Well, I planned to follow the same pattern this summer as I did last summer: regularly post on my blog and read lots of books that I post about so I can remember them. Summer is close to half way over and this is my first post.
Summer...I love it and yet I'm never satisfied and that is completely a result of my own fucked-up brain. I over think things. One of my biggest issues with myself is that when I am looking forward to something I have these specific expectations but, of course, things never turn out exactly like I expect. I mean, come on, no one can predict the future; you never know what is going to happen or how things will turn out. The differences in my experiences from my expectations are not usually bad, they are just not what I hoped for or expected so then I feel disappointed...which is totally messed up. When things turn out good, fun, I should be pleased and enjoy it. So yeah, I'm trying to work on not having specific expectations, just planning and doing the things that will be fun and enjoying them however the fun rolls out. Some days it goes well and I feel that inherent happiness, other days I can't stave off expectations and disappointment.
Here is the deal: I'm bi-polar. Now, I'm not saying that non-bi-polar people may not do exactly what I do and have the same ups and downs with it. I just know that one day I will be so happy and content with life...sitting in the sand next to a river surrounded by trees...and the next I will all of a sudden, for no good reason, feel melancholy and disappointment. I think *some* of that is chemical.
Maybe I use that as an excuse too much, but it actually makes me feel better, like, there is a reason so I can feel it, let it pass, and be ok.
So yeah, same pattern I experience, cause with my thought issues, every summer this summer. Having said that, summer is wonderful! I am having a great summer like I always do. In fact, the days of extreme heat this year do not bother me at all. I LOVE it! In fact, I find myself being a bit disappointed on the 70's days even though I used to say the 70's were the perfect temperature.
I think it is because I was really disappointed with the first week and a half of summer being rainy and overcast. It didn't feel like summer. So now, I am not complaining no matter what when the sun is shining. Also, for whatever reason, I feel like I have become more tolerant of heat while sleeping.
That used to be my big issue with the hot days, how uncomfortable it was to sleep. But, I'm just not having that issue this summer.
Another issue I have with summer is the balance between being busy and just being able to do whatever. In general, I prefer being busy, filling our days with lots of activities. I like putting my kids in a good amount of camps and classes because it gives me a little alone time or one-on-one time with just one of my kids, and it is good for them.
The truth of the matter is, Mimi is just fine whether I keep her busy or not. But Graham, Graham needs things to do. He is just not very good being at home and filling his own time. I can be a little like that too...I generally like to be busy.
So, even when the kids aren't in camps I plan the days with outings...hiking, bike rides, swimming, the river, berry picking, museums, etc. In fact, there are all these specific things I like to do with the kids in the summer and it almost feels like there is not enough time to do them all. There are very specific hikes and rides I like to take them on every summer. There is camping and the coast...the drive-in and movies in the park. The Thursday night Krueger Farm concerts. It is hard to fit it all in with camps and visits from friends or family.
So, the conundrum is, at what point does the stress of trying to fit everything in take away from the joy of actually participating in those things. On the other hand, when I just give in and go, "Oh well, I guess we aren't going to get to that this summer," I feel disappointment and regret. Again, me=fucked up in the head. I do this crap to myself by over thinking everything.
Actually, anxiety has never been my biggest issue in terms of my mental health. It has been more mania. However, as I get older and the mania naturally subsides because I think humans just naturally get less wild as they get older, anxiety has become more of an issue. Who knows, maybe I need to adjust my meds?
The bottom line is, after a lot of self-reflection on this issue I have come to the conclusion that the answer is to still plan and participate in lots of fun activities but also to be flexible and adaptable. I need to embrace the Tao. Go with the flow of the universe.
For instance, my plan today was to ride the Banks-Vernonia trail while my kids are at camp. As you all know, I love biking and taking long, solo rides through the beautiful nature that surrounds my wonderful city. It is a rare opportunity to have the whole day to myself to do this. I had a wonderful time doing just this (biking all day though on a different trail) on Tuesday.
However, I woke up this morning and just didn't feel it. It kind of bothers me and makes me feel guilty. "You're no lazy butt! You LOVE to be active. This is a rare opportunity. How can you let it pass by?" But in the end, I went with the Tao. I listened to myself and followed the path that felt "right" to me.
Instead, I am going to tidy up the house and laundry a bit, get some little things done...paying some bills, getting some reservations made. Then, I think I am going to lay in the back yard in my bikini and read my book. I mean, my legs, face, and arms are crazy tan but the middle section needs some serious work!
Being productive isn't my favorite way to spend alone time, but it is more enjoyable, easier, and quicker to get things done when no one else is around. AND if I get that stuff done the weekend and future days will be more enjoyable because I won't have to worry about any of it. After being productive, I will still have time to read and tan and, you know what? There will be other opportunities to bike...maybe a weekend day that Kyle takes the kids or maybe Graham and I do the trail together some day.
I also have to remember that if we don't get to all the activities I want us to this summer, it is not like September and October and not still beautiful. There are weekends every week in the fall, right?
So yeah, this blog post was kind of full of nothing and went nowhere. There are a bazillion other things I have in my head to write about, but I think I will stop here for now. I'm sure that now that I have started posting again I will have the urge to do it regularly and find time to post about all the other stuff in my head. Now for productive time and then a little relaxing time.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Sunday, October 27, 2013
My Moodiness and Hypocrisy
The first quarter of the school year ends this week. I can't fucking believe it. The school year just started, didn't it? And yet, summer does feel so far in the past.
It is actually a good thing, however, that the quarter is ending. Sometimes the passing of time is a sad thing, but sometimes it means getting closer to events, times, activities we look forward to and, of course, the things we look forward to are what keep us going in this monotonous life.
Overall this school year is good so far. It's very different though, than years past. I mean I've been working in the same room on the same team for eight years and there have been changes along the way, but for the most part it was always business as usual. However, with a new principal and brand-new teammate, things are shaking up a little bit, and that is actually a good thing.
Overall we really do have great kids this year. It is easy to forget that when there are a few standouts that are some of the roughest I have ever had. Also, I have one class that contains pretty much ALL the kids with behaviors (except two) and none of the kids are bad, I like them all. It's just hard when you have to juggle them all at once.
I started getting particularly emotional and "moody" right at the end of summer and it never went away, which I expected it to. In some ways I'm concerned and wondering about it. Why? Do I need to adjust my meds? I haven't gone to therapy in a long time. On the other hand, I think I might actually have an inkling of what is going on and just not quite wanting to admit it to myself. I certainly won't share that here.
There is also just the difference of this school year, which is in no way bad, but I can totally see how it might trigger my brain to go a little wacky for awhile until the new becomes the normal.
I've lost a lot of weight. I do feel really, really good about it. I've lost 17 pounds, maybe more as I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. That elusive place of being able to listen to my body and be moderate...well, I think I've finally reached it. I truly never thought I would but it has become normal and, to an extent, easy. Of course, every time I think that I start to panic that I am jumping the gun and I'm still going to stumble back into my old ways. But for now, it seems like I kind of have it down.
Granted, I've lost 17 pounds since last February...that's 9 months, a pretty long time for 17 pounds. I've realized, however, that what experts say is true; losing it slowly is the way to go. I think maybe that is why I can finally live and eat normally, because I've given my body the time to really acclimate and adjust to what it is supposed to be and feel. Along the way I've lost, then maintained for awhile, then lost a little more, then maintained for awhile. I really think that is the key.
So, a couple of my pros about the whole weight loss thing then I'm going to get to the negative. I know, backwards, one really should end with the positive.
I can't tell you how much fun it is to go clothes shopping now. To be able to fit into most anything, to realize the size I brought into the dressing room is too big. It is also wonderful how so many of my clothes fit me now (or are even too big now). I'm one of those people that keep my clothes forever, even when they don't fit, but now they do!
On the other hand, there are still a few things I really, really want to wear that I just don't feel attractive in yet. Despite the weight loss, I still have this immensely unattractive, loose skinned belly. Some of it really is loose, stretched out skin that now has no, or less, padding underneath it. I still have weight to lose, though, and I realize that unless I start doing different kinds of exercise, core strengthening and all that, that unattractive middle will stay there. It is just hard enough to fit in the cardio I do everyday that I am not sure how to fit in more. I mean, I know, you can always make time.
