Parenting Books
I'm not a big fan of parenting books. The thing is, as you are reading all the things you should do you are thinking, "Oops, I haven't been doing that," and as you are reading all the things you shouldn't do you are thinking, "Oh no, I do that all the time," and when you stop reading your mind is flooded with thoughts of, "Oh shit! I'm a horrible parent! I'm totally ruining my kids!"
Parenting books just make you feel like a failure as a parent.
Maybe there is some value in reading them when you are pregnant for the first time, or when your first child is still a little baby. You might get some ideas on how to approach things ahead of time or feel a little more confident going into the unknown territory of parenting. But even then it can be overwhelming, logging all these things in your brain you are supposed to do and not do, how you are supposed to do them, all while dealing with the everyday stresses of pregnancy or having an infant. So many things are already set firmly inside us: our habits, our personalities, our "way" of being. Reading a parenting book might give you one or two ideas that you truly implement as you begin parenting, but no way is reading the book going to instigate you to completely change your way of being, even if your "way" has some imperfections when it comes to parenting.
But as I said, there is an argument for checking out some of those books in the beginning of your journey as a parent. However, reading a parenting book once your kid is actually in school, or when you're having a second kid. Why? According to the books all the "right" and "wrong" ways of parenting need to be instilled early and consistently. So, if I have been doing it wrong with my child for 8 years already, telling me now isn't going to do me a lot of good. In fact, it's just going to make me feel horrible and guilty for messing up my kid. And, believe me, anything that I should do differently with my second, I will have already learned with my first without reading a parenting book.
The other truth is, I've never read anything in a parenting book I didn't know. I know lots of sugar is bad for my kids. I know that it is important that my kids get enough sleep. I know what I do is much more important than what I say because children learn from what is modeled to them, not what they are told. And, of course, I know we shouldn't yell in anger.
Knowing things and doing them are two very different actions. So often, when I am reading some parenting advice I'm thinking, "I know! But how? How do I not completely lose my shit and blow my top when my toddler is screaming for me to take off her shoes but when I start to take them off she screams that SHE wants to take them off so then I stop and she screams for me to take them off again and when I do she screams at me that she didn't want them off all while my 8 year old is whining about how his little sister's screaming is hurting his ears and he is hungry and when am I going to make him lunch while absent mindedly doodling on the new table with a pen!?!?"
Even when the newest, latest parenting book comes along, I still rarely find any new gems of knowledge. You know the book I'm talking about, the one that is completely changing the way we look at parenting and invalidating all that we thought was true of parenting before. Yeah well, no it's not. The book is either full of theories that are already out there just packaged differently or it's a very old theory that has almost been forgotten about come back to re-enlighten us.
So yeah, you can keep your parenting books. All they have ever given me is sorrow, remorse, guilt, and anger. I realize the idea is that you read about the best ways to parent and use the ideas to make changes in your own parenting, that reading the book isn't supposed to make you feel horrible, it is supposed to help you evolve as a parent. But, I'm quite aware of all that I'm doing wrong and constantly working on getting better. I remind myself every day of what I should and shouldn't have done with my kids. I work on myself because that is where the "how" comes in. Nothing those books tell me I don't know, it's the application of those parenting behaviors that is hard and the only way to work on that is by working on yourself. Things like anger management, eating and exercise habits, speaking appropriately (no swearing), etc. The places I mess up as a parent are the places I mess up as a person and no parenting book is going to help me with that.
So, rather than wasting time reading a book that will deplete my self-esteem especially when it comes to the identity of "mother", I will actually work on breathing techniques, not yelling, not swearing, finding ways to get exercise including WITH the children, cooking and eating healthy meals, and just trying to be the best person I can be.
In the end, I really believe there are a lot more good parents than bad. Every single human could go to therapy, talk about their problems, and discover that the origin for many of their problems is the way they were raised or something their parents did. This isn't because every parent is bad; this is because every parent is HUMAN and humans are imperfect. Most humans that become parents love their children unconditionally and everything they do is in the pursuit of helping their children. The fact that they make mistakes in that pursuit and in some instances don't help their children is just part of life and being human.
The difference between the good parent and the bad parent is not in their actions, but in their reflections and efforts. The good parent is the parent that will take the time to read the parenting book and feel guilty that they are not a good enough parent. The bad parent already thinks they are doing everything perfectly. The good parent will constantly be reflecting on how they handled certain situations with their children and if it turned out well, how it could have turned out better, and what they would do differently next time. The bad parent doesn't reflect at all. The good parent really watches their temper and goes three days without yelling and then loses it on the fourth day and totally screams at their children and then feels horrible, apologizes, and begins again. The bad parent yells and feels totally justified in doing so.
You get my drift. And please understand, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with parenting books. There are stronger, more disciplined people than I that read parenting books and do not spiral into a void of self-depreciation and actually apply what they read and make lasting changes in their parenting. I have the utmost respect (and a little envy) for those parents. I'm just not one of them. So I will continue to avoid parenting books at all cost as I strive to be a better parent every day.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Thank you boys! Thank you
Remember the days when teachers and students could have close, almost familial relationships? Kids stayed after school to get help from the teacher, teacher's would see a student walking home and give them a ride? Well, I don't necessarily really remember that myself, but I sure have read about it in a lot of books or seen it on 50's tv shows. But seriously, I did have a teacher that lived down the street from me and I would walk to her house and hang out with her. The point is that times have changed.
