Parenting Books

I'm not a big fan of parenting books. The thing is, as you are reading all the things you should do you are thinking, "Oops, I haven't been doing that," and as you are reading all the things you shouldn't do you are thinking, "Oh no, I do that all the time," and when you stop reading your mind is flooded with thoughts of, "Oh shit! I'm a horrible parent! I'm totally ruining my kids!"

Parenting books just make you feel like a failure as a parent.

Maybe there is some value in reading them when you are pregnant for the first time, or when your first child is still a little baby. You might get some ideas on how to approach things ahead of time or feel a little more confident going into the unknown territory of parenting. But even then it can be overwhelming, logging all these things in your brain you are supposed to do and not do, how you are supposed to do them, all while dealing with the everyday stresses of pregnancy or having an infant. So many things are already set firmly inside us: our habits, our personalities, our "way" of being. Reading a parenting book might give you one or two ideas that you truly implement as you begin parenting, but no way is reading the book going to instigate you to completely change your way of being, even if your "way" has some imperfections when it comes to parenting.

But as I said, there is an argument for checking out some of those books in the beginning of your journey as a parent. However, reading a parenting book once your kid is actually in school, or when you're having a second kid. Why? According to the books all the "right" and "wrong" ways of parenting need to be instilled early and consistently. So, if I have been doing it wrong with my child for 8 years already, telling me now isn't going to do me a lot of good. In fact, it's just going to make me feel horrible and guilty for messing up my kid. And, believe me, anything that I should do differently with my second, I will have already learned with my first without reading a parenting book.

The other truth is, I've never read anything in a parenting book I didn't know. I know lots of sugar is bad for my kids. I know that it is important that my kids get enough sleep. I know what I do is much more important than what I say because children learn from what is modeled to them, not what they are told. And, of course, I know we shouldn't yell in anger.

Knowing things and doing them are two very different actions. So often, when I am reading some parenting advice I'm thinking, "I know! But how? How do I not completely lose my shit and blow my top when my toddler is screaming for me to take off her shoes but when I start to take them off she screams that SHE wants to take them off so then I stop and she screams for me to take them off again and when I do she screams at me that she didn't want them off all while my 8 year old is whining about how his little sister's screaming is hurting his ears and he is hungry and when am I going to make him lunch while absent mindedly doodling on the new table with a pen!?!?"

Even when the newest, latest parenting book comes along, I still rarely find any new gems of knowledge. You know the book I'm talking about, the one that is completely changing the way we look at parenting and invalidating all that we thought was true of parenting before. Yeah well, no it's not. The book is either full of theories that are already out there just packaged differently or it's a very old theory that has almost been forgotten about come back to re-enlighten us.

So yeah, you can keep your parenting books. All they have ever given me is sorrow, remorse, guilt, and anger. I realize the idea is that you read about the best ways to parent and use the ideas to make changes in your own parenting, that reading the book isn't supposed to make you feel horrible, it is supposed to help you evolve as a parent. But, I'm quite aware of all that I'm doing wrong and constantly working on getting better. I remind myself every day of what I should and shouldn't have done with my kids. I work on myself because that is where the "how" comes in. Nothing those books tell me I don't know, it's the application of those parenting behaviors that is hard and the only way to work on that is by working on yourself. Things like anger management, eating and exercise habits, speaking appropriately (no swearing), etc. The places I mess up as a parent are the places I mess up as a person and no parenting book is going to help me with that.

So, rather than wasting time reading a book that will deplete my self-esteem especially when it comes to the identity of "mother", I will actually work on breathing techniques, not yelling, not swearing, finding ways to get exercise including WITH the children, cooking and eating healthy meals, and just trying to be the best person I can be.

In the end, I really believe there are a lot more good parents than bad. Every single human could go to therapy, talk about their problems, and discover that the origin for many of their problems is the way they were raised or something their parents did. This isn't because every parent is bad; this is because every parent is HUMAN and humans are imperfect. Most humans that become parents love their children unconditionally and everything they do is in the pursuit of helping their children. The fact that they make mistakes in that pursuit and in some instances don't help their children is just part of life and being human.