Also, I really, really, really, wish I could run. It SUCKS that I can't run because the truth is, I'm not really in that great of shape despite exercising all the time. I need to do something to really get my heart pumping. So, I've decided to go back to the gym thing so I can use the elliptical. It will be the best way to get the cardio I want without hurting my knee. But I HATE the gym. If I"m going to exercise I want to be outside or in my own house. But if I really want to go for it with my body, this is the best way. I can also do more core and strength training at a gym.
The thing is, back to the positive, I never expected to come this far. For that, I am ecstatic. I've already gone past my original goal and feel like I can keep going and that is marvelous and amazing. Yet, again, I never expected that if I got this far my body would still look this, well, chubby. I know part of it is being older and I know part of it is losing weight purely on diet and biking rather than the intense physical activity I once participated in.
I know that people that know me are starting to notice how much thinner I am. But to someone that just sees me walking along, they are still going to see what most would consider an overweight person. According to my BMI I am still overweight, but only for two more pounds. Anyway, I feel bi-polar about my weight loss just like everything else. Part of me is proud and uber happy, the other is disappointed and feels it isn't good enough.
I will say that I do feel confident, sexy. I feel really good about the way I look, well not naked but...
Finally, I'm really weird about talking about my weight loss. I mean, I'm writing all about it here and I did advertise this blog on facebook early in the summer, so I certainly can't say I'm trying to hide my weight loss journey. But there is this weird, proud side of me that is embarrassed that I am trying to lose weight. I guess I'm embarrassed that I need to; I don't want to admit that I wasn't perfectly happy with myself the way I was. I also don't trust people when they compliment me, especially if they know I was trying to lose weight. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. Yet, I want to be complimented and acknowledged. I want others to think I look as good as I do. It is a conundrum because I want it, but I'll never trust it. I say I don't want people to talk tome about it, but when they do I start boasting about it because I crave that positive validation.
I have a friend that I've been giving a lot of shit to about his obsession with appearances. He doesn't really have an obsession, actually he's somewhat normal for a man of his age. But I'm not unaware of my own hypocrisy. Don't get me wrong, I have my reasons for getting on his case and I think they are very valid. And I am certainly not claiming to him or to anyone that appearances don't matter at all. BUT...god I want to be beautiful. Truly, I do think I'm beautiful, but want everyone else to think so as well, and that is kind of shallow and goes completely against much of what I stand for. I take great pride in the fact that people respect me and are attracted to me for my strength, confidence, intelligence, and personality. I've never had trouble attracting people or gaining their respect, not in a professional, friendly, or sexual/romantic way. I don't want to be sought after for my looks. I almost stand on a pedestal and think I am better because I'm sought after for the other qualities more than for my looks. I guess I justify still wanting to be seen as beautiful because if I was still me but super beautiful as well I would be fucking AWESOME because I'd be that cool, confident, smart, funny, low maintenance chick that was ALSO beautiful. Oh well, I'm only human I guess.
But yes, I want to be beautiful, or more beautiful I guess I should say. And I actually see it, the possibility of reaching that goal through weight loss.It's possibly a pipe dream; is going from a cute girl who people see as a little chubby to a cute girl that people see as normal sized really going to elevate me to the status of gorgeous? Probably not. It is also shallow and vain that I want to be seen that way. And this all ties back in to why it makes me uncomfortable to be acknowledged for my weight loss or asked or to talk about it at all except with a very few people.
Ok, I've rambled on enough. I'm out.
It is actually a good thing, however, that the quarter is ending. Sometimes the passing of time is a sad thing, but sometimes it means getting closer to events, times, activities we look forward to and, of course, the things we look forward to are what keep us going in this monotonous life.
Overall this school year is good so far. It's very different though, than years past. I mean I've been working in the same room on the same team for eight years and there have been changes along the way, but for the most part it was always business as usual. However, with a new principal and brand-new teammate, things are shaking up a little bit, and that is actually a good thing.
Overall we really do have great kids this year. It is easy to forget that when there are a few standouts that are some of the roughest I have ever had. Also, I have one class that contains pretty much ALL the kids with behaviors (except two) and none of the kids are bad, I like them all. It's just hard when you have to juggle them all at once.
I started getting particularly emotional and "moody" right at the end of summer and it never went away, which I expected it to. In some ways I'm concerned and wondering about it. Why? Do I need to adjust my meds? I haven't gone to therapy in a long time. On the other hand, I think I might actually have an inkling of what is going on and just not quite wanting to admit it to myself. I certainly won't share that here.
There is also just the difference of this school year, which is in no way bad, but I can totally see how it might trigger my brain to go a little wacky for awhile until the new becomes the normal.
I've lost a lot of weight. I do feel really, really good about it. I've lost 17 pounds, maybe more as I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. That elusive place of being able to listen to my body and be moderate...well, I think I've finally reached it. I truly never thought I would but it has become normal and, to an extent, easy. Of course, every time I think that I start to panic that I am jumping the gun and I'm still going to stumble back into my old ways. But for now, it seems like I kind of have it down.
Granted, I've lost 17 pounds since last February...that's 9 months, a pretty long time for 17 pounds. I've realized, however, that what experts say is true; losing it slowly is the way to go. I think maybe that is why I can finally live and eat normally, because I've given my body the time to really acclimate and adjust to what it is supposed to be and feel. Along the way I've lost, then maintained for awhile, then lost a little more, then maintained for awhile. I really think that is the key.
So, a couple of my pros about the whole weight loss thing then I'm going to get to the negative. I know, backwards, one really should end with the positive.
I can't tell you how much fun it is to go clothes shopping now. To be able to fit into most anything, to realize the size I brought into the dressing room is too big. It is also wonderful how so many of my clothes fit me now (or are even too big now). I'm one of those people that keep my clothes forever, even when they don't fit, but now they do!
On the other hand, there are still a few things I really, really want to wear that I just don't feel attractive in yet. Despite the weight loss, I still have this immensely unattractive, loose skinned belly. Some of it really is loose, stretched out skin that now has no, or less, padding underneath it. I still have weight to lose, though, and I realize that unless I start doing different kinds of exercise, core strengthening and all that, that unattractive middle will stay there. It is just hard enough to fit in the cardio I do everyday that I am not sure how to fit in more. I mean, I know, you can always make time.
Also, I really, really, really, wish I could run. It SUCKS that I can't run because the truth is, I'm not really in that great of shape despite exercising all the time. I need to do something to really get my heart pumping. So, I've decided to go back to the gym thing so I can use the elliptical. It will be the best way to get the cardio I want without hurting my knee. But I HATE the gym. If I"m going to exercise I want to be outside or in my own house. But if I really want to go for it with my body, this is the best way. I can also do more core and strength training at a gym.
The thing is, back to the positive, I never expected to come this far. For that, I am ecstatic. I've already gone past my original goal and feel like I can keep going and that is marvelous and amazing. Yet, again, I never expected that if I got this far my body would still look this, well, chubby. I know part of it is being older and I know part of it is losing weight purely on diet and biking rather than the intense physical activity I once participated in.
I know that people that know me are starting to notice how much thinner I am. But to someone that just sees me walking along, they are still going to see what most would consider an overweight person. According to my BMI I am still overweight, but only for two more pounds. Anyway, I feel bi-polar about my weight loss just like everything else. Part of me is proud and uber happy, the other is disappointed and feels it isn't good enough.
I will say that I do feel confident, sexy. I feel really good about the way I look, well not naked but...
Finally, I'm really weird about talking about my weight loss. I mean, I'm writing all about it here and I did advertise this blog on facebook early in the summer, so I certainly can't say I'm trying to hide my weight loss journey. But there is this weird, proud side of me that is embarrassed that I am trying to lose weight. I guess I'm embarrassed that I need to; I don't want to admit that I wasn't perfectly happy with myself the way I was. I also don't trust people when they compliment me, especially if they know I was trying to lose weight. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. Yet, I want to be complimented and acknowledged. I want others to think I look as good as I do. It is a conundrum because I want it, but I'll never trust it. I say I don't want people to talk tome about it, but when they do I start boasting about it because I crave that positive validation.
