Old Friends

I quoted the song "Old Friends" by Simon and Garfunkel on my last blog. It was probably more fitting for this one...regardless. My three closest and dearest friends I have known for 20+ years. I am still in contact with all three and feel we are close, even though I live apart from all of them and don't get to actually see them much. More recently I feel like I have, as stated in my previous blog, been able to re-connect on a deeper level with some of them. It has been very important to me at this time in my life that these deeper re-connections have happened. And honestly, I genuinely hope I am still close to these three when I am old and gray. I will do everything in my power to make that happen.

I have other very dear and close friends that I haven't known quite as long. I also have friends that I have known as long, but we aren't that close any more. These three are special because there is a bond there that cannot be duplicated. The reason for this is that they have seen me at my worst, and my worst was seedy, horrible, and disgusting. That is not the same as knowing about my seedy past as my husband does. They were actually there; they actually experienced it with me. They have seen me grow and change (as I have them) and they still love me. That creates a a bond that is hard to penetrate. The fact that recently, after all these years, when we see each other only once or twice a year, they still trusted me enough to share incredibly private and serious experiences is a testament to that bond. I would feel safe sharing the same kinds of things with them.

I miss them so much. But I am so thankful that they are still in my life. And at this point, in the midst of my mini-mid-life crisis, the deeper bonds we have re-established are very important to me. More so, I need those bonds again as I flounder through this new life as an adult. A life that, honestly, I'm not completely comfortable with or satisfied with. We will never be able to go back to the experiences we once had together. I long to re-live them, not the bad ones, but the many, many good and important ones. But I can't. I can only wax nostalgic about them. How lucky I am to have had those experiences. Now, I can create new memories. We can continue to share and grow together as we all three navigate growing older. That calms me a little, makes me feel a little better and a little less fearful about this new stage in my life.

One other interesting point. Two of these three friends are male. For much of my life I had many male friends. Of course I need female friends as well and have had many. But, I've always gravitated towards males as good friends and found those friendships to be particularly meaningful. I think as you grow older, get married, etc....it is harder to create close platonic bonds with the opposite sex. I think you make "couple" friends and can be close to both people in the couple, but it is different than the one on one closeness I have had previously with male friends.  I could go into more detail about why I think I have gravitated to platonic male friendships and why I feel I need them, but not right now. My point is, for awhile I wasn't in as constant contact with these two and I really, really missed having close male friends. So, this is another reason I am so happy to feel closer to them again and will do whatever it takes to continue our close relationships.

I will also work hard at this, with all three, because I was seriously estranged with two of them for a long period of time. The estrangement with both of them was completely my fault. But, that's another blog for another day, if I'm ever even brave enough to write about it. So anyway, I need to make up for that estrangement by doing the work to stay close to them from now on.

Anyway, that's all. I think I just needed to say all that.