The difference between the good parent and the bad parent is not in their actions, but in their reflections and efforts. The good parent is the parent that will take the time to read the parenting book and feel guilty that they are not a good enough parent. The bad parent already thinks they are doing everything perfectly. The good parent will constantly be reflecting on how they handled certain situations with their children and if it turned out well, how it could have turned out better, and what they would do differently next time. The bad parent doesn't reflect at all. The good parent really watches their temper and goes three days without yelling and then loses it on the fourth day and totally screams at their children and then feels horrible, apologizes, and begins again. The bad parent yells and feels totally justified in doing so.

You get my drift. And please understand, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with parenting books. There are stronger, more disciplined people than I that read parenting books and do not spiral into a void of self-depreciation and actually apply what they read and make lasting changes in their parenting. I have the utmost respect (and a little envy) for those parents. I'm just not one of them. So I will continue to avoid parenting books at all cost as I strive to be a better parent every day.

Thank you boys! Thank you

Remember the days when teachers and students could have close, almost familial relationships? Kids stayed after school to get help from the teacher, teacher's would see a student walking home and give them a ride? Well, I don't necessarily really remember that myself, but I sure have read about it in a lot of books or seen it on 50's tv shows. But seriously, I did have a teacher that lived down the street from me and I would walk to her house and hang out with her. The point is that times have changed.

In the past teachers were seen as a personal connection, sometimes almost like part of the family. Then those that abused their trusted reputation ruined it for the rest of us. Now it is inappropriate to be alone with your student or give a student a ride. It is unprofessional to get too close to your students. We have over-corrected due to the abhorrent actions of a few.

Don't get me wrong, I know that truly bad things do and have happened as a result of the power imbalance between teacher and student and the implicit trust that used to be directed at teachers. I know it is real. But there are so many dangers in life, and we shouldn't suck out all the goodness and faith in humanity to protect us from the bad. Kids will fall out of trees and break their legs, but we shouldn't stop letting kids climb trees.

I had a group of students this year that I bonded with on a level that I never have before. I seriously love them so much, like I do my own children. I mean, obviously not as much as my own children, but in the same way. I would seriously do almost anything for these kids, as long as it did not impede on my own family.

I miss them this summer. I miss hanging out with them. Just as I truly enjoy hanging out with my own kids, I loved hanging out with these kids. I would love to be able to take them hiking or give them some summer work painting the trim on my house. But just my saying these things is "unprofessional" and "inappropriate".

My son became really close with his first grade teacher and he hangs out with her sometimes. She will take him to the arcade and ice cream or they will go to a play together. I'm his mom and I have no problem with that; I think it is wonderful. Yet I know that even if I had a parent's permission to hang out with a student, it would still be frowned upon. It's not safe. What if someone decided to make a false accusation or got the wrong idea? It is SO insane.

Maybe it is different because I am a middle school teacher. Maybe it is considered different at the elementary age. And, it probably doesn't help my case that this small group of students I became so close to are all boys. But, it is who I am; I've always related with boys better.

Regardless, it is a bummer that I am not allowed, at least in terms of the agreed upon mores, to have a more personal relationship with my students outside of school. Kids all over have adult family friends whom they are close to and spend time with. Why as a teacher can we no longer be one of those family friends?

I got particularly close to one family and I did give their son rides from track practice for a few weeks. Yes, I broke the unspoken rule of being in a car alone with a student. But I had the parent's permission and was doing it because otherwise the boy could not have done track, and that kid needed track. I know they trust me. I know in a way I have become a family friend. Professionally, however, I would be doing something wrong if I pursued that family friendship.

I really, really miss those kids. In a lot of ways I am not like other people. I just don't fit in to a lot of the molds of adulthood. Those adolescents complete me and my happiness in a way nothing else could because nothing else in life fits into my wacky puzzle. I know I will never be able to hang out with them outside of school. Since the year is over, I probably won't hang out with them again at all. Every year those I bonded with so deeply in 7th grade fade away into the abyss of 8th grade. But I guess my one consolation is that there will be a new batch next year and there will be some gems in that group I bond with as well until that year comes to an end.

In a lot of ways it was a really, really tough school year. But those boys just lightened my days and lifted my spirit. I am so thankful to have spent the time I did with those kids. The last day of school was, literally, when of the best days of my life. I played basketball with the boys for about 2.5 hours and then hung out with, just them, for the last half hour of the day in my room. I feel so lucky to get to experience those kinds of moments. People that don't like or understand or work with adolescents will never get it or experience it and it is pretty special that I am one of the few that does. Thank you boys! That you for the joy you brought me this year.