I have a friend that I've been giving a lot of shit to about his obsession with appearances. He doesn't really have an obsession, actually he's somewhat normal for a man of his age. But I'm not unaware of my own hypocrisy. Don't get me wrong, I have my reasons for getting on his case and I think they are very valid. And I am certainly not claiming to him or to anyone that appearances don't matter at all. BUT...god I want to be beautiful. Truly, I do think I'm beautiful, but want everyone else to think so as well, and that is kind of shallow and goes completely against much of what I stand for. I take great pride in the fact that people respect me and are attracted to me for my strength, confidence, intelligence, and personality. I've never had trouble attracting people or gaining their respect, not in a professional, friendly, or sexual/romantic way. I don't want to be sought after for my looks. I almost stand on a pedestal and think I am better because I'm sought after for the other qualities more than for my looks. I guess I justify still wanting to be seen as beautiful because if I was still me but super beautiful as well I would be fucking AWESOME because I'd be that cool, confident, smart, funny, low maintenance chick that was ALSO beautiful. Oh well, I'm only human I guess.
But yes, I want to be beautiful, or more beautiful I guess I should say. And I actually see it, the possibility of reaching that goal through weight loss.It's possibly a pipe dream; is going from a cute girl who people see as a little chubby to a cute girl that people see as normal sized really going to elevate me to the status of gorgeous? Probably not. It is also shallow and vain that I want to be seen that way. And this all ties back in to why it makes me uncomfortable to be acknowledged for my weight loss or asked or to talk about it at all except with a very few people.
Ok, I've rambled on enough. I'm out.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Me Time
I've been really emotional lately, and I'm just not quite sure why. I don't want to say I'm feeling depressed, because that isn't true. I've been teary and feeling like crying a lot, not necessarily sad crying, more a "that's really touching" crying although there isn't always something specific that I'm teary about. What I'm feeling is more of a longing than sadness. Longing for what? I don't know. That is what makes it frustrating.
Back in the day, before I realized there was a chemical contribution to my fluctuating emotions, what made it so hard was feeling like I was out of control. I didn't understand where the feelings were coming from so there was nothing I could do about it, no productive way to respond. As a medicated adult with access to great therapy I've regained a sense of control. I can't control my emotions, but I understand there is a chemical aspect that makes my emotional responses a little more extreme and, generally, I can pinpoint a few external factors that are triggering the emotions. Just knowing makes me feel in control and I know the extreme emotion will pass.
I want to reiterate that I am not sad. In fact, my life is pretty damn awesome right now. Things are going really good for me and I feel like I'm in great control of my life right now. BUT...this is the first time in a while I have had that feeling like I have no control over or understanding of my emotions. In fact, life being so great right now is part of the reason I feel so out of control, because I DON'T understand where this longing and surge of emotion is coming from.
There is this gnawing void in my gut and it is palpable; I physically feel it. Where is it coming from? What is it exactly that I want? And if I'm not going to find the answers to those questions then at least, when is it going to go away?
The truth is, I'm kind of an emotion junkie and for awhile, I was digging this. I liked feeling all pensive and emotional and DEEP. I was kind of enjoying escaping into myself, into my mind, just thinking and FEELING. But, usually it doesn't last this long, especially if there is no obvious external trigger.Now, I'm just sick of it. It's draining and I'm sick of feeling so much.
Epiphany! I'm sitting in my room, trying to write this, and my children are constantly coming in and interrupting me. I get almost zero ME time. Seriously, I almost never get to just be alone and do what I want. Kyle and I also almost never get alone US time. Me time is definitely part of what I am longing for. I don't think that explains everything. However, I think if I had more alone time it would calm my brain, relax the chemical reactions, and therefore lesson the emotional state. It also might give me more time to get to the bottom of the possible external factors.
So, that was my alone time for today. Now I'm going to go clean the house, even though I don't want to, because it needs to be cleaned and I will feel better afterwards.
Back in the day, before I realized there was a chemical contribution to my fluctuating emotions, what made it so hard was feeling like I was out of control. I didn't understand where the feelings were coming from so there was nothing I could do about it, no productive way to respond. As a medicated adult with access to great therapy I've regained a sense of control. I can't control my emotions, but I understand there is a chemical aspect that makes my emotional responses a little more extreme and, generally, I can pinpoint a few external factors that are triggering the emotions. Just knowing makes me feel in control and I know the extreme emotion will pass.
I want to reiterate that I am not sad. In fact, my life is pretty damn awesome right now. Things are going really good for me and I feel like I'm in great control of my life right now. BUT...this is the first time in a while I have had that feeling like I have no control over or understanding of my emotions. In fact, life being so great right now is part of the reason I feel so out of control, because I DON'T understand where this longing and surge of emotion is coming from.
There is this gnawing void in my gut and it is palpable; I physically feel it. Where is it coming from? What is it exactly that I want? And if I'm not going to find the answers to those questions then at least, when is it going to go away?
The truth is, I'm kind of an emotion junkie and for awhile, I was digging this. I liked feeling all pensive and emotional and DEEP. I was kind of enjoying escaping into myself, into my mind, just thinking and FEELING. But, usually it doesn't last this long, especially if there is no obvious external trigger.Now, I'm just sick of it. It's draining and I'm sick of feeling so much.
Epiphany! I'm sitting in my room, trying to write this, and my children are constantly coming in and interrupting me. I get almost zero ME time. Seriously, I almost never get to just be alone and do what I want. Kyle and I also almost never get alone US time. Me time is definitely part of what I am longing for. I don't think that explains everything. However, I think if I had more alone time it would calm my brain, relax the chemical reactions, and therefore lesson the emotional state. It also might give me more time to get to the bottom of the possible external factors.
So, that was my alone time for today. Now I'm going to go clean the house, even though I don't want to, because it needs to be cleaned and I will feel better afterwards.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
I'm Really Going To Write This Blog This Time
I have started a new post and then deleted it about three times already. Sometimes the things in my head are so intense and all over the place, it's just not the right time to write even though when they're that intense I really, really, want to get them out.
Maybe the reason I feel I can write today is because I have some more tangible places I can start, discussing what I'm actually doing or going to do today rather than just trying to organize jumbled thoughts and emotions.
Right now my son is at his call-back audition for Northwest Children's Theater's kid's drama company which is called Kid's Company. I'm nervous for him but very proud of him. I really think drama is his niche; he is naturally talented when it comes to standing up in front of people and being charismatic. Whenever he gives speeches at school he always WOWS his teachers because he adds in that dramatic flair and often uses props. I think he has a really good chance of making it, but I also really want him to understand that it is ok if he doesn't. It doesn't mean he isn't good or he messed up. I'm proud of him no matter what but he is still a novice and it might take more time. I, of course, told him all of this before he went to the auditions today.
So I am sitting here at a coffee shop FINALLY writing this blog. The thing is, I don't have to go back to pick him up until 2 and I totally could go home and clean or help Kyle out with the little monster (Mimi). I probably should. Kyle is totally hungover (though I am a bit too) and I feel kind of guilty just taking the next three hours to myself. It's kind of selfish of me. But I'm going to do it anyway. I just feel like I NEED it today and I totally don't feel like being at home or even going on some activity with Mimi. I just don't think I have the patience today.
I guess part of the way I justify hanging with myself today is that I just finished my first week of school (as a teacher). Teaching is exhausting. Period point blank. Sometimes I forget how exhausting it is over the summer. I think that is the intangible thing about teaching that makes it so hard and that those who don't teach don't understand. Sure, we get a lot of vacation and maybe we don't work as many hours as some other people (but we definitely work more than 40 hours a week during the school year). But what I think a lot of people don't understand is that when you are teaching you are ON all day. Adding in supervision you get about 25 minutes for lunch and that is pretty much it for breaks. Yes, we get a 45 minute prep, but there is shit to do so it really isn't a break. And when you are ON you are expending a lot of energy that I'm not even sure how to describe. Emotional energy maybe? These kids need so much from me: love, discipline, patience, understanding, connection, and more. Giving all that at once to 170 kids at a time (or at least 35 in a class at once) is very, very draining. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. It is ok that these kids need all those things. Kids are supposed to need a lot of things. And believe me, when it comes to the students, I love my job. I love giving them those things. The way public education is going these days, it is really the ONLY reason I do it anymore. Giving these kids what they need is super rewarding and pretty ego boosting at times as well.