In the past teachers were seen as a personal connection, sometimes almost like part of the family. Then those that abused their trusted reputation ruined it for the rest of us. Now it is inappropriate to be alone with your student or give a student a ride. It is unprofessional to get too close to your students. We have over-corrected due to the abhorrent actions of a few.
Don't get me wrong, I know that truly bad things do and have happened as a result of the power imbalance between teacher and student and the implicit trust that used to be directed at teachers. I know it is real. But there are so many dangers in life, and we shouldn't suck out all the goodness and faith in humanity to protect us from the bad. Kids will fall out of trees and break their legs, but we shouldn't stop letting kids climb trees.
I had a group of students this year that I bonded with on a level that I never have before. I seriously love them so much, like I do my own children. I mean, obviously not as much as my own children, but in the same way. I would seriously do almost anything for these kids, as long as it did not impede on my own family.
I miss them this summer. I miss hanging out with them. Just as I truly enjoy hanging out with my own kids, I loved hanging out with these kids. I would love to be able to take them hiking or give them some summer work painting the trim on my house. But just my saying these things is "unprofessional" and "inappropriate".
My son became really close with his first grade teacher and he hangs out with her sometimes. She will take him to the arcade and ice cream or they will go to a play together. I'm his mom and I have no problem with that; I think it is wonderful. Yet I know that even if I had a parent's permission to hang out with a student, it would still be frowned upon. It's not safe. What if someone decided to make a false accusation or got the wrong idea? It is SO insane.
Maybe it is different because I am a middle school teacher. Maybe it is considered different at the elementary age. And, it probably doesn't help my case that this small group of students I became so close to are all boys. But, it is who I am; I've always related with boys better.
Regardless, it is a bummer that I am not allowed, at least in terms of the agreed upon mores, to have a more personal relationship with my students outside of school. Kids all over have adult family friends whom they are close to and spend time with. Why as a teacher can we no longer be one of those family friends?
I got particularly close to one family and I did give their son rides from track practice for a few weeks. Yes, I broke the unspoken rule of being in a car alone with a student. But I had the parent's permission and was doing it because otherwise the boy could not have done track, and that kid needed track. I know they trust me. I know in a way I have become a family friend. Professionally, however, I would be doing something wrong if I pursued that family friendship.
I really, really miss those kids. In a lot of ways I am not like other people. I just don't fit in to a lot of the molds of adulthood. Those adolescents complete me and my happiness in a way nothing else could because nothing else in life fits into my wacky puzzle. I know I will never be able to hang out with them outside of school. Since the year is over, I probably won't hang out with them again at all. Every year those I bonded with so deeply in 7th grade fade away into the abyss of 8th grade. But I guess my one consolation is that there will be a new batch next year and there will be some gems in that group I bond with as well until that year comes to an end.
In a lot of ways it was a really, really tough school year. But those boys just lightened my days and lifted my spirit. I am so thankful to have spent the time I did with those kids. The last day of school was, literally, when of the best days of my life. I played basketball with the boys for about 2.5 hours and then hung out with, just them, for the last half hour of the day in my room. I feel so lucky to get to experience those kinds of moments. People that don't like or understand or work with adolescents will never get it or experience it and it is pretty special that I am one of the few that does. Thank you boys! That you for the joy you brought me this year.
In the past teachers were seen as a personal connection, sometimes almost like part of the family. Then those that abused their trusted reputation ruined it for the rest of us. Now it is inappropriate to be alone with your student or give a student a ride. It is unprofessional to get too close to your students. We have over-corrected due to the abhorrent actions of a few.
Don't get me wrong, I know that truly bad things do and have happened as a result of the power imbalance between teacher and student and the implicit trust that used to be directed at teachers. I know it is real. But there are so many dangers in life, and we shouldn't suck out all the goodness and faith in humanity to protect us from the bad. Kids will fall out of trees and break their legs, but we shouldn't stop letting kids climb trees.
I had a group of students this year that I bonded with on a level that I never have before. I seriously love them so much, like I do my own children. I mean, obviously not as much as my own children, but in the same way. I would seriously do almost anything for these kids, as long as it did not impede on my own family.
I miss them this summer. I miss hanging out with them. Just as I truly enjoy hanging out with my own kids, I loved hanging out with these kids. I would love to be able to take them hiking or give them some summer work painting the trim on my house. But just my saying these things is "unprofessional" and "inappropriate".
My son became really close with his first grade teacher and he hangs out with her sometimes. She will take him to the arcade and ice cream or they will go to a play together. I'm his mom and I have no problem with that; I think it is wonderful. Yet I know that even if I had a parent's permission to hang out with a student, it would still be frowned upon. It's not safe. What if someone decided to make a false accusation or got the wrong idea? It is SO insane.
Maybe it is different because I am a middle school teacher. Maybe it is considered different at the elementary age. And, it probably doesn't help my case that this small group of students I became so close to are all boys. But, it is who I am; I've always related with boys better.
Regardless, it is a bummer that I am not allowed, at least in terms of the agreed upon mores, to have a more personal relationship with my students outside of school. Kids all over have adult family friends whom they are close to and spend time with. Why as a teacher can we no longer be one of those family friends?
