After posting about not liking my job, then posting about how things are really fine, I'm going to complain about my job again. Or, more so, the loss of teaching students. This doesn't change my last email. Overall I am content in life and am lucky to have a job that does suit me in some aspects (at least I am still in a school and in education). But....
I am going through a resurgence of bitterness and saddness about the new job. I just find it so ironic that the year they decide to pull me out of the classroom is the year I have my favorite students to date. I mean, I always love my students...well, love is a strong word for last year's students:) But I seriously have not EVER enjoyed a group quite as much. I will be the first to admit that in many ways my feelings are completely selfish and self-absorbed. But, I want to be the one to teach them. I want to spend the days with them. I miss them and am bummed that the connections with them will decrease...not fade, but decrease. I can already feel it. I mean, of course, they will encounter new struggles and successes that I won't be there to see. So, I won't be the one to congratulate them or help them solve their problems. They will find someone else to fill that role. And I know that there are other great teachers with them that will do a fantastic job of filling that role. But I want it to be me:(
In some ways I feel like it would almost be easier if I just cut myself off from the kids completely. But, I can't do that. Instead I am checking in with certain kids, keeping tabs on how things are going and letting them know I am keeping tabs. Maybe I can't directly help them, but at least they will know that I care, that I think it is worth my time to keep updated on what is going on with them. I will visit them sometimes too. Even though it is hard because it makes me miss them more, I know it is the right thing.
It really does me no good to dwell on how sad it makes me that I can't be with them on a daily basis and be the one to guide their reading improvement. I think that is why I have just been avoiding even thinking about it and focusing on other things, my new job, so I won't be sad because I can't change it and have no control over it. But, sometimes it crops up, when I see them, which I'm not going to stop doing. So, for a moment I will feel sad...sad more than bitter, but in the end I will move on because that is really all I can do.