OK, good, this is working. See, the best way for me to organize my thoughts enough to pin-point what I need to talk about is to start with the tangible and eventually it will connect me to a single thought/emotion that I can then articulate because it is not jumbled with all the others. So here it is. I think as an adult I often feel like I'm not getting enough validation. I mean, I'm a big girl. You grow up and you are not supposed to need the intense kind of validation we give kids. Maybe it is a sign of my immaturity or because I'm self-absorbed or because my mom over-did the validation when I was a kid so I feel like I need more. I don't know. But sometimes I feel empty and want to be boosted up with praise and validation. As adults I don't think we get a lot of that from each other. I mean, we do, but not the really intense, emotional validation I'm looking for. So now to tie it back to what I was talking about before. That's why I think I need teaching and my students. They are the ones who give me that intense validation I so desperately crave. Though there are definitely adults I would like to get more of it from, the students simultaneously empty me and fill me back up.
I've talked about this before I previous blogs I've written, though its been a few years. I really miss the emotional connections younger friendships created. Those friendships I had from about the age of 15 to 24 were the best friendships of my life. Those friendships are not gone; I am still very good friends with the most important people of that time in my life. But the friendships have changed. Of course they have changed. We grew up, got careers, started families of our own, moved away from one another. There is no way we could have maintained the intensity of those relationships. But god I miss it.
I think for a lot of people they feel your spouse should fill that void. Your spouse becomes the person you have that intense, deep, emotional relationship with. And yes, your spouse should be your friend and in a good major he/she is. But it is still not the same; it's just not.
I miss porch philosophy with Seth. I miss midnight hiking with Ben. I miss driving around all night with Melinda getting really, you know, DEEP. I miss getting drunk and all sentimental and hugging and telling each other how much we love each other and how special our friendships are. I don't know that we CAN'T do that anymore, but it is more difficult and we don't. Of course, none of them live near me so yeah, that's a problem. When I do see them the time is somewhat limited, often our kids are there, and I do think there is some societal block we all feel that you aren't SUPPOSED to do those things anymore.
I do have a few close friends here in Portland. I mean, it's not the same because they didn't grow up with me and go through all my shit with me like Seth, Ben, and Melinda. But they have still become really good friends. Again though, it is just not the same. We go out drinking sometimes but generally temper ourselves and don't get too crazy. We certainly don't have deep, philosophical discussions at 2 in the morning in the park. Why? Well one, I have a family and can't be staying out until 2 very often. But I COULD do it every once in a while. Maybe my friends aren't quite as philosophical as me or in their adult wisdom feel like they've already hashed all that out and there isn't much to talk about anymore. I don't know. Maybe they think I don't want to or can't because I have a family. I'm just not sure. I definitely haven't made those kind of connections with them where the friendship is based on those deep, emotional, meaning of life discussions because I wasn't an adolescent or teen with them and, of course, that is when your brain is really wrapping its head around that stuff and that's what you really NEED your friends for.
But I feel like I still need it.
Again, I really may speak to the fact that I never really grew out of adolescence. I mean, I matured, became more responsible, etc. I had to. But a lot of those other things, emotions, questions that others grow out of, I didn't.
So, I'm really emotional, pensive, nostalgic right now. I have been for awhile. Maybe the last three weeks. I know it started with the impending transition. Transition is always hard for me. School year to summer. Summer to school year. I LIKE change. I need it. But it is still hard. It's like even though these things end and begin yearly, I still have to mourn the loss EVERY TIME. I have to mourn the loss of another group of students that I grew to love moving on. Our I have to mourn the loss of summer and sleeping in and reading and outside, outside, outside.
Speaking of outside, once I realized I was going to be selfish today and take it all to myself I decided that after I right this blog in the coffee shop I am going to head up to Washington Park and take a solitary hike. One of my two favorite things to do in the world. I totally wore the wrong shoes because it wasn't even on my radar that I could do that if I wanted but, oh well. I once hiked up a steep, snowy trail in Danskos. So yeah, I can go to my sanctuary (outdoors) and muse in my mind and cry without anyone seeing me (hopefully) and, you know, immerse myself in the emotion which I have to admit, I like to do even if it makes me feel kind of sad or confused.
I digress. Transition. I started getting emotional because I knew transition was coming. And honestly, I ran out of my meds and didn't take them for two days AND had PMS. All those things were the impetus. But I did transition back into school smoothly, and I have my meds and the PMS is gone, but the emotional state persists and that's ok. I think I need to go through one of these a few times a year just to get it all out. It's cathartic.
I think that's all for now. There are still jumbles, lots of jumbles in my head and some of they may not even be possible to articulate. But this helped. I got some of it out.
Maybe the reason I feel I can write today is because I have some more tangible places I can start, discussing what I'm actually doing or going to do today rather than just trying to organize jumbled thoughts and emotions.
Right now my son is at his call-back audition for Northwest Children's Theater's kid's drama company which is called Kid's Company. I'm nervous for him but very proud of him. I really think drama is his niche; he is naturally talented when it comes to standing up in front of people and being charismatic. Whenever he gives speeches at school he always WOWS his teachers because he adds in that dramatic flair and often uses props. I think he has a really good chance of making it, but I also really want him to understand that it is ok if he doesn't. It doesn't mean he isn't good or he messed up. I'm proud of him no matter what but he is still a novice and it might take more time. I, of course, told him all of this before he went to the auditions today.
So I am sitting here at a coffee shop FINALLY writing this blog. The thing is, I don't have to go back to pick him up until 2 and I totally could go home and clean or help Kyle out with the little monster (Mimi). I probably should. Kyle is totally hungover (though I am a bit too) and I feel kind of guilty just taking the next three hours to myself. It's kind of selfish of me. But I'm going to do it anyway. I just feel like I NEED it today and I totally don't feel like being at home or even going on some activity with Mimi. I just don't think I have the patience today.
I guess part of the way I justify hanging with myself today is that I just finished my first week of school (as a teacher). Teaching is exhausting. Period point blank. Sometimes I forget how exhausting it is over the summer. I think that is the intangible thing about teaching that makes it so hard and that those who don't teach don't understand. Sure, we get a lot of vacation and maybe we don't work as many hours as some other people (but we definitely work more than 40 hours a week during the school year). But what I think a lot of people don't understand is that when you are teaching you are ON all day. Adding in supervision you get about 25 minutes for lunch and that is pretty much it for breaks. Yes, we get a 45 minute prep, but there is shit to do so it really isn't a break. And when you are ON you are expending a lot of energy that I'm not even sure how to describe. Emotional energy maybe? These kids need so much from me: love, discipline, patience, understanding, connection, and more. Giving all that at once to 170 kids at a time (or at least 35 in a class at once) is very, very draining. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. It is ok that these kids need all those things. Kids are supposed to need a lot of things. And believe me, when it comes to the students, I love my job. I love giving them those things. The way public education is going these days, it is really the ONLY reason I do it anymore. Giving these kids what they need is super rewarding and pretty ego boosting at times as well.
OK, good, this is working. See, the best way for me to organize my thoughts enough to pin-point what I need to talk about is to start with the tangible and eventually it will connect me to a single thought/emotion that I can then articulate because it is not jumbled with all the others. So here it is. I think as an adult I often feel like I'm not getting enough validation. I mean, I'm a big girl. You grow up and you are not supposed to need the intense kind of validation we give kids. Maybe it is a sign of my immaturity or because I'm self-absorbed or because my mom over-did the validation when I was a kid so I feel like I need more. I don't know. But sometimes I feel empty and want to be boosted up with praise and validation. As adults I don't think we get a lot of that from each other. I mean, we do, but not the really intense, emotional validation I'm looking for. So now to tie it back to what I was talking about before. That's why I think I need teaching and my students. They are the ones who give me that intense validation I so desperately crave. Though there are definitely adults I would like to get more of it from, the students simultaneously empty me and fill me back up.