I got particularly close to one family and I did give their son rides from track practice for a few weeks. Yes, I broke the unspoken rule of being in a car alone with a student. But I had the parent's permission and was doing it because otherwise the boy could not have done track, and that kid needed track. I know they trust me. I know in a way I have become a family friend. Professionally, however, I would be doing something wrong if I pursued that family friendship.
I really, really miss those kids. In a lot of ways I am not like other people. I just don't fit in to a lot of the molds of adulthood. Those adolescents complete me and my happiness in a way nothing else could because nothing else in life fits into my wacky puzzle. I know I will never be able to hang out with them outside of school. Since the year is over, I probably won't hang out with them again at all. Every year those I bonded with so deeply in 7th grade fade away into the abyss of 8th grade. But I guess my one consolation is that there will be a new batch next year and there will be some gems in that group I bond with as well until that year comes to an end.
In a lot of ways it was a really, really tough school year. But those boys just lightened my days and lifted my spirit. I am so thankful to have spent the time I did with those kids. The last day of school was, literally, when of the best days of my life. I played basketball with the boys for about 2.5 hours and then hung out with, just them, for the last half hour of the day in my room. I feel so lucky to get to experience those kinds of moments. People that don't like or understand or work with adolescents will never get it or experience it and it is pretty special that I am one of the few that does. Thank you boys! That you for the joy you brought me this year.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
It's been a long time
It has been a long time since I have made any additions to this blog. This is because I haven't been in a traumatic state of self-pitying and self-identity analysis since the beginning of last spring. Also, I've been really busy since school started.
I find it funny that the only time I am motivated to write is when I am going through some dramatic emotional upheaval and therefore feel the need to spew all my self analysis out on the computer for the world to see. I'll be thinking of something, usually something about my roller coaster life and my latest epiphany, and I can't wait to get in front of a computer so I can write it all down. Yet, when I am in a content phase of life and I have an idea in my head about an interesting topic that I actually have time to write about, something else is always more alluring. I say I enjoy writing and that I want to do it, yet I never take the time to write in any sort of productive way; I only write for therapy.
So, I was just catching up on my blog reading. There are really only two blogs I follow but I hadn't read either for a long time, so there was a lot of reading to do. Reading my friends' blogs caused me to want to check out my own blog which I haven't checked since the beginning of the summer. As I was reading my entries, I was particularly aware of my own writing. I was trying to determine in my head if my writing is *good* and very worried that it isn't. I wasn't so concerned with my ideas; I'm convinced the things I have to say are interesting, or at least interesting enough. Instead, I was analyzing my sentence fluency and structures and my vocabulary and feeling incredibly insecure that is wasn't *good enough*. Whatever that means.
Why? Well, it all stems back to a BIG fight Kyle and I had a little while ago. It has been a LONG time since Kyle and I had a really big blow out; we just don't do it anymore. And, as often happens when Kyle and I have a big fight, Kyle veered off the topic at hand and began focusing on insulting me purely for the purpose of hurting me. That's how Kyle fights.
Please understand, I'm now outing Kyle here or venting or even saying anything bad about him. We all fight dirty in one way or another. It's the nature of fighting. Insults just happens to be Kyle's technique which is no better or worse than anyone else's technique. And to be fair, when I saw he was really going to get down and dirty, I fought fire with fire and definitely said some things for the sole purpose of hurting him in his most sensitve areas so, you know, all's fair in love and war.
During this particular fight, Kyle was digging deep into his repertoire of insults, really focusing on my various achilles heels, and one of the insults he made is that I think I am a good writer but that actually I am a shitty writer. He even specifically referenced my blog as evidence to my shitty writing. Now, this wasn't totally out of the blue because the fight did start because I inadvertently insulted Kyle while trying to use a conversation about the book Kyle was reading to Graham as a teachable moment. I was asking Graham to use some comprehension strategy and Kyle answered the question instead of Graham. I asked Kyle to back up his answer with evidence, again in trying to model for Graham that good readers have evidence to back up there claims, and Kyle's answer was exactly the kind of answer I would tell one of my students is a cop-out. I blurted this out because it popped into my head and I was still in teacher mode, but of course it pissed Kyle off because I was basically insulting him for his answer. So, eventually this led to him saying I am a shitty reader and citing the many questions I ask about a book I'm reading that he has already read. See? Achilles heel. I mean, my god, I'm a reading teacher.
So, you can see how this naturally led to my poor writing skills which would, of course, accompany my poor reading skills.
The next day, after we had made up, Kyle apologized and admitted that he didn't really mean all the things he said and was only trying to hurt me. Particularly, he knows I am not a bad reader and that I think about reading in a different way since I teach reading comprehension to teenagers. But he definitely didn't reference the writing specifically when *taking back* what he said. And I know that the things I said to hurt him, though exaggerated, had some truth in them. So, I haven't been able to totally let go of this idea that I'm a bad writer. In the end I know it really doesn't matter. Opinions of writing are subjective and it's not like I'm trying to get published or anything or that I need to impress Kyle. When I need to write for a real purpose I get the job done and I do it well enough. But I just thought my recent paranoia in relation to the quality of my writing would be something interesting to write about, ironically. And it did get me to do some writing, even though I'm not in a state of manic-depressive life overhaul right now.
