Toddlers, Adolescence, and the so-called Mid-life Crisis

Alright, this is the big one, the one that has been haunting me, locked up inside me for a few months now. And though it is what I most need and want to write about, it is also a pretty big issue to tackle.

I don't remember exactly when this started, when I decided I was having an early mid-life crisis. Maybe early November? But ever since I have been calling whatever it is I am going through my mid-life crisis. Actually though, I'm not sure that name is apt. I say it is not apt because I think the term "mid-life crisis" in general is not apt to what it describes. But more on that later.

I've always had a young personality, even as I grew up. I guess I've always been energetic, vivacious, and had a baby face. I've also always been kind of wild and rebellious. At least to an extent. I mean, in high school in many ways I was a very good girl. I got good grades, played sports and participated in a wide variety of other extra-curricular activities. Adults and teachers loved me. So I wasn't a rebel in a "bad girl" kind of way. But I always had a wild streak and tended to question authority, challenge my teachers, etc.
Once I got out of high school, people always thought I was younger than I was. I think a lot of that was physical, that I looked young. But I think my personality fit my look as well. And over the years, through grad school, becoming a teacher, getting married, having kids, I still always felt young. 18? 32? What's the difference? To an extent, that was how I felt. I mean I knew there was a difference. My life changed a lot and I was more responsible. But my core personality and feelings and tastes seemed to stay pretty much the same. I felt young. Until about 3 or 4 months ago.

I don't know what happened. It was such a drastic switch in how I felt. I mean, sure, there were subtle changes previous to this and I joked about my skin not being what it used to or how my body changed after pregnancy. But for all intensive purposes I still felt very young at heart. Then one day, BOOM, I felt...old. All of a sudden I realized my body couldn't do what it used to. I couldn't drink until two in the morning with my friends anymore. I realized that I don't really even enjoy some of those things any more, even though I still really want to enjoy them. People don't mistake me for being 21 anymore. I almost never get ID'd and I used to ALWAYS get ID'd, even if I was buying cigarettes. I wish I could give more examples, because there are more examples but, the point is, I realized that I am getting old; it finally caught up to me.

When I turned 32, 33, 34 and still felt like 21 was just back a block, I was sure that I would always feel that way. That is just my personality, I thought. I am young at heart and so will always look young and feel young. So, when this feeling of age hit me, it messed me up. And all sorts of other things accompanied this realization of my age. I started having SERIOUS emotional swings. I noticed I was thinking about the past, high school and my college years more and more. And, not just thinking about them, but really longing for those days and missing those days. Spending every moment when my brain was free painstakingly re-living every moment of certain experiences in my mind. Questioning my adult choices that brought me to this particular life I have now. Questioning my happiness and focusing on what I am missing out on. And the littlest things made me cry. Not just tear up, but serious sobbing fits over a song or commercial or something cute a student said. And so I figured that *something* had to be going on, more than just my normal mood swings or a rough patch in life. And eventually I defined it as a mid-life crisis.

I actually researched the mid-life crisis and particulary the female mid-life crisis. The research indicated that 40 years of age was the average time for the female mid-life crisis. I just figured I was four years early. I can also tell that there are some serious hormonal changes going on in me. Again, I've heard that is pretty normal as you get older and especially after you have had multiple children. I figure those hormone changes may have a lot to do with the female mid-life crisis. And possibly for males as well, I didn't research that. Anyway...

After that initial bout of crazy emotion and nostalgia and discontent things seemed to stabilize. I felt somewhat relieved and figured it was just a weird, one time, hormonal thing. I went on with life. But, since then, it keeps coming back, in waves. I go through periods of serious emotional purging, like I described above, and then it subsides for awhile again. None of these periods have upset me or bothered me as much as the first time. In fact, in some weird, self-indulgent way, I have almost come to like them. It has become an excuse to be self-indulgent, to recluse, to sit within my own mind and not really be present to those around me except when necessary. To indulge in memory, daydream and fantasy. And, at times during these emotional bouts it does hurt, the emotion is painful. And during those times I think to myself, "Oh, when is this bout going to end? I'm sick of this; it's too much." But then, when it does end, I feel empty. Bored. What now? I don't have excessive emotion and day dreams and fantasies and memories to immerse myself in. What do I do now?

I know it is ridiculous on so many levels. I mean, duh, what do I do now. Live my life. Not just live it, but suck the marrow out of it. Instead of sitting around mourning over my youth and escaping into memories and fantasies, live life to the fullest knowing that you are getting older and this life doesn't last forever. Do things! Find hobbies, exercise, spend time with your kids and family. Right? But the motivation just isn't there right now.

I realize that what I have said above makes it sound like I am merely depressed, or those of you who know a little more about me might be thinking, "Isn't that just your bi-polar disorder?" But I promise you, this is not the same. And I'm not moping around depressed like the last paragraph makes it sound. There are lots of things I do that are fun and I enjoy and am exuberant about. I still spend time with my kids and my friends. And even the recluse moments tend to be me reading (as my biggest escape from reality these days seems to be fiction) or listening to music while just thinking. When I am doing these things I am not sad. And when I am not doing them I am not sad. I feel more, like I said, bored.

Well, it is obvious to me that this subject is going to need to come in chapters. There is so much and it is hard to explain and not always linear. So, I am going to stop for now and continue on with it later. I mean, hell, I haven't even got to the "Toddler" and "Adolescence" part yet. More to come...