I've talked about this before I previous blogs I've written, though its been a few years. I really miss the emotional connections younger friendships created. Those friendships I had from about the age of 15 to 24 were the best friendships of my life. Those friendships are not gone; I am still very good friends with the most important people of that time in my life. But the friendships have changed. Of course they have changed. We grew up, got careers, started families of our own, moved away from one another. There is no way we could have maintained the intensity of those relationships. But god I miss it.
I think for a lot of people they feel your spouse should fill that void. Your spouse becomes the person you have that intense, deep, emotional relationship with. And yes, your spouse should be your friend and in a good major he/she is. But it is still not the same; it's just not.
I miss porch philosophy with Seth. I miss midnight hiking with Ben. I miss driving around all night with Melinda getting really, you know, DEEP. I miss getting drunk and all sentimental and hugging and telling each other how much we love each other and how special our friendships are. I don't know that we CAN'T do that anymore, but it is more difficult and we don't. Of course, none of them live near me so yeah, that's a problem. When I do see them the time is somewhat limited, often our kids are there, and I do think there is some societal block we all feel that you aren't SUPPOSED to do those things anymore.
I do have a few close friends here in Portland. I mean, it's not the same because they didn't grow up with me and go through all my shit with me like Seth, Ben, and Melinda. But they have still become really good friends. Again though, it is just not the same. We go out drinking sometimes but generally temper ourselves and don't get too crazy. We certainly don't have deep, philosophical discussions at 2 in the morning in the park. Why? Well one, I have a family and can't be staying out until 2 very often. But I COULD do it every once in a while. Maybe my friends aren't quite as philosophical as me or in their adult wisdom feel like they've already hashed all that out and there isn't much to talk about anymore. I don't know. Maybe they think I don't want to or can't because I have a family. I'm just not sure. I definitely haven't made those kind of connections with them where the friendship is based on those deep, emotional, meaning of life discussions because I wasn't an adolescent or teen with them and, of course, that is when your brain is really wrapping its head around that stuff and that's what you really NEED your friends for.
But I feel like I still need it.
Again, I really may speak to the fact that I never really grew out of adolescence. I mean, I matured, became more responsible, etc. I had to. But a lot of those other things, emotions, questions that others grow out of, I didn't.
So, I'm really emotional, pensive, nostalgic right now. I have been for awhile. Maybe the last three weeks. I know it started with the impending transition. Transition is always hard for me. School year to summer. Summer to school year. I LIKE change. I need it. But it is still hard. It's like even though these things end and begin yearly, I still have to mourn the loss EVERY TIME. I have to mourn the loss of another group of students that I grew to love moving on. Our I have to mourn the loss of summer and sleeping in and reading and outside, outside, outside.
Speaking of outside, once I realized I was going to be selfish today and take it all to myself I decided that after I right this blog in the coffee shop I am going to head up to Washington Park and take a solitary hike. One of my two favorite things to do in the world. I totally wore the wrong shoes because it wasn't even on my radar that I could do that if I wanted but, oh well. I once hiked up a steep, snowy trail in Danskos. So yeah, I can go to my sanctuary (outdoors) and muse in my mind and cry without anyone seeing me (hopefully) and, you know, immerse myself in the emotion which I have to admit, I like to do even if it makes me feel kind of sad or confused.
I digress. Transition. I started getting emotional because I knew transition was coming. And honestly, I ran out of my meds and didn't take them for two days AND had PMS. All those things were the impetus. But I did transition back into school smoothly, and I have my meds and the PMS is gone, but the emotional state persists and that's ok. I think I need to go through one of these a few times a year just to get it all out. It's cathartic.
I think that's all for now. There are still jumbles, lots of jumbles in my head and some of they may not even be possible to articulate. But this helped. I got some of it out.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Summer, and probably posts, winding down
My brain is completely jumbled right now. It has been for the last week or so, ever since we returned from SLC. What I should be doing is writing a "to do" list but my thoughts are so scrambled that I don't even know what to write down.
To be fair, I did just get a lot of administrivia done. I paid PSU for my 3 credit class and sent an email to my HR department inquiring how to get reimbursed and how to submit my credits so I can move up the pay scale. I filled out Mimi's school registration packet and sent it and I budgeted for the rest of summer. Now my brain is kind of burnt out and I've hit a wall.
The last week was really tough. I've felt agitated more than sad, but I think underlying that agitation is a sadness that summer is almost over.
The truth of the matter is, I'm sick of my kids. Well, that is not exactly true; I'm just sick of being with them SO MUCH, of being a stay at home mom, definitely not something I was meant to do year round. So, in some ways, it is good that it is almost time to go back to work. I mean, it IS time. Yet, that still means another summer gone by, the passage of time. It means that in a few months I won't feel the sun on my skin so often, my tan will fade, biking/hiking/camping will decrease, free time will decrease, and the stress of work will resume. So I'm sure subconsciously I am feeling some anxiety about all of that and I also think that I start to panic at this time of summer because I'm worried I didn't get enough out of summer. Did we camp/hike as much as we could have? Was I outside enough? Did I relax enough? I know it sounds weird but, seriously, I start to worry that I *wasted* my summer or didn't do as much as I should have (despite being uber busy and probably only needing more chill/relaxation time).
So, back to last week; there was a combo of pms, a missed day of meds, home from vacation and trying to get back into routine, sick of my kids, and subconscious sadness about the end of summer. The only time last week I think I was in a good mood was when the kids and I were hiking through Powell Butte. I guess I also had a pretty good time at Ski Bowl. However, I don't think I was that much fun to be with; sorry kids.
Yesterday the kids and I went on a long bike ride and that felt REALLY good. I was pretty happy yesterday because of that and I'm taking today to just get my shit together and chill so I can enjoy the rest of the week. But I'm still discombobulated from the last week, trying to organize my thoughts.
I totally blew health last week because of the previously mentioned bad mood. I'm not stressing too much about it though. I haven't weighed myself since I was in Utah, about two weeks ago. At that point I was maintaining my lowest weight, so that's good. I don't think I've made any progress since then but I think I can at least maintain where I am until I am ready to push on again.
I read a fantastic book last week. "What They Always Tell Us" just advertises itself as a YA fiction book, focused on brothers. However, it is also a book about a 16 year old boy discovering he is gay and realizing that his depression has come from not acknowledging or understanding that "missing piece" of himself. The book was so touching and realistic and dealt with multiple characters and their emotions and the realities of life not being perfect but still having hope. "...life will always be that way---fleeting happiness surrounded by the ever-present reality of life, with all of its problems and difficulties and shitty occurrences."
So yeah, there is this permeating sadness and emotional presence surrounding me, but I guess that is ok. Mainly I just want to be on my bike or hiking, as usual, but that isn't always easy with kids. Mimi doesn't just want to sit in the trailer day after day and the kids like hiking, but again, not every day. Seriously, those two things are the only two things that really fill my battery. Luckily, later this week my friend is going to watch Mimi and I am going to go on a long bike ride. Graham is in a camp this week which is kind of a good thing.
So, I don't really know what else to say. There is still fun to be had this summer such as Graham and I rafting the Clackamas on Saturday. There are still camping trips to fit in and the beginning of school doesn't mean the end of hiking, biking, and playing; the weather stays good until November. In fact I really love the way the natural world looks during fall. So, hopefully now that I have purged, my brain is untangled enough to write that "to do" list.
To be fair, I did just get a lot of administrivia done. I paid PSU for my 3 credit class and sent an email to my HR department inquiring how to get reimbursed and how to submit my credits so I can move up the pay scale. I filled out Mimi's school registration packet and sent it and I budgeted for the rest of summer. Now my brain is kind of burnt out and I've hit a wall.
