Summer 2014

Well, I planned to follow the same pattern this summer as I did last summer: regularly post on my blog and read lots of books that I post about so I can remember them. Summer is close to half way over and this is my first post.

Summer...I love it and yet I'm never satisfied and that is completely a result of my own fucked-up brain. I over think things. One of my biggest issues with myself is that when I am looking forward to something I have these specific expectations but, of course, things never turn out exactly like I expect. I mean, come on, no one can predict the future; you never know what is going to happen or how things will turn out. The differences in my experiences from my expectations are not usually bad, they are just not what I hoped for or expected so then I feel disappointed...which is totally messed up. When things turn out good, fun, I should be pleased and enjoy it. So yeah, I'm trying to work on not having specific expectations, just planning and doing the things that will be fun and enjoying them however the fun rolls out. Some days it goes well and I feel that inherent happiness, other days I can't stave off expectations and disappointment.

Here is the deal: I'm bi-polar. Now, I'm not saying that non-bi-polar people may not do exactly what I do and have the same ups and downs with it. I just know that one day I will be so happy and content with life...sitting in the sand next to a river surrounded by trees...and the next I will all of a sudden, for no good reason, feel melancholy and disappointment. I think *some* of that is chemical.

Maybe I use that as an excuse too much, but it actually makes me feel better, like, there is a reason so I can feel it, let it pass, and be ok.

So yeah, same pattern I experience, cause with my thought issues, every summer this summer. Having said that, summer is wonderful! I am having a great summer like I always do. In fact, the days of extreme heat this year do not bother me at all. I LOVE it! In fact, I find myself being a bit disappointed on the 70's days even though I used to say the 70's were the perfect temperature.

I think it is because I was really disappointed with the first week and a half of summer being rainy and overcast. It didn't feel like summer. So now, I am not complaining no matter what when the sun is shining. Also, for whatever reason, I feel like I have become more tolerant of heat while sleeping.

That used to be my big issue with the hot days, how uncomfortable it was to sleep. But, I'm just not having that issue this summer.

Another issue I have with summer is the balance between being busy and just being able to do whatever. In general, I prefer being busy, filling our days with lots of activities. I like putting my kids in a good amount of camps and classes because it gives me a little alone time or one-on-one time with just one of my kids, and it is good for them.

The truth of the matter is, Mimi is just fine whether I keep her busy or not. But Graham, Graham needs things to do. He is just not very good being at home and filling his own time. I can be a little like that too...I generally like to be busy.

So, even when the kids aren't in camps I plan the days with outings...hiking, bike rides, swimming, the river, berry picking, museums, etc. In fact, there are all these specific things I like to do with the kids in the summer and it almost feels like there is not enough time to do them all. There are very specific hikes and rides I like to take them on every summer. There is camping and the coast...the drive-in and movies in the park. The Thursday night Krueger Farm concerts. It is hard to fit it all in with camps and visits from friends or family.

So, the conundrum is, at what point does the stress of trying to fit everything in take away from the joy of actually participating in those things. On the other hand, when I just give in and go, "Oh well, I guess we aren't going to get to that this summer," I feel disappointment and regret. Again, me=fucked up in the head. I do this crap to myself by over thinking everything.

Actually, anxiety has never been my biggest issue in terms of my mental health. It has been more mania. However, as I get older and the mania naturally subsides because I think humans just naturally get less wild as they get older, anxiety has become more of an issue. Who knows, maybe I need to adjust my meds?

The bottom line is, after a lot of self-reflection on this issue I have come to the conclusion that the answer is to still plan and participate in lots of fun activities but also to be flexible and adaptable. I need to embrace the Tao. Go with the flow of the universe.

For instance, my plan today was to ride the Banks-Vernonia trail while my kids are at camp. As you all know, I love biking and taking long, solo rides through the beautiful nature that surrounds my wonderful city. It is a rare opportunity to have the whole day to myself to do this. I had a wonderful time doing just this (biking all day though on a different trail) on Tuesday.

However, I woke up this morning and just didn't feel it. It kind of bothers me and makes me feel guilty. "You're no lazy butt! You LOVE to be active. This is a rare opportunity. How can you let it pass by?" But in the end, I went with the Tao. I listened to myself and followed the path that felt "right" to me.

Instead, I am going to tidy up the house and laundry a bit, get some little things done...paying some bills, getting some reservations made. Then, I think I am going to lay in the back yard in my bikini and read my book. I mean, my legs, face, and arms are crazy tan but the middle section needs some serious work!

Being productive isn't my favorite way to spend alone time, but it is more enjoyable, easier, and quicker to get things done when no one else is around. AND if I get that stuff done the weekend and future days will be more enjoyable because I won't have to worry about any of it. After being productive, I will still have time to read and tan and, you know what? There will be other opportunities to bike...maybe a weekend day that Kyle takes the kids or maybe Graham and I do the trail together some day.

I also have to remember that if we don't get to all the activities I want us to this summer, it is not like September and October and not still beautiful. There are weekends every week in the fall, right?

So yeah, this blog post was kind of full of nothing and went nowhere. There are a bazillion other things I have in my head to write about, but I think I will stop here for now. I'm sure that now that I have started posting again I will have the urge to do it regularly and find time to post about all the other stuff in my head. Now for productive time and then a little relaxing time.