I find it funny that the only time I am motivated to write is when I am going through some dramatic emotional upheaval and therefore feel the need to spew all my self analysis out on the computer for the world to see. I'll be thinking of something, usually something about my roller coaster life and my latest epiphany, and I can't wait to get in front of a computer so I can write it all down. Yet, when I am in a content phase of life and I have an idea in my head about an interesting topic that I actually have time to write about, something else is always more alluring. I say I enjoy writing and that I want to do it, yet I never take the time to write in any sort of productive way; I only write for therapy.
So, I was just catching up on my blog reading. There are really only two blogs I follow but I hadn't read either for a long time, so there was a lot of reading to do. Reading my friends' blogs caused me to want to check out my own blog which I haven't checked since the beginning of the summer. As I was reading my entries, I was particularly aware of my own writing. I was trying to determine in my head if my writing is *good* and very worried that it isn't. I wasn't so concerned with my ideas; I'm convinced the things I have to say are interesting, or at least interesting enough. Instead, I was analyzing my sentence fluency and structures and my vocabulary and feeling incredibly insecure that is wasn't *good enough*. Whatever that means.
Why? Well, it all stems back to a BIG fight Kyle and I had a little while ago. It has been a LONG time since Kyle and I had a really big blow out; we just don't do it anymore. And, as often happens when Kyle and I have a big fight, Kyle veered off the topic at hand and began focusing on insulting me purely for the purpose of hurting me. That's how Kyle fights.
Please understand, I'm now outing Kyle here or venting or even saying anything bad about him. We all fight dirty in one way or another. It's the nature of fighting. Insults just happens to be Kyle's technique which is no better or worse than anyone else's technique. And to be fair, when I saw he was really going to get down and dirty, I fought fire with fire and definitely said some things for the sole purpose of hurting him in his most sensitve areas so, you know, all's fair in love and war.
During this particular fight, Kyle was digging deep into his repertoire of insults, really focusing on my various achilles heels, and one of the insults he made is that I think I am a good writer but that actually I am a shitty writer. He even specifically referenced my blog as evidence to my shitty writing. Now, this wasn't totally out of the blue because the fight did start because I inadvertently insulted Kyle while trying to use a conversation about the book Kyle was reading to Graham as a teachable moment. I was asking Graham to use some comprehension strategy and Kyle answered the question instead of Graham. I asked Kyle to back up his answer with evidence, again in trying to model for Graham that good readers have evidence to back up there claims, and Kyle's answer was exactly the kind of answer I would tell one of my students is a cop-out. I blurted this out because it popped into my head and I was still in teacher mode, but of course it pissed Kyle off because I was basically insulting him for his answer. So, eventually this led to him saying I am a shitty reader and citing the many questions I ask about a book I'm reading that he has already read. See? Achilles heel. I mean, my god, I'm a reading teacher.
So, you can see how this naturally led to my poor writing skills which would, of course, accompany my poor reading skills.
The next day, after we had made up, Kyle apologized and admitted that he didn't really mean all the things he said and was only trying to hurt me. Particularly, he knows I am not a bad reader and that I think about reading in a different way since I teach reading comprehension to teenagers. But he definitely didn't reference the writing specifically when *taking back* what he said. And I know that the things I said to hurt him, though exaggerated, had some truth in them. So, I haven't been able to totally let go of this idea that I'm a bad writer. In the end I know it really doesn't matter. Opinions of writing are subjective and it's not like I'm trying to get published or anything or that I need to impress Kyle. When I need to write for a real purpose I get the job done and I do it well enough. But I just thought my recent paranoia in relation to the quality of my writing would be something interesting to write about, ironically. And it did get me to do some writing, even though I'm not in a state of manic-depressive life overhaul right now.
Monday, June 6, 2011
I'm Happy
I think this is the happiest I have been in a long time, and it was a LONG time coming. It feels fantastic!
I'm not saying that I don't still have those moment to moment, day to day ups and downs. I mean, duh, I'm bi-polar and life is crazy. Overall, however, I am ecstatic with the joys of life.
My happiness is probabaly a combination of a lot of things. The sun shining more and the fnal arrival of Spring definitely plays it's part. Also, I've really been putting effort into my health, eating right, lots and lots and lots of exercise, and it makes me feel SO much better. Plus, back to the weather, I prefer getting my exercise outdoors and now I can.
Speaking of that, hiking more, going to the park, being outside, I guess that all is a given with the sun but it enlivens my soul. Not sure if "enliven" is a word but, who cares, it's my word. And Amelia...Amelia, Amelia, Amelia...she is the child I imagined having long before I had children. Of course, I imagined her a boy, but she is perfect the way she is. She is me but so much better. How lucky I am to have the child I always wanted and Graham, the complete surprise, so unlike anything I ever imagined. The child I never realized I always wanted until I had him.
This is a very disjointed blog but, back to Amelia. Her amazing love and connection with nature could not make me happier. Our nature girl hearts connect us in such a special way. This weekend she and I went outside early in the morning and I sat on the patio drinking coffee and reading while she watered the plants and dug for worms and then sat staring and staring at all the creepy crawlers she uncovered. She is going to study bugs some day or something like that. What is a bug scientist called? I think that is what she is going to be. She and I are so content being outside.