The last week was really tough. I've felt agitated more than sad, but I think underlying that agitation is a sadness that summer is almost over.
The truth of the matter is, I'm sick of my kids. Well, that is not exactly true; I'm just sick of being with them SO MUCH, of being a stay at home mom, definitely not something I was meant to do year round. So, in some ways, it is good that it is almost time to go back to work. I mean, it IS time. Yet, that still means another summer gone by, the passage of time. It means that in a few months I won't feel the sun on my skin so often, my tan will fade, biking/hiking/camping will decrease, free time will decrease, and the stress of work will resume. So I'm sure subconsciously I am feeling some anxiety about all of that and I also think that I start to panic at this time of summer because I'm worried I didn't get enough out of summer. Did we camp/hike as much as we could have? Was I outside enough? Did I relax enough? I know it sounds weird but, seriously, I start to worry that I *wasted* my summer or didn't do as much as I should have (despite being uber busy and probably only needing more chill/relaxation time).
So, back to last week; there was a combo of pms, a missed day of meds, home from vacation and trying to get back into routine, sick of my kids, and subconscious sadness about the end of summer. The only time last week I think I was in a good mood was when the kids and I were hiking through Powell Butte. I guess I also had a pretty good time at Ski Bowl. However, I don't think I was that much fun to be with; sorry kids.
Yesterday the kids and I went on a long bike ride and that felt REALLY good. I was pretty happy yesterday because of that and I'm taking today to just get my shit together and chill so I can enjoy the rest of the week. But I'm still discombobulated from the last week, trying to organize my thoughts.
I totally blew health last week because of the previously mentioned bad mood. I'm not stressing too much about it though. I haven't weighed myself since I was in Utah, about two weeks ago. At that point I was maintaining my lowest weight, so that's good. I don't think I've made any progress since then but I think I can at least maintain where I am until I am ready to push on again.
I read a fantastic book last week. "What They Always Tell Us" just advertises itself as a YA fiction book, focused on brothers. However, it is also a book about a 16 year old boy discovering he is gay and realizing that his depression has come from not acknowledging or understanding that "missing piece" of himself. The book was so touching and realistic and dealt with multiple characters and their emotions and the realities of life not being perfect but still having hope. "...life will always be that way---fleeting happiness surrounded by the ever-present reality of life, with all of its problems and difficulties and shitty occurrences."
So yeah, there is this permeating sadness and emotional presence surrounding me, but I guess that is ok. Mainly I just want to be on my bike or hiking, as usual, but that isn't always easy with kids. Mimi doesn't just want to sit in the trailer day after day and the kids like hiking, but again, not every day. Seriously, those two things are the only two things that really fill my battery. Luckily, later this week my friend is going to watch Mimi and I am going to go on a long bike ride. Graham is in a camp this week which is kind of a good thing.
So, I don't really know what else to say. There is still fun to be had this summer such as Graham and I rafting the Clackamas on Saturday. There are still camping trips to fit in and the beginning of school doesn't mean the end of hiking, biking, and playing; the weather stays good until November. In fact I really love the way the natural world looks during fall. So, hopefully now that I have purged, my brain is untangled enough to write that "to do" list.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Who knows what number "daily" blog post...
Wow! Vacations can be very chaotic, as was the case during our Utah vacation. The truth is not all vacations are relaxing, but there is always fun to be had.
There were many golden nuggets during the vacation and I am certainly not saying it wasn't a good trip; it was. However, vacations that involve people outside our little family are always less relaxing though often exciting. I have noticed I shy away from vacationing with others. I think I'm really getting old and prefer a more calm and peaceful existence focused only on my own, immediate little family whom I love dearly.
Of course, there is always some chaos going on in our little family; we have a 4 year old. However, we know how to function as a unit. There is *usually* a flow to the way we handle the peaks and ebbs of our family time and it works and is generally very enjoyable.
I think about our coast trips and they are always so wonderful. They are truly relaxing with nothing we are doing being rushed, even though we do like to get out and participate in activities. Being able to wake up whenever we want (which for the kids and I is usually by 8) and just take our time in the morning drinking coffee, making breakfast, and staying in our jammies for awhile is one of my very favorite things in the world. As a result, coast and camping trips are really my favorite vacations. Cheap, close to home, and just with the family.
So, back to Utah. The chaos really has to do with having so many people to see and trying to juggle our time and still get to do the things we want to do while keeping in mind what others can and want to do. I think the thing I hated most about our Utah trip was the all the driving from place to place. When we camp and go to the coast there is little to no driving.
I will say that our drive from Portland to Utah went very well. There was only one little meltdown, late at night on Friday because Mimi was tired but had trouble falling asleep. We pulled over, let her try to pee, gave her a few cuddles, and when we got on the road again she fell promptly asleep. I still don't love road trips with the kids, but it went pretty smoothly.
After staying in Boise for the night we headed up to Salem, Utah where Kyle's parents live. It is truly beautiful up there. I will say that it doesn't exactly please me that people are developing so far up the mountain building ridiculously big houses with basketball courts and slides in their houses. Kyle's parents, of course, don't live so far up and do not have one of those ridiculous houses, but touring farther up the mountain did disappoint me a bit.
At his parent's house we spent a lot of time with Kyle's siblings' families and that was a joy. I absolutely love Kyle's brother and his wife. I think they are a lot like us and they are such wonderful parents. I know this because they have fantastic kids! I don't know his sister and her husband quite as well, but it was fun to spend a little more time with them and they also have adorable kids including Piper who is just a bit older than Mimi. Suffice it to say that all the cousins had a blast hanging out together. When the cousins were over we pretty much set the kids loose and visited with each other to the background noise of running, jumping, and giggling.
I also really talked to Kyle's grandpa for the first time. I mean, we've met and chatted a little, but never really talked. I have to tell you, he was a hoot! Hilarious, charming, and so loving in his words towards his wife. I really enjoyed our little conversation.
After our time in Salem we headed down to my parents in Salt Lake. They just moved into a condo that is much, much smaller than anything they have lived in for awhile. I love that they are downsizing and trying to simplify their lives. I really hope it will alleviate some of the stress in their lives.
The building they live in is in downtown Salt Lake and it was so cool that we WALKED places from their house rather than driving. It is hard to believe that my parents are doing the urban thing but I think it is SO awesome.
I've really gained an appreciation for my mom and all she does in her life. She takes care of many people and though she can get testy about it I see her really having a good attitude despite the burden. She was amazing during the trip, taking care of the kids, giving us rides whenever we needed after Kyle left (he drove home a few days early and the kids and I flew home).
My sister is also amazing. She threw a big surprise birthday party for Graham and my dad. (Graham's birthday is on the 12th and my dad's is on the 25th.) She really put a lot into it and had prizes and games and a zombie themed spread. She also purchased a lot of presents for all the kids. I'm not quite sure how to show her the appreciation she deserves for that, but I know Graham is working on a heartfelt thank you note.
We also took the kids to the famous Lagoon. Lagoon is Utah's premiere amusement park and it really is a good amusement park with multiple roller coasters, a great kid's section and a pioneer village. Going to Lagoon also gave the family a chance to hang out with our favorite uncle, Nigel. Nigel isn't really my kid's uncle; he is a super close family friend who has basically become family.
The Lagoon day did end on a bad note with the day going on a little long and some meltdowns and car trouble, but the first half of the day was great.
That evening Graham and I got to hang out with my favorite cousin on my mom's side, Adam, and his wife, Cindy. It has been so long since Adam and I really hung out and I think we could have talked all night. When we were kids we were super tight, and then again in our late teens, early twentys. It was a real treat and I hope they visit us in Portland soon.
Last but not least, I finally got to spend some real quality time with my dear, dear friend Seth. Honestly, the last time we were able to really talk, without being interrupted, one on one was probably 12 or 13 years ago. Sitting there talking with him I finally felt that connection again and it was easy to remember why we were so close and got along so well together. Though in many ways our personalities are very different, we also have some deep similarities and I think the combination is what works so well.
