said some things for the sole purpose of hurting him in his most sensitve areas so, you know, all's fair in love and war.
During this particular fight, Kyle was digging deep into his repertoire of insults, really focusing on my various achilles heels, and one of the insults he made is that I think I am a good writer but that actually I am a shitty writer. He even specifically referenced my blog as evidence to my shitty writing. Now, this wasn't totally out of the blue because the fight did start because I inadvertently insulted Kyle while trying to use a conversation about the book Kyle was reading to Graham as a teachable moment. I was asking Graham to use some comprehension strategy and Kyle answered the question instead of Graham. I asked Kyle to back up his answer with evidence, again in trying to model for Graham that good readers have evidence to back up there claims, and Kyle's answer was exactly the kind of answer I would tell one of my students is a cop-out. I blurted this out because it popped into my head and I was still in teacher mode, but of course it pissed Kyle off because I was basically insulting him for his answer. So, eventually this led to him saying I am a shitty reader and citing the many questions I ask about a book I'm reading that he has already read. See? Achilles heel. I mean, my god, I'm a reading teacher.
So, you can see how this naturally led to my poor writing skills which would, of course, accompany my poor reading skills.
The next day, after we had made up, Kyle apologized and admitted that he didn't really mean all the things he said and was only trying to hurt me. Particularly, he knows I am not a bad reader and that I think about reading in a different way since I teach reading comprehension to teenagers. But he definitely didn't reference the writing specifically when *taking back* what he said. And I know that the things I said to hurt him, though exaggerated, had some truth in them. So, I haven't been able to totally let go of this idea that I'm a bad writer. In the end I know it really doesn't matter. Opinions of writing are subjective and it's not like I'm trying to get published or anything or that I need to impress Kyle. When I need to write for a real purpose I get the job done and I do it well enough. But I just thought my recent paranoia in relation to the quality of my writing would be something interesting to write about, ironically. And it did get me to do some writing, even though I'm not in a state of manic-depressive life overhaul right now.
Monday, June 6, 2011
I'm Happy
I think this is the happiest I have been in a long time, and it was a LONG time coming. It feels fantastic!
I'm not saying that I don't still have those moment to moment, day to day ups and downs. I mean, duh, I'm bi-polar and life is crazy. Overall, however, I am ecstatic with the joys of life.
My happiness is probabaly a combination of a lot of things. The sun shining more and the fnal arrival of Spring definitely plays it's part. Also, I've really been putting effort into my health, eating right, lots and lots and lots of exercise, and it makes me feel SO much better. Plus, back to the weather, I prefer getting my exercise outdoors and now I can.
Speaking of that, hiking more, going to the park, being outside, I guess that all is a given with the sun but it enlivens my soul. Not sure if "enliven" is a word but, who cares, it's my word. And Amelia...Amelia, Amelia, Amelia...she is the child I imagined having long before I had children. Of course, I imagined her a boy, but she is perfect the way she is. She is me but so much better. How lucky I am to have the child I always wanted and Graham, the complete surprise, so unlike anything I ever imagined. The child I never realized I always wanted until I had him.
This is a very disjointed blog but, back to Amelia. Her amazing love and connection with nature could not make me happier. Our nature girl hearts connect us in such a special way. This weekend she and I went outside early in the morning and I sat on the patio drinking coffee and reading while she watered the plants and dug for worms and then sat staring and staring at all the creepy crawlers she uncovered. She is going to study bugs some day or something like that. What is a bug scientist called? I think that is what she is going to be. She and I are so content being outside.
But I SO digress. Happiness...another reason I am happy is I finally pulled my bike out and have been riding it a lot. Well, not a lot compared to my pre-child days, but a lot compared to the last few years. Biking makes me SO happy. I put on the trailer and Mimi loves to ride back there around the neighborhood or to the store. We also bought her one of those bikes without pedals...I forget what they are called. A little pink one. She is going to LOVE it.
Most of all, though, I think my new happiness is a result of acceptance and change. I've always loved the Serenity Prayer...basically I feel like it says that you should look at yourself and the world, admit your faults or weaknesses to yourself as well as the faults of the world, assess which you can work on or change and begin that, and accept the things that you cannot change.Messessentialism...a word a character in a book made up. Reveling in the messiness that is life. Life is messy; you have to accept it, control what you can, and move on.
I went through some big internal changes this year. I analyzed myself and life extensively and was able to uncover some things for which I have been making excuses for a long time. I decided to buck up and tackle them. I also finally made peace with some things that I cannot change.
So, I guess I feel good that I can really own a lot of my happiness. Some of the components are things I don't control, such as the weather, but most of the components of my happiness were things I made happen. That kind of happiness, the kind you work for, is the best kind. And believe me, not only is making changes hard work, but also finding the inner courage to accept and make peace with yourself and your world.
So yeah, I'm really happy and I OWN my happiness.
I'm not saying that I don't still have those moment to moment, day to day ups and downs. I mean, duh, I'm bi-polar and life is crazy. Overall, however, I am ecstatic with the joys of life.
