My Moodiness and Hypocrisy

The first quarter of the school year ends this week. I can't fucking believe it. The school year just started, didn't it? And yet, summer does feel so far in the past.

It is actually a good thing, however, that the quarter is ending. Sometimes the passing of time is a sad thing, but sometimes it means getting closer to events, times, activities we look forward to and, of course, the things we look forward to are what keep us going in this monotonous life.

Overall this school year is good so far. It's very different though, than years past. I mean I've been working in the same room on the same team for eight years and there have been changes along the way, but for the most part it was always business as usual. However, with a new principal and brand-new teammate, things are shaking up a little bit, and that is actually a good thing.

Overall we really do have great kids this year. It is easy to forget that when there are a few standouts that are some of the roughest I have ever had. Also, I have one class that contains pretty much ALL the kids with behaviors (except two) and none of the kids are bad, I like them all. It's just hard when you have to juggle them all at once.

I started getting particularly emotional and "moody" right at the end of summer and it never went away, which I expected it to. In some ways I'm concerned and wondering about it. Why? Do I need to adjust my meds? I haven't gone to therapy in a long time. On the other hand, I think I might actually have an inkling of what is going on and just not quite wanting to admit it to myself. I certainly won't share that here.

There is also just the difference of this school year, which is in no way bad, but I can totally see how it might trigger my brain to go a little wacky for awhile until the new becomes the normal.

I've lost a lot of weight. I do feel really, really good about it. I've lost 17 pounds, maybe more as I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. That elusive place of being able to listen to my body and be moderate...well, I think I've finally reached it. I truly never thought I would but it has become normal and, to an extent, easy. Of course, every time I think that I start to panic that I am jumping the gun and I'm still going to stumble back into my old ways. But for now, it seems like I kind of have it down.

Granted, I've lost 17 pounds since last February...that's 9 months, a pretty long time for 17 pounds. I've realized, however, that what experts say is true; losing it slowly is the way to go. I think maybe that is why I can finally live and eat normally, because I've given my body the time to really acclimate and adjust to what it is supposed to be and feel. Along the way I've lost, then maintained for awhile, then lost a little more, then maintained for awhile. I really think that is the key.

So, a couple of my pros about the whole weight loss thing then I'm going to get to the negative. I know, backwards, one really should end with the positive.

I can't tell you how much fun it is to go clothes shopping now. To be able to fit into most anything, to realize the size I brought into the dressing room is too big. It is also wonderful how so many of my clothes fit me now (or are even too big now). I'm one of those people that keep my clothes forever, even when they don't fit, but now they do!

On the other hand, there are still a few things I really, really want to wear that I just don't feel attractive in yet. Despite the weight loss, I still have this immensely unattractive, loose skinned belly. Some of it really is loose, stretched out skin that now has no, or less, padding underneath it. I still have weight to lose, though, and I realize that unless I start doing different kinds of exercise, core strengthening and all that, that unattractive middle will stay there. It is just hard enough to fit in the cardio I do everyday that I am not sure how to fit in more. I mean, I know, you can always make time.

Also, I really, really, really, wish I could run. It SUCKS that I can't run because the truth is, I'm not really in that great of shape despite exercising all the time. I need to do something to really get my heart pumping. So, I've decided to go back to the gym thing so I can use the elliptical. It will be the best way to get the cardio I want without hurting my knee. But I HATE the gym. If I"m going to exercise I want to be outside or in my own house. But if I really want to go for it with my body, this is the best way. I can also do more core and strength training at a gym.

The thing is, back to the positive, I never expected to come this far. For that, I am ecstatic. I've already gone past my original goal and feel like I can keep going and that is marvelous and amazing. Yet, again, I never expected that if I got this far my body would still look this, well, chubby. I know part of it is being older and I know part of it is losing weight purely on diet and biking rather than the intense physical activity I once participated in.

I know that people that know me are starting to notice how much thinner I am. But to someone that just sees me walking along, they are still going to see what most would consider an overweight person. According to my BMI I am still overweight, but only for two more pounds. Anyway, I feel bi-polar about my weight loss just like everything else. Part of me is proud and uber happy, the other is disappointed and feels it isn't good enough.

I will say that I do feel confident, sexy. I feel really good about the way I look, well not naked but...