It was a double treat because my family got to hang out with his family TWICE... AND I got some one-on-one time. His family is lovely. His wife is SO gorgeous and kind and such a good mom. His kids are sweet and adorable and got along well with Mimi. (They are young so Graham hung out with the adults more, particularly Shannon, Seth's wife. They seemed to bond.)
In terms of family, meaning my mom and dad, I think the vacation went about 2 or 3 days too long. Friday morning everyone was still happy and getting along really well, but by Friday night I think the energy draining effect of two kids were taking a toll on my parents. Conversely, I think the lack of energy and patience from my parents in those last few days were taking a toll on my kids, and the combo was taking a toll on me. But alas, that is how it is with extended family. Wonderful in small doses.
I have a million other things to say, but I think I'm going to stop there for now. Farewell until I have time to write again.
There were many golden nuggets during the vacation and I am certainly not saying it wasn't a good trip; it was. However, vacations that involve people outside our little family are always less relaxing though often exciting. I have noticed I shy away from vacationing with others. I think I'm really getting old and prefer a more calm and peaceful existence focused only on my own, immediate little family whom I love dearly.
Of course, there is always some chaos going on in our little family; we have a 4 year old. However, we know how to function as a unit. There is *usually* a flow to the way we handle the peaks and ebbs of our family time and it works and is generally very enjoyable.
I think about our coast trips and they are always so wonderful. They are truly relaxing with nothing we are doing being rushed, even though we do like to get out and participate in activities. Being able to wake up whenever we want (which for the kids and I is usually by 8) and just take our time in the morning drinking coffee, making breakfast, and staying in our jammies for awhile is one of my very favorite things in the world. As a result, coast and camping trips are really my favorite vacations. Cheap, close to home, and just with the family.
So, back to Utah. The chaos really has to do with having so many people to see and trying to juggle our time and still get to do the things we want to do while keeping in mind what others can and want to do. I think the thing I hated most about our Utah trip was the all the driving from place to place. When we camp and go to the coast there is little to no driving.
I will say that our drive from Portland to Utah went very well. There was only one little meltdown, late at night on Friday because Mimi was tired but had trouble falling asleep. We pulled over, let her try to pee, gave her a few cuddles, and when we got on the road again she fell promptly asleep. I still don't love road trips with the kids, but it went pretty smoothly.
After staying in Boise for the night we headed up to Salem, Utah where Kyle's parents live. It is truly beautiful up there. I will say that it doesn't exactly please me that people are developing so far up the mountain building ridiculously big houses with basketball courts and slides in their houses. Kyle's parents, of course, don't live so far up and do not have one of those ridiculous houses, but touring farther up the mountain did disappoint me a bit.
At his parent's house we spent a lot of time with Kyle's siblings' families and that was a joy. I absolutely love Kyle's brother and his wife. I think they are a lot like us and they are such wonderful parents. I know this because they have fantastic kids! I don't know his sister and her husband quite as well, but it was fun to spend a little more time with them and they also have adorable kids including Piper who is just a bit older than Mimi. Suffice it to say that all the cousins had a blast hanging out together. When the cousins were over we pretty much set the kids loose and visited with each other to the background noise of running, jumping, and giggling.
I also really talked to Kyle's grandpa for the first time. I mean, we've met and chatted a little, but never really talked. I have to tell you, he was a hoot! Hilarious, charming, and so loving in his words towards his wife. I really enjoyed our little conversation.
After our time in Salem we headed down to my parents in Salt Lake. They just moved into a condo that is much, much smaller than anything they have lived in for awhile. I love that they are downsizing and trying to simplify their lives. I really hope it will alleviate some of the stress in their lives.
The building they live in is in downtown Salt Lake and it was so cool that we WALKED places from their house rather than driving. It is hard to believe that my parents are doing the urban thing but I think it is SO awesome.
I've really gained an appreciation for my mom and all she does in her life. She takes care of many people and though she can get testy about it I see her really having a good attitude despite the burden. She was amazing during the trip, taking care of the kids, giving us rides whenever we needed after Kyle left (he drove home a few days early and the kids and I flew home).
My sister is also amazing. She threw a big surprise birthday party for Graham and my dad. (Graham's birthday is on the 12th and my dad's is on the 25th.) She really put a lot into it and had prizes and games and a zombie themed spread. She also purchased a lot of presents for all the kids. I'm not quite sure how to show her the appreciation she deserves for that, but I know Graham is working on a heartfelt thank you note.
We also took the kids to the famous Lagoon. Lagoon is Utah's premiere amusement park and it really is a good amusement park with multiple roller coasters, a great kid's section and a pioneer village. Going to Lagoon also gave the family a chance to hang out with our favorite uncle, Nigel. Nigel isn't really my kid's uncle; he is a super close family friend who has basically become family.
The Lagoon day did end on a bad note with the day going on a little long and some meltdowns and car trouble, but the first half of the day was great.
That evening Graham and I got to hang out with my favorite cousin on my mom's side, Adam, and his wife, Cindy. It has been so long since Adam and I really hung out and I think we could have talked all night. When we were kids we were super tight, and then again in our late teens, early twentys. It was a real treat and I hope they visit us in Portland soon.
Last but not least, I finally got to spend some real quality time with my dear, dear friend Seth. Honestly, the last time we were able to really talk, without being interrupted, one on one was probably 12 or 13 years ago. Sitting there talking with him I finally felt that connection again and it was easy to remember why we were so close and got along so well together. Though in many ways our personalities are very different, we also have some deep similarities and I think the combination is what works so well.
It was a double treat because my family got to hang out with his family TWICE... AND I got some one-on-one time. His family is lovely. His wife is SO gorgeous and kind and such a good mom. His kids are sweet and adorable and got along well with Mimi. (They are young so Graham hung out with the adults more, particularly Shannon, Seth's wife. They seemed to bond.)
In terms of family, meaning my mom and dad, I think the vacation went about 2 or 3 days too long. Friday morning everyone was still happy and getting along really well, but by Friday night I think the energy draining effect of two kids were taking a toll on my parents. Conversely, I think the lack of energy and patience from my parents in those last few days were taking a toll on my kids, and the combo was taking a toll on me. But alas, that is how it is with extended family. Wonderful in small doses.
I have a million other things to say, but I think I'm going to stop there for now. Farewell until I have time to write again.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Summer Post #10
I'm sitting here procrastinating working out. It was weigh-in day and I lost two more pounds, which is awesome. I am two pounds away from breaking into another decade (if you know what I mean) and it is a decade that I haven't been in for a long, long time. Two things happen when I am successful with weight loss like this:
1. I feel good and confident to the point that I feel like it is "ok" to slack a little. You know, have an ice cream, skip a day of working out.
2. I feel even more determined to stay on it and stay focused because I am so close to a goal.
Yes, both these things happen simultaneously. I will be swayed either way depending on external factors. So, the fact that I didn't have time to work out this morning because Mimi had a doctor's appointment at 8:45 is not a good thing because as the day goes on I am less motivated to work out plus, you know, two more pounds...feeling a little too cocky here.
Also, after the doctor's appointment we spent the afternoon in the sun at the Jamison Square fountain so I'm all tired and burnt out from the sun. Oh yeah, I had a little ice cream while we were there too. So I really, really, really should go work out! I don't want to get all complacent because I am doing well and fuck it all up. Not to mention the fact that I am going on vacation on Friday and as much as I tell myself that I will be really mindful of eating on the trip and not go overboard, I ALWAYS end up being a glutton on vacations. So, I REALLY MUST GO WORK OUT NOW, right?
Ok, I've convinced myself. I'm going to finish this short post and then go work out.
I haven't started a new book though I have checked out two from the library and bought two new ones. I don't know why I l keep getting more and more books even though I already have a stack I haven't read yet. I figure I better start with the library books since I have them for a limited time. One is called "you against me" and the other is called "light beneath ferns". Weird. Both books titles are not capitalized on the front cover. Strange coincidence.