My happiness is probabaly a combination of a lot of things. The sun shining more and the fnal arrival of Spring definitely plays it's part. Also, I've really been putting effort into my health, eating right, lots and lots and lots of exercise, and it makes me feel SO much better. Plus, back to the weather, I prefer getting my exercise outdoors and now I can.
Speaking of that, hiking more, going to the park, being outside, I guess that all is a given with the sun but it enlivens my soul. Not sure if "enliven" is a word but, who cares, it's my word. And Amelia...Amelia, Amelia, Amelia...she is the child I imagined having long before I had children. Of course, I imagined her a boy, but she is perfect the way she is. She is me but so much better. How lucky I am to have the child I always wanted and Graham, the complete surprise, so unlike anything I ever imagined. The child I never realized I always wanted until I had him.
This is a very disjointed blog but, back to Amelia. Her amazing love and connection with nature could not make me happier. Our nature girl hearts connect us in such a special way. This weekend she and I went outside early in the morning and I sat on the patio drinking coffee and reading while she watered the plants and dug for worms and then sat staring and staring at all the creepy crawlers she uncovered. She is going to study bugs some day or something like that. What is a bug scientist called? I think that is what she is going to be. She and I are so content being outside.
But I SO digress. Happiness...another reason I am happy is I finally pulled my bike out and have been riding it a lot. Well, not a lot compared to my pre-child days, but a lot compared to the last few years. Biking makes me SO happy. I put on the trailer and Mimi loves to ride back there around the neighborhood or to the store. We also bought her one of those bikes without pedals...I forget what they are called. A little pink one. She is going to LOVE it.
Most of all, though, I think my new happiness is a result of acceptance and change. I've always loved the Serenity Prayer...basically I feel like it says that you should look at yourself and the world, admit your faults or weaknesses to yourself as well as the faults of the world, assess which you can work on or change and begin that, and accept the things that you cannot change.Messessentialism...a word a character in a book made up. Reveling in the messiness that is life. Life is messy; you have to accept it, control what you can, and move on.
I went through some big internal changes this year. I analyzed myself and life extensively and was able to uncover some things for which I have been making excuses for a long time. I decided to buck up and tackle them. I also finally made peace with some things that I cannot change.
So, I guess I feel good that I can really own a lot of my happiness. Some of the components are things I don't control, such as the weather, but most of the components of my happiness were things I made happen. That kind of happiness, the kind you work for, is the best kind. And believe me, not only is making changes hard work, but also finding the inner courage to accept and make peace with yourself and your world.
So yeah, I'm really happy and I OWN my happiness.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Cultural Message that Suffering is Admirable
My sister's birthday was earlier this week. I sent her an e-card and an amazon gift certificate over email. To be fair, we did call her as well because I believe that personal touch is important when someone you care about has a special occasion. But, I felt a little guilty, like I was copping out because I sent things over the computer. You know, that's EASY. And then it hit me:
There is this pressure in society that to truly show someone you care you have to suffer for them. I think the idea that suffering is admirable in this culture started with Christianity. There is definitely an aspect to their philosophy that suffering is noble and enduring suffering helps you get to heaven. I'm not saying that Christianity is the only religion with this notion, but it is the predominating religious influence in our culture that supports that idea.
Now, I have to admit, when it comes to sending gifts, cards, etc. for special occoasions I suck. I mean, I try, and for a few years I was really good at it. Those were the post adolescent (around 25) pre child days. Now that I have two kids I am so busy with my own life that it is truly hard to think outside my self. And frankly, it is hard to get to the post office or UPS store when you work full time and have all these child activities that fill your free time. It's a pain in the ass. But, to give someone a token of my esteem by sending something online, that isn't too hard and the result is the same: they get a gift that shows they were important enough to me to remember their special occasion.
So yeah, I realized my guilt stemmed from a subtle undertone in society that if you didn't suffer, you didn't really mean it. And frankly, that's bullshit. I will try to be better at remembering all important occasions and giving important people in my life some token of esteem, because sometimes I forget. But I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for doing it in ways that keep me from suffering and creating extra stress in my life. I encourage all of you to do the same:)
There is this pressure in society that to truly show someone you care you have to suffer for them. I think the idea that suffering is admirable in this culture started with Christianity. There is definitely an aspect to their philosophy that suffering is noble and enduring suffering helps you get to heaven. I'm not saying that Christianity is the only religion with this notion, but it is the predominating religious influence in our culture that supports that idea.
Now, I have to admit, when it comes to sending gifts, cards, etc. for special occoasions I suck. I mean, I try, and for a few years I was really good at it. Those were the post adolescent (around 25) pre child days. Now that I have two kids I am so busy with my own life that it is truly hard to think outside my self. And frankly, it is hard to get to the post office or UPS store when you work full time and have all these child activities that fill your free time. It's a pain in the ass. But, to give someone a token of my esteem by sending something online, that isn't too hard and the result is the same: they get a gift that shows they were important enough to me to remember their special occasion.
So yeah, I realized my guilt stemmed from a subtle undertone in society that if you didn't suffer, you didn't really mean it. And frankly, that's bullshit. I will try to be better at remembering all important occasions and giving important people in my life some token of esteem, because sometimes I forget. But I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for doing it in ways that keep me from suffering and creating extra stress in my life. I encourage all of you to do the same:)
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