The other day Graham and I went on a very long walk all around the Woodstock neighborhood. When we set out it was daytime and the sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. The walk ended at the park and while Graham ran around climbing on things like a wild monkey, I was listening to harp music on my ipod and watching the transformation that is twilight.
The sky starts to get darker and darker until it is almost navy blue. But the sun is still shining in low from the other direction. The sunlight shines on the trees and plants and against that dark sky background they just POP! Every natural color seems more vivid, brighter. It's amazing. Twilight has always been one of my favorite times of day.
At that moment I was so content. Everything just felt...good. I am not in a completly content place in my life right now. But even in times of discontent, there are still moments of perfect peace. This was one of them.
I find I am doing what most humans do with they are having a hard time in thier lives, trying to escape reality. People do it in different ways. Some throw themselves into their work to avoid the rest of reality. Some people throw themselves into a romance and pretend nothing else exists. Most commonly, I think, people use drugs and alcohol to escape. That was for sure my means of escape when I was younger.
I'm a grown-up now and I have kids and a job as a teacher, so that kind of escapism would inflict permanent damage on my life. Plus I'm just too old to even handle that anymore. I mean, sure, I still like my beer and wine sometimes. But certainly not with the indulgent zest I used to.
So, I find that my escapism of choice has become fiction.
I LOVE stories. I always have. I love books and movies and plays and even some tv. The most important aspect of any story, for me, is the characters. A story has to have full, interesting, well-developed characters that I actually care about. The problem is that I actually get attached to these kinds of characters. I mean, in a kind of psycho way. In my mind they ARE my friends. I miss them when the story is over. I want to re-read/re-watch the story over and over to be with my friends again. I think of them as real people. I live vicariously through them and their adventures. Because, you see, when my head is consumed with a story setting and fictional characters and I'm moving through the much more exciting and interesting events of a made-up plot...I don't have to deal with my own reality. I can pretend that life is some amazing build up and climax and that I'm still seeing the world through the eyes of a 20 year old or that magic is at my fingertips or that I'm stronger than I am and can survive great hardships which I've never come close to experiencing in my own life. In other words, I escape reality. I leave this world for awhile and immerse myself in completely different people and places.
And you're all probably thinking that there is nothing wrong with that. Reading is good. Much better than doing drugs or drinking. But, I'm obsessed. I get completely obsessed with stories and characters and...as much as I've been willing to reveal in this blog, I won't explain what I mean. Because I would have to give examples and I'm not willing to make myself THAT vulnerable.
My husband knows. You can't be married and live so intimately together and keep things from one another. I know he thinks I'm bat-shit bonkers and that it is ridiculous the way I fall in love with characters and obsess. You could ask him, but I don't think he would tell you. He accepts me and he won't betray me. That's why he's my husband.
Regardless, it has spiraled a little out of control. And, that is a sign to me that something needs to be done. It is like when the alcoholic gets the DUI and realizes it's time to face reality and deal with their issues so they won't have to turn to alcohol anymore. This is my wake up call. There is nothing wrong with taking little vacations from reality here and there. But when you spend more time in fictional worlds than reality, that's a problem. It's time to fix my life again. It's time to make some changes so I do enjoy my reality and can travel through life with gusto. And so it comes to one of the most famous and simplest pieces of advise: each journey begins with one step. I know that isn't Lao Tzu's exact quote. Although I don't think anyone can claim that any English translation is an exact quote but, you get the point. One step at a time. Baby steps. I always try to do too much, change too much in one big motion. It never lasts. One thing at a time. That is my new motto. I have a grand plan but I've broken it down into baby steps and only after I master one step will I move on to the next. I'm hoping this will create a more permanent change in my life. Through these baby steps I will eventually get back to an existence of happiness and peace. And though I know life will always have to cycle around to discontent to keep me on my toes, maybe getting to my next phase of happiness through baby steps will enable it to last longer when I get there.
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