But I SO digress. Happiness...another reason I am happy is I finally pulled my bike out and have been riding it a lot. Well, not a lot compared to my pre-child days, but a lot compared to the last few years. Biking makes me SO happy. I put on the trailer and Mimi loves to ride back there around the neighborhood or to the store. We also bought her one of those bikes without pedals...I forget what they are called. A little pink one. She is going to LOVE it.
Most of all, though, I think my new happiness is a result of acceptance and change. I've always loved the Serenity Prayer...basically I feel like it says that you should look at yourself and the world, admit your faults or weaknesses to yourself as well as the faults of the world, assess which you can work on or change and begin that, and accept the things that you cannot change.Messessentialism...a word a character in a book made up. Reveling in the messiness that is life. Life is messy; you have to accept it, control what you can, and move on.
I went through some big internal changes this year. I analyzed myself and life extensively and was able to uncover some things for which I have been making excuses for a long time. I decided to buck up and tackle them. I also finally made peace with some things that I cannot change.
So, I guess I feel good that I can really own a lot of my happiness. Some of the components are things I don't control, such as the weather, but most of the components of my happiness were things I made happen. That kind of happiness, the kind you work for, is the best kind. And believe me, not only is making changes hard work, but also finding the inner courage to accept and make peace with yourself and your world.
So yeah, I'm really happy and I OWN my happiness.
I'm not saying that I don't still have those moment to moment, day to day ups and downs. I mean, duh, I'm bi-polar and life is crazy. Overall, however, I am ecstatic with the joys of life.
My happiness is probabaly a combination of a lot of things. The sun shining more and the fnal arrival of Spring definitely plays it's part. Also, I've really been putting effort into my health, eating right, lots and lots and lots of exercise, and it makes me feel SO much better. Plus, back to the weather, I prefer getting my exercise outdoors and now I can.
Speaking of that, hiking more, going to the park, being outside, I guess that all is a given with the sun but it enlivens my soul. Not sure if "enliven" is a word but, who cares, it's my word. And Amelia...Amelia, Amelia, Amelia...she is the child I imagined having long before I had children. Of course, I imagined her a boy, but she is perfect the way she is. She is me but so much better. How lucky I am to have the child I always wanted and Graham, the complete surprise, so unlike anything I ever imagined. The child I never realized I always wanted until I had him.
This is a very disjointed blog but, back to Amelia. Her amazing love and connection with nature could not make me happier. Our nature girl hearts connect us in such a special way. This weekend she and I went outside early in the morning and I sat on the patio drinking coffee and reading while she watered the plants and dug for worms and then sat staring and staring at all the creepy crawlers she uncovered. She is going to study bugs some day or something like that. What is a bug scientist called? I think that is what she is going to be. She and I are so content being outside.
But I SO digress. Happiness...another reason I am happy is I finally pulled my bike out and have been riding it a lot. Well, not a lot compared to my pre-child days, but a lot compared to the last few years. Biking makes me SO happy. I put on the trailer and Mimi loves to ride back there around the neighborhood or to the store. We also bought her one of those bikes without pedals...I forget what they are called. A little pink one. She is going to LOVE it.
Most of all, though, I think my new happiness is a result of acceptance and change. I've always loved the Serenity Prayer...basically I feel like it says that you should look at yourself and the world, admit your faults or weaknesses to yourself as well as the faults of the world, assess which you can work on or change and begin that, and accept the things that you cannot change.Messessentialism...a word a character in a book made up. Reveling in the messiness that is life. Life is messy; you have to accept it, control what you can, and move on.
I went through some big internal changes this year. I analyzed myself and life extensively and was able to uncover some things for which I have been making excuses for a long time. I decided to buck up and tackle them. I also finally made peace with some things that I cannot change.
So, I guess I feel good that I can really own a lot of my happiness. Some of the components are things I don't control, such as the weather, but most of the components of my happiness were things I made happen. That kind of happiness, the kind you work for, is the best kind. And believe me, not only is making changes hard work, but also finding the inner courage to accept and make peace with yourself and your world.
So yeah, I'm really happy and I OWN my happiness.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Cultural Message that Suffering is Admirable
My sister's birthday was earlier this week. I sent her an e-card and an amazon gift certificate over email. To be fair, we did call her as well because I believe that personal touch is important when someone you care about has a special occasion. But, I felt a little guilty, like I was copping out because I sent things over the computer. You know, that's EASY. And then it hit me:
There is this pressure in society that to truly show someone you care you have to suffer for them. I think the idea that suffering is admirable in this culture started with Christianity. There is definitely an aspect to their philosophy that suffering is noble and enduring suffering helps you get to heaven. I'm not saying that Christianity is the only religion with this notion, but it is the predominating religious influence in our culture that supports that idea.
Now, I have to admit, when it comes to sending gifts, cards, etc. for special occoasions I suck. I mean, I try, and for a few years I was really good at it. Those were the post adolescent (around 25) pre child days. Now that I have two kids I am so busy with my own life that it is truly hard to think outside my self. And frankly, it is hard to get to the post office or UPS store when you work full time and have all these child activities that fill your free time. It's a pain in the ass. But, to give someone a token of my esteem by sending something online, that isn't too hard and the result is the same: they get a gift that shows they were important enough to me to remember their special occasion.
