My Moodiness and Hypocrisy

The first quarter of the school year ends this week. I can't fucking believe it. The school year just started, didn't it? And yet, summer does feel so far in the past.

It is actually a good thing, however, that the quarter is ending. Sometimes the passing of time is a sad thing, but sometimes it means getting closer to events, times, activities we look forward to and, of course, the things we look forward to are what keep us going in this monotonous life.

Overall this school year is good so far. It's very different though, than years past. I mean I've been working in the same room on the same team for eight years and there have been changes along the way, but for the most part it was always business as usual. However, with a new principal and brand-new teammate, things are shaking up a little bit, and that is actually a good thing.

Overall we really do have great kids this year. It is easy to forget that when there are a few standouts that are some of the roughest I have ever had. Also, I have one class that contains pretty much ALL the kids with behaviors (except two) and none of the kids are bad, I like them all. It's just hard when you have to juggle them all at once.

I started getting particularly emotional and "moody" right at the end of summer and it never went away, which I expected it to. In some ways I'm concerned and wondering about it. Why? Do I need to adjust my meds? I haven't gone to therapy in a long time. On the other hand, I think I might actually have an inkling of what is going on and just not quite wanting to admit it to myself. I certainly won't share that here.

There is also just the difference of this school year, which is in no way bad, but I can totally see how it might trigger my brain to go a little wacky for awhile until the new becomes the normal.

I've lost a lot of weight. I do feel really, really good about it. I've lost 17 pounds, maybe more as I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. That elusive place of being able to listen to my body and be moderate...well, I think I've finally reached it. I truly never thought I would but it has become normal and, to an extent, easy. Of course, every time I think that I start to panic that I am jumping the gun and I'm still going to stumble back into my old ways. But for now, it seems like I kind of have it down.

Granted, I've lost 17 pounds since last February...that's 9 months, a pretty long time for 17 pounds. I've realized, however, that what experts say is true; losing it slowly is the way to go. I think maybe that is why I can finally live and eat normally, because I've given my body the time to really acclimate and adjust to what it is supposed to be and feel. Along the way I've lost, then maintained for awhile, then lost a little more, then maintained for awhile. I really think that is the key.

So, a couple of my pros about the whole weight loss thing then I'm going to get to the negative. I know, backwards, one really should end with the positive.

I can't tell you how much fun it is to go clothes shopping now. To be able to fit into most anything, to realize the size I brought into the dressing room is too big. It is also wonderful how so many of my clothes fit me now (or are even too big now). I'm one of those people that keep my clothes forever, even when they don't fit, but now they do!

On the other hand, there are still a few things I really, really want to wear that I just don't feel attractive in yet. Despite the weight loss, I still have this immensely unattractive, loose skinned belly. Some of it really is loose, stretched out skin that now has no, or less, padding underneath it. I still have weight to lose, though, and I realize that unless I start doing different kinds of exercise, core strengthening and all that, that unattractive middle will stay there. It is just hard enough to fit in the cardio I do everyday that I am not sure how to fit in more. I mean, I know, you can always make time.

Also, I really, really, really, wish I could run. It SUCKS that I can't run because the truth is, I'm not really in that great of shape despite exercising all the time. I need to do something to really get my heart pumping. So, I've decided to go back to the gym thing so I can use the elliptical. It will be the best way to get the cardio I want without hurting my knee. But I HATE the gym. If I"m going to exercise I want to be outside or in my own house. But if I really want to go for it with my body, this is the best way. I can also do more core and strength training at a gym.

The thing is, back to the positive, I never expected to come this far. For that, I am ecstatic. I've already gone past my original goal and feel like I can keep going and that is marvelous and amazing. Yet, again, I never expected that if I got this far my body would still look this, well, chubby. I know part of it is being older and I know part of it is losing weight purely on diet and biking rather than the intense physical activity I once participated in.

I know that people that know me are starting to notice how much thinner I am. But to someone that just sees me walking along, they are still going to see what most would consider an overweight person. According to my BMI I am still overweight, but only for two more pounds. Anyway, I feel bi-polar about my weight loss just like everything else. Part of me is proud and uber happy, the other is disappointed and feels it isn't good enough.

I will say that I do feel confident, sexy. I feel really good about the way I look, well not naked but...

Finally, I'm really weird about talking about my weight loss. I mean, I'm writing all about it here and I did advertise this blog on facebook early in the summer, so I certainly can't say I'm trying to hide my weight loss journey. But there is this weird, proud side of me that is embarrassed that I am trying to lose weight. I guess I'm embarrassed that I need to; I don't want to admit that I wasn't perfectly happy with myself the way I was. I also don't trust people when they compliment me, especially if they know I was trying to lose weight. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. Yet, I want to be complimented and acknowledged. I want others to think I look as good as I do. It is a conundrum because I want it, but I'll never trust it. I say I don't want people to talk tome about it, but when they do I start boasting about it because I crave that positive validation.

I have a friend that I've been giving a lot of shit to about his obsession with appearances. He doesn't really have an obsession, actually he's somewhat normal for a man of his age. But I'm not unaware of my own hypocrisy. Don't get me wrong, I have my reasons for getting on his case and I think they are very valid. And I am certainly not claiming to him or to anyone that appearances don't matter at all. BUT...god I want to be beautiful. Truly, I do think I'm beautiful, but want everyone else to think so as well, and that is kind of shallow and goes completely against much of what I stand for. I take great pride in the fact that people respect me and are attracted to me for my strength, confidence, intelligence, and personality. I've never had trouble attracting people or gaining their respect, not in a professional, friendly, or sexual/romantic way. I don't want to be sought after for my looks. I almost stand on a pedestal and think I am better because I'm sought after for the other qualities more than for my looks. I guess I justify still wanting to be seen as beautiful because if I was still me but super beautiful as well I would be fucking AWESOME because I'd be that cool, confident, smart, funny, low maintenance chick that was ALSO beautiful. Oh well, I'm only human I guess.

But yes, I want to be beautiful, or more beautiful I guess I should say. And I actually see it, the possibility of reaching that goal through weight loss.It's possibly a pipe dream; is going from a cute girl who people see as a little chubby to a cute girl that people see as normal sized really going to elevate me to the status of gorgeous? Probably not. It is also shallow and vain that I want to be seen that way. And this all ties back in to why it makes me uncomfortable to be acknowledged for my weight loss or asked or to talk about it at all except with a very few people.

Ok, I've rambled on enough. I'm out.

Me Time

I've been really emotional lately, and I'm just not quite sure why. I don't want to say I'm feeling depressed, because that isn't true. I've been teary and feeling like crying a lot, not necessarily sad crying, more a "that's really touching" crying although there isn't always something specific that I'm teary about. What I'm feeling is more of a longing than sadness. Longing for what? I don't know. That is what makes it frustrating.

Back in the day, before I realized there was a chemical contribution to my fluctuating emotions, what made it so hard was feeling like I was out of control. I didn't understand where the feelings were coming from so there was nothing I could do about it, no productive way to respond. As a medicated adult with access to great therapy I've regained a sense of control. I can't control my emotions, but I understand there is a chemical aspect that makes my emotional responses a little more extreme and, generally, I can pinpoint a few external factors that are triggering the emotions. Just knowing makes me feel in control and I know the extreme emotion will pass.

I want to reiterate that I am not sad. In fact, my life is pretty damn awesome right now. Things are going really good for me and I feel like I'm in great control of my life right now. BUT...this is the first time in a while I have had that feeling like I have no control over or understanding of my emotions. In fact, life being so great right now is part of the reason I feel so out of control, because I DON'T understand where this longing and surge of emotion is coming from.

There is this gnawing void in my gut and it is palpable; I physically feel it. Where is it coming from? What is it exactly that I want? And if I'm not going to find the answers to those questions then at least, when is it going to go away?

The truth is, I'm kind of an emotion junkie and for awhile, I was digging this. I liked feeling all pensive and emotional and DEEP. I was kind of enjoying escaping into myself, into my mind, just thinking and FEELING. But, usually it doesn't last this long, especially if there is no obvious external trigger.Now, I'm just sick of it. It's draining and I'm sick of feeling so much.

Epiphany! I'm sitting in my room, trying to write this, and my children are constantly coming in and interrupting me. I get almost zero ME time. Seriously, I almost never get to just be alone and do what I want. Kyle and I also almost never get alone US time. Me time is definitely part of what I am longing for. I don't think that explains everything. However, I think if I had more alone time it would calm my brain, relax the chemical reactions, and therefore lesson the emotional state. It also might give me more time to get to the bottom of the possible external factors.

So, that was my alone time for today. Now I'm going to go clean the house, even though I don't want to, because it needs to be cleaned and I will feel better afterwards.

I'm Really Going To Write This Blog This Time

I have started a new post and then deleted it about three times already. Sometimes the things in my head are so intense and all over the place, it's just not the right time to write even though when they're that intense I really, really, want to get them out.

Maybe the reason I feel I can write today is because I have some more tangible places I can start, discussing what I'm actually doing or going to do today rather than just trying to organize jumbled thoughts and emotions.

Right now my son is at his call-back audition for Northwest Children's Theater's kid's drama company which is called Kid's Company. I'm nervous for him but very proud of him. I really think drama is his niche; he is naturally talented when it comes to standing up in front of people and being charismatic. Whenever he gives speeches at school he always WOWS his teachers because he adds in that dramatic flair and often uses props. I think he has a really good chance of making it, but I also really want him to understand that it is ok if he doesn't. It doesn't mean he isn't good or he messed up. I'm proud of him no matter what but he is still a novice and it might take more time. I, of course, told him all of this before he went to the auditions today.

So I am sitting here at a coffee shop FINALLY writing this blog. The thing is, I don't have to go back to pick him up until 2 and I totally could go home and clean or help Kyle out with the little monster (Mimi). I probably should. Kyle is totally hungover (though I am a bit too) and I feel kind of guilty just taking the next three hours to myself. It's kind of selfish of me. But I'm going to do it anyway. I just feel like I NEED it today and I totally don't feel like being at home or even going on some activity with Mimi. I just don't think I have the patience today.

I guess part of the way I justify hanging with myself today is that I just