Now to log recent activities. Graham returned from his camping trip happy and sun burnt. He also has a small mark on his chest where his friend accidentally shot him with an air gun. Apparently Graham's friend's mom thought I would hate her and never let Graham hang out with them again. I am SO not that kind of mom. Shit happens, especially with kids. I can't stand moms that won't let their kids climb trees because they might fall out and get hurt. What kind of fucking world is it when kids can't climb trees anymore. So at some point I want to call the mom to thank her for giving Graham a wonderful camping trip and to assure her that I am not upset and will gladly let Graham stay with them again.
Having said all that, Graham was happy for two reasons. He was happy because he had a lot of fun camping, especially swimming in the lake. However, he was also happy to be home.
Since he had been camping and hiking and away from electronics for four days, I took the kiddos to Despicable Me 2 that afternoon (Saturday) and we had a jolly time. I don't think it was as good as the first one, but still very enjoyable. The little girl, Agnes, totally reminds me of Mimi.
On Sunday we walked over to the Woodstock Farmer's Market and bought some raspberries. Then we went to the library but, of course, Graham forgot his Summer Reading Card again, which has been done for months and he hasn't retrieved ANY of his prizes for it. I'm hoping they will let him take all three or four at once at not think he is just some kid that filled them all in for the prizes. The first week of summer that kid read A LOT!
That afternoon we headed over to the Portland Aquarium. My mother-in-law got us a year membership for Christmas and we had only been once before. It isn't all that great, but it is free for us and I figure we need to get our money's worth on the annual membership. Actually though, we really did have a lot of fun and both kids could have stayed in the shark room for hours and hours petting the stingrays and sharks. I especially enjoyed the shark talk given by one of the employees. Most of the kids and adults weren't really listening, still just trying to pet the animals. Then there's me. I am such a nerd and such a lover of learning at heart. I was intently listening to everything he said and I think he almost got annoyed with all the questions I asked. Although he did get really excited when he had just explained how the Black Fin Sharks can never stop swimming or they can't breath and they will drown and I asked if they slept. He enthusiastically explained how one half of their brain turns off so they can sleep and rest that part of the brain while the other half stays awake enough so they can swim. Then the brain halves switch so the other half can get a break. Isn't that completely fucking awesome! Yeah, I'm a BIG nerd.
Yesterday we just got a lot of stuff done, both everyday stuff and stuff in preparation for our trip to SLC later this week. I worked in the yard for about 1.5 hours and now I have multiple splinters in my hands and feet and one really nice blister on my thumb. I think the yard looks better though and hopefully it will make a good impression on potential buyers of our neighbors house. Not that I want our neighbors to leave. They really are the best neighbors ever, but I want the best for them and they are ready for more room so I'm willing to help however I can. Plus I want them to attract buyers that I like. I told them when they get an offer they need approval from me on the people that want to buy. I was kidding, of course. (Kind of)
And that brings me back to today. We took Mimi to her 4 year old appointment. She is completely healthy and normal. Then we went to Powell's where I once again spent money I shouldn't on books for all three of us. Afterwards we went to Whole Foods and grabbed some lunch which we ate at the park before playing on the playground for awhile. Finally, we splashed around the fountain at Jamison Square for about two hours, ending the festivities with a little ice cream.
Mimi is now asleep and Graham rode his bike over to a friend's house. And me? I'm going to go put on my tennis shoes and get on the Lifecycle and ride for 40 minutes. Thanks for helping to convince me to do the right thing.
1. I feel good and confident to the point that I feel like it is "ok" to slack a little. You know, have an ice cream, skip a day of working out.
2. I feel even more determined to stay on it and stay focused because I am so close to a goal.
Yes, both these things happen simultaneously. I will be swayed either way depending on external factors. So, the fact that I didn't have time to work out this morning because Mimi had a doctor's appointment at 8:45 is not a good thing because as the day goes on I am less motivated to work out plus, you know, two more pounds...feeling a little too cocky here.
Also, after the doctor's appointment we spent the afternoon in the sun at the Jamison Square fountain so I'm all tired and burnt out from the sun. Oh yeah, I had a little ice cream while we were there too. So I really, really, really should go work out! I don't want to get all complacent because I am doing well and fuck it all up. Not to mention the fact that I am going on vacation on Friday and as much as I tell myself that I will be really mindful of eating on the trip and not go overboard, I ALWAYS end up being a glutton on vacations. So, I REALLY MUST GO WORK OUT NOW, right?
Ok, I've convinced myself. I'm going to finish this short post and then go work out.
I haven't started a new book though I have checked out two from the library and bought two new ones. I don't know why I l keep getting more and more books even though I already have a stack I haven't read yet. I figure I better start with the library books since I have them for a limited time. One is called "you against me" and the other is called "light beneath ferns". Weird. Both books titles are not capitalized on the front cover. Strange coincidence.
Now to log recent activities. Graham returned from his camping trip happy and sun burnt. He also has a small mark on his chest where his friend accidentally shot him with an air gun. Apparently Graham's friend's mom thought I would hate her and never let Graham hang out with them again. I am SO not that kind of mom. Shit happens, especially with kids. I can't stand moms that won't let their kids climb trees because they might fall out and get hurt. What kind of fucking world is it when kids can't climb trees anymore. So at some point I want to call the mom to thank her for giving Graham a wonderful camping trip and to assure her that I am not upset and will gladly let Graham stay with them again.
Having said all that, Graham was happy for two reasons. He was happy because he had a lot of fun camping, especially swimming in the lake. However, he was also happy to be home.
Since he had been camping and hiking and away from electronics for four days, I took the kiddos to Despicable Me 2 that afternoon (Saturday) and we had a jolly time. I don't think it was as good as the first one, but still very enjoyable. The little girl, Agnes, totally reminds me of Mimi.
On Sunday we walked over to the Woodstock Farmer's Market and bought some raspberries. Then we went to the library but, of course, Graham forgot his Summer Reading Card again, which has been done for months and he hasn't retrieved ANY of his prizes for it. I'm hoping they will let him take all three or four at once at not think he is just some kid that filled them all in for the prizes. The first week of summer that kid read A LOT!
That afternoon we headed over to the Portland Aquarium. My mother-in-law got us a year membership for Christmas and we had only been once before. It isn't all that great, but it is free for us and I figure we need to get our money's worth on the annual membership. Actually though, we really did have a lot of fun and both kids could have stayed in the shark room for hours and hours petting the stingrays and sharks. I especially enjoyed the shark talk given by one of the employees. Most of the kids and adults weren't really listening, still just trying to pet the animals. Then there's me. I am such a nerd and such a lover of learning at heart. I was intently listening to everything he said and I think he almost got annoyed with all the questions I asked. Although he did get really excited when he had just explained how the Black Fin Sharks can never stop swimming or they can't breath and they will drown and I asked if they slept. He enthusiastically explained how one half of their brain turns off so they can sleep and rest that part of the brain while the other half stays awake enough so they can swim. Then the brain halves switch so the other half can get a break. Isn't that completely fucking awesome! Yeah, I'm a BIG nerd.
Yesterday we just got a lot of stuff done, both everyday stuff and stuff in preparation for our trip to SLC later this week. I worked in the yard for about 1.5 hours and now I have multiple splinters in my hands and feet and one really nice blister on my thumb. I think the yard looks better though and hopefully it will make a good impression on potential buyers of our neighbors house. Not that I want our neighbors to leave. They really are the best neighbors ever, but I want the best for them and they are ready for more room so I'm willing to help however I can. Plus I want them to attract buyers that I like. I told them when they get an offer they need approval from me on the people that want to buy. I was kidding, of course. (Kind of)
And that brings me back to today. We took Mimi to her 4 year old appointment. She is completely healthy and normal. Then we went to Powell's where I once again spent money I shouldn't on books for all three of us. Afterwards we went to Whole Foods and grabbed some lunch which we ate at the park before playing on the playground for awhile. Finally, we splashed around the fountain at Jamison Square for about two hours, ending the festivities with a little ice cream.
Mimi is now asleep and Graham rode his bike over to a friend's house. And me? I'm going to go put on my tennis shoes and get on the Lifecycle and ride for 40 minutes. Thanks for helping to convince me to do the right thing.
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