Finally, I'm really weird about talking about my weight loss. I mean, I'm writing all about it here and I did advertise this blog on facebook early in the summer, so I certainly can't say I'm trying to hide my weight loss journey. But there is this weird, proud side of me that is embarrassed that I am trying to lose weight. I guess I'm embarrassed that I need to; I don't want to admit that I wasn't perfectly happy with myself the way I was. I also don't trust people when they compliment me, especially if they know I was trying to lose weight. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. Yet, I want to be complimented and acknowledged. I want others to think I look as good as I do. It is a conundrum because I want it, but I'll never trust it. I say I don't want people to talk tome about it, but when they do I start boasting about it because I crave that positive validation.

I have a friend that I've been giving a lot of shit to about his obsession with appearances. He doesn't really have an obsession, actually he's somewhat normal for a man of his age. But I'm not unaware of my own hypocrisy. Don't get me wrong, I have my reasons for getting on his case and I think they are very valid. And I am certainly not claiming to him or to anyone that appearances don't matter at all. BUT...god I want to be beautiful. Truly, I do think I'm beautiful, but want everyone else to think so as well, and that is kind of shallow and goes completely against much of what I stand for. I take great pride in the fact that people respect me and are attracted to me for my strength, confidence, intelligence, and personality. I've never had trouble attracting people or gaining their respect, not in a professional, friendly, or sexual/romantic way. I don't want to be sought after for my looks. I almost stand on a pedestal and think I am better because I'm sought after for the other qualities more than for my looks. I guess I justify still wanting to be seen as beautiful because if I was still me but super beautiful as well I would be fucking AWESOME because I'd be that cool, confident, smart, funny, low maintenance chick that was ALSO beautiful. Oh well, I'm only human I guess.

But yes, I want to be beautiful, or more beautiful I guess I should say. And I actually see it, the possibility of reaching that goal through weight loss.It's possibly a pipe dream; is going from a cute girl who people see as a little chubby to a cute girl that people see as normal sized really going to elevate me to the status of gorgeous? Probably not. It is also shallow and vain that I want to be seen that way. And this all ties back in to why it makes me uncomfortable to be acknowledged for my weight loss or asked or to talk about it at all except with a very few people.

Ok, I've rambled on enough. I'm out.

Me Time

I've been really emotional lately, and I'm just not quite sure why. I don't want to say I'm feeling depressed, because that isn't true. I've been teary and feeling like crying a lot, not necessarily sad crying, more a "that's really touching" crying although there isn't always something specific that I'm teary about. What I'm feeling is more of a longing than sadness. Longing for what? I don't know. That is what makes it frustrating.

Back in the day, before I realized there was a chemical contribution to my fluctuating emotions, what made it so hard was feeling like I was out of control. I didn't understand where the feelings were coming from so there was nothing I could do about it, no productive way to respond. As a medicated adult with access to great therapy I've regained a sense of control. I can't control my emotions, but I understand there is a chemical aspect that makes my emotional responses a little more extreme and, generally, I can pinpoint a few external factors that are triggering the emotions. Just knowing makes me feel in control and I know the extreme emotion will pass.

I want to reiterate that I am not sad. In fact, my life is pretty damn awesome right now. Things are going really good for me and I feel like I'm in great control of my life right now. BUT...this is the first time in a while I have had that feeling like I have no control over or understanding of my emotions. In fact, life being so great right now is part of the reason I feel so out of control, because I DON'T understand where this longing and surge of emotion is coming from.

There is this gnawing void in my gut and it is palpable; I physically feel it. Where is it coming from? What is it exactly that I want? And if I'm not going to find the answers to those questions then at least, when is it going to go away?

The truth is, I'm kind of an emotion junkie and for awhile, I was digging this. I liked feeling all pensive and emotional and DEEP. I was kind of enjoying escaping into myself, into my mind, just thinking and FEELING. But, usually it doesn't last this long, especially if there is no obvious external trigger.Now, I'm just sick of it. It's draining and I'm sick of feeling so much.

Epiphany! I'm sitting in my room, trying to write this, and my children are constantly coming in and interrupting me. I get almost zero ME time. Seriously, I almost never get to just be alone and do what I want. Kyle and I also almost never get alone US time. Me time is definitely part of what I am longing for. I don't think that explains everything. However, I think if I had more alone time it would calm my brain, relax the chemical reactions, and therefore lesson the emotional state. It also might give me more time to get to the bottom of the possible external factors.

So, that was my alone time for today. Now I'm going to go clean the house, even though I don't want to, because it needs to be cleaned and I will feel better afterwards.