So yeah, I realized my guilt stemmed from a subtle undertone in society that if you didn't suffer, you didn't really mean it. And frankly, that's bullshit. I will try to be better at remembering all important occasions and giving important people in my life some token of esteem, because sometimes I forget. But I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for doing it in ways that keep me from suffering and creating extra stress in my life. I encourage all of you to do the same:)
There is this pressure in society that to truly show someone you care you have to suffer for them. I think the idea that suffering is admirable in this culture started with Christianity. There is definitely an aspect to their philosophy that suffering is noble and enduring suffering helps you get to heaven. I'm not saying that Christianity is the only religion with this notion, but it is the predominating religious influence in our culture that supports that idea.
Now, I have to admit, when it comes to sending gifts, cards, etc. for special occoasions I suck. I mean, I try, and for a few years I was really good at it. Those were the post adolescent (around 25) pre child days. Now that I have two kids I am so busy with my own life that it is truly hard to think outside my self. And frankly, it is hard to get to the post office or UPS store when you work full time and have all these child activities that fill your free time. It's a pain in the ass. But, to give someone a token of my esteem by sending something online, that isn't too hard and the result is the same: they get a gift that shows they were important enough to me to remember their special occasion.
So yeah, I realized my guilt stemmed from a subtle undertone in society that if you didn't suffer, you didn't really mean it. And frankly, that's bullshit. I will try to be better at remembering all important occasions and giving important people in my life some token of esteem, because sometimes I forget. But I'm not going to feel guilty anymore for doing it in ways that keep me from suffering and creating extra stress in my life. I encourage all of you to do the same:)
Friday, April 1, 2011
Identity and Simplicity
I have learned so goddamn much in the last few years. Particulary, in the last year. I feel like I have found my true identity, my adult identity. I know that additional layers will be created along the way, but I finally feel confident and solid in who I am again. I've been able to figure out a lot of my hang-ups and where they came from. As a result I have been able to let go of many of them. I feel like I've started to walk the walk that I've always talked, that I've always pretended I was truly walking. I've come back around to the really wonderful person I once thought I was but felt I had lost. Many of the paths I took, the bad choices I made, caused so much regret inside me, even guilt. I've been working on getting over that for a long time and, for the most part, came to the conclusion that all paths led me to where I am supposed to be. But I still felt like those choices caused me to regress as a person and I didn't ever think I would be able to reverse that. I once felt very proud of many of my qualities and actions, and I deserved to feel that pride. I feel like I finally have those qualities back and that I can use those qualities more expertly now that I am an adult with knowledge and experience and maturity.
A few weeks ago on the Biggest Loser the player that was eliminated was a guy named Justin. He annoyed me at first but I came to really like him just like all the other people on the show. Anyway, he said something I really liked. He acknowledged that it is wonderful to be able to say out loud that you are someone special and be proud of who you are. He's right, and I kind of feel that way now. Like I can be proud of who I am again but even more than I ever was because I have this new sense of really being in control of myself and my life and feeling pride in how I am *trying* to live it. It's funny because he is one of the many mormons on the show. I'm not a fan of the mormon religion and I'm not sure why mormons and the Biggest Loser are so attracted to each other, but I've actually liked most of the mormons on the show. Anyway, as usual, I totally digress.
Simplicity. Such an important concept that has helped shape my *new* identity. I want to live simply, much more simply than I do now. I have simplified in many ways and there is no doubt that the more simply I live the happier I am. There are so many different aspects to simplify: money/possessions, relationships, emotions, health. It's ironic that living simply in this culture is a lot of work. Our culture is definitely not based around simplicity. I'm not blaming, but we live the way we learned to live and the way that was modeled for us being raised in this culture and it has become habit and habits are hard to break. Regardless, I've really learned that simplifying things, in every way, is a beautiful thing. For me a lot of it has been mentally simplifying things, not buying into or creating stress and drama in my life that doesn't need to be there. Part of this is not caring so much what other people think. I have always REALLY talked the talked with this one, but secretly done the opposite of walking the walk in many ways. Really though, worrying so much what others think is an act of self-absorbtion. Others are too busy worrying about their own lives to spend a whole lot of time analyzing my faults. And the people worth having around really aren't that critical. My northwest friends have really taught me that. Of course, I still get insecure and worry what others think sometimes, but I've gotten a lot better.
It's freeing really, to stop worrying so much about everything. What good does it do really? As long as you are responsible and prepare for the things you can prepare for, why worry? If something out of your control happens there is nothing you can do anyway. This new way of thinking has freed me up to focus on the things that really matter in my own life. I want to do (or not do) whatever I can to make life as content as it can be for my family and me. And I really feel as if life IS becoming more content.
There is no doubt that my mini-mid-life crisis was the impetus for this transformation. I had to go through that to get here. Cliche' metaphor but, I struggled, built my cocoon and retreated inside, and came out a bigger and more beautiful butterfly. I am a better person today than I was at the beginning of the year in January. Being this person will benefit myself, my friends, my family, and the world. I really beleive that. Let's hope this feeling lasts.
A few weeks ago on the Biggest Loser the player that was eliminated was a guy named Justin. He annoyed me at first but I came to really like him just like all the other people on the show. Anyway, he said something I really liked. He acknowledged that it is wonderful to be able to say out loud that you are someone special and be proud of who you are. He's right, and I kind of feel that way now. Like I can be proud of who I am again but even more than I ever was because I have this new sense of really being in control of myself and my life and feeling pride in how I am *trying* to live it. It's funny because he is one of the many mormons on the show. I'm not a fan of the mormon religion and I'm not sure why mormons and the Biggest Loser are so attracted to each other, but I've actually liked most of the mormons on the show. Anyway, as usual, I totally digress.
Simplicity. Such an important concept that has helped shape my *new* identity. I want to live simply, much more simply than I do now. I have simplified in many ways and there is no doubt that the more simply I live the happier I am. There are so many different aspects to simplify: money/possessions, relationships, emotions, health. It's ironic that living simply in this culture is a lot of work. Our culture is definitely not based around simplicity. I'm not blaming, but we live the way we learned to live and the way that was modeled for us being raised in this culture and it has become habit and habits are hard to break. Regardless, I've really learned that simplifying things, in every way, is a beautiful thing. For me a lot of it has been mentally simplifying things, not buying into or creating stress and drama in my life that doesn't need to be there. Part of this is not caring so much what other people think. I have always REALLY talked the talked with this one, but secretly done the opposite of walking the walk in many ways. Really though, worrying so much what others think is an act of self-absorbtion. Others are too busy worrying about their own lives to spend a whole lot of time analyzing my faults. And the people worth having around really aren't that critical. My northwest friends have really taught me that. Of course, I still get insecure and worry what others think sometimes, but I've gotten a lot better.
It's freeing really, to stop worrying so much about everything. What good does it do really? As long as you are responsible and prepare for the things you can prepare for, why worry? If something out of your control happens there is nothing you can do anyway. This new way of thinking has freed me up to focus on the things that really matter in my own life. I want to do (or not do) whatever I can to make life as content as it can be for my family and me. And I really feel as if life IS becoming more content.
There is no doubt that my mini-mid-life crisis was the impetus for this transformation. I had to go through that to get here. Cliche' metaphor but, I struggled, built my cocoon and retreated inside, and came out a bigger and more beautiful butterfly. I am a better person today than I was at the beginning of the year in January. Being this person will benefit myself, my friends, my family, and the world. I really beleive that. Let's hope this feeling lasts.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Visualizing the Story of my Future
If I hadn't decided to be a teacher, I would have become a counselor or a psychologist. Though I can enjoy a nice cynical conversation as much as the next guy, deep down I am a touchy-feely person. I'm positive and sunshiny and not afraid of emotion. In fact, I am fascinated by human emotion and love hearing people's stories and analyzing them, as well as analyzing my own.
Since I am a "coach" right now, I attend coaching trainings a few times a year. I really like our trainer immensely. She comes at the coaching from a counseling perspective and is quite touchy-feely. Transferring this method over to my job as an instructional coach is difficult because I am coaching teachers in becoming better at their jobs. At times this can focus on emotional aspects, but for the most part it is meant to stay professional.
However, many of the approaches our coaching trainer has illuminated are practices I already use in my own life, even though I didn't realize I was using them; it's always been unconcious. One of those approaches is visualizing the future you want. When first put out as a theory, it sounds cheesy. But I realized that when I make changes that help me grow and bring me joy, I usually start by visualizing what I want. It really works. Weight loss experts always talk about using this strategy. When you feel like giving up, visualize how you want to look and feel, what you want to be able to do, and it will inspire you to continue. I'm not saying it works 100% of the time; change is hard, but it's a good start.
Earlier in the year I was going through a really hard time. I am doing much better now. I think the first step was starting this blog. Counselor's often recommend journaling; it's a good strategy. By writing about my thoughts and feelings I've been able to:
1. Allow myself to feel them and voice them
2. Process them
3. Purge them
This allowed me to move forward in "becoming the change I want to see." Yes, cheesy but true. I began to visualize what I wanted my life to look like. I didn't do this on purpose, I just did it naturally. I focused on the summer. I know that I don't love my job and that the rest of the school year isn't going to be ideal. In some ways I don't have a lot of control over the rest of this school year. However, summer is my time and I have, to an extent, total control over what I do. So I began to visualize a summer in which I look and feel healthier. A summer filled with hiking and biking and outdoor activities. A summer in which I spend ample time with my children, fostering the same love of the outdoors and nature that I have. I imagine being a good role model for my children, not telling them how I want them to be, but showing them. I imagine doing a lot of reading and setting aside time to work with my children on reading, writing, math, but in fun ways. I see my son having lots of experiences to cultivate his love and talents for the arts. I see money being budgeted carefully and spent wisely. I picture a household that has a little more structure and organization so that we have more time for joy.
Once I really saw these things in my head I was motivated; I was motivated to not just desire it, but to make it happen. However, over the years and based on the experiences I've had I realize that change comes from small steps. In psychology the evidence based model for permanent, sustainable, quality change is baby step, feel success, motivation, another baby step, more success, motivation, etc. So, I've slowly started implementing baby steps over the last month and I am feeling success and some of the changes I desire. Part of this means work, work I don't always want to do. But the more I make these minor changes, the better I feel and the easier it is to do the work and take new steps. It makes me happy. I also see how it affects others. I'm seeing how my family is better for the changes I am making. If I am a better person it will also make life better for them.
I'm also seeing the positive effects of visualizing in my profession. Of course, part of my visualization for next year is that I will be back in the classroom. I'm crossing my fingers that this will happen on its own, but I'm also starting to realize that I'm willing to fight for it if it doesn't happen naturally. I'm seeing all the things I can add to my own classroom and teaching as well as how I can take what I've learned as a coach to other teams I work with in the building to make our school better for the students all around.
I've also been working one-on-one with a student who reads at about a Kindergarten levl. I'm not supposed to be doing that in my role as a coach, but I don't give a damn. It is SO rewarding. Now that I am actually doing it and seeing how it can really make a difference in this kid's life, I am visualizing taking this into the future. I want to give him resources for the summer so he can continue to practice. And this kid will, he is so inspired to learn to read. I see myself finding a way to keep tutoring him all next year, no matter what. And I can truly picture him going into high school with enough reading ability to have a fighting chance. I really, really, think we can do this. Seeing that future in my mind inspires me to follow through and not give up.
So, yeah, visualization. Maybe it sounds stupid, but it's not; I really think it works. I don't know that we always completely fulfill our visualizations, but it's a start. Picturing the future we want motivates us to take steps toward it. No matter if we fully realize the vision, or even if somewhere along the way what we want changes, we end up the better for it.
Since I am a "coach" right now, I attend coaching trainings a few times a year. I really like our trainer immensely. She comes at the coaching from a counseling perspective and is quite touchy-feely. Transferring this method over to my job as an instructional coach is difficult because I am coaching teachers in becoming better at their jobs. At times this can focus on emotional aspects, but for the most part it is meant to stay professional.
However, many of the approaches our coaching trainer has illuminated are practices I already use in my own life, even though I didn't realize I was using them; it's always been unconcious. One of those approaches is visualizing the future you want. When first put out as a theory, it sounds cheesy. But I realized that when I make changes that help me grow and bring me joy, I usually start by visualizing what I want. It really works. Weight loss experts always talk about using this strategy. When you feel like giving up, visualize how you want to look and feel, what you want to be able to do, and it will inspire you to continue. I'm not saying it works 100% of the time; change is hard, but it's a good start.
Earlier in the year I was going through a really hard time. I am doing much better now. I think the first step was starting this blog. Counselor's often recommend journaling; it's a good strategy. By writing about my thoughts and feelings I've been able to:
1. Allow myself to feel them and voice them
2. Process them
3. Purge them
This allowed me to move forward in "becoming the change I want to see." Yes, cheesy but true. I began to visualize what I wanted my life to look like. I didn't do this on purpose, I just did it naturally. I focused on the summer. I know that I don't love my job and that the rest of the school year isn't going to be ideal. In some ways I don't have a lot of control over the rest of this school year. However, summer is my time and I have, to an extent, total control over what I do. So I began to visualize a summer in which I look and feel healthier. A summer filled with hiking and biking and outdoor activities. A summer in which I spend ample time with my children, fostering the same love of the outdoors and nature that I have. I imagine being a good role model for my children, not telling them how I want them to be, but showing them. I imagine doing a lot of reading and setting aside time to work with my children on reading, writing, math, but in fun ways. I see my son having lots of experiences to cultivate his love and talents for the arts. I see money being budgeted carefully and spent wisely. I picture a household that has a little more structure and organization so that we have more time for joy.
Once I really saw these things in my head I was motivated; I was motivated to not just desire it, but to make it happen. However, over the years and based on the experiences I've had I realize that change comes from small steps. In psychology the evidence based model for permanent, sustainable, quality change is baby step, feel success, motivation, another baby step, more success, motivation, etc. So, I've slowly started implementing baby steps over the last month and I am feeling success and some of the changes I desire. Part of this means work, work I don't always want to do. But the more I make these minor changes, the better I feel and the easier it is to do the work and take new steps. It makes me happy. I also see how it affects others. I'm seeing how my family is better for the changes I am making. If I am a better person it will also make life better for them.
I'm also seeing the positive effects of visualizing in my profession. Of course, part of my visualization for next year is that I will be back in the classroom. I'm crossing my fingers that this will happen on its own, but I'm also starting to realize that I'm willing to fight for it if it doesn't happen naturally. I'm seeing all the things I can add to my own classroom and teaching as well as how I can take what I've learned as a coach to other teams I work with in the building to make our school better for the students all around.
I've also been working one-on-one with a student who reads at about a Kindergarten levl. I'm not supposed to be doing that in my role as a coach, but I don't give a damn. It is SO rewarding. Now that I am actually doing it and seeing how it can really make a difference in this kid's life, I am visualizing taking this into the future. I want to give him resources for the summer so he can continue to practice. And this kid will, he is so inspired to learn to read. I see myself finding a way to keep tutoring him all next year, no matter what. And I can truly picture him going into high school with enough reading ability to have a fighting chance. I really, really, think we can do this. Seeing that future in my mind inspires me to follow through and not give up.
So, yeah, visualization. Maybe it sounds stupid, but it's not; I really think it works. I don't know that we always completely fulfill our visualizations, but it's a start. Picturing the future we want motivates us to take steps toward it. No matter if we fully realize the vision, or even if somewhere along the way what we want changes, we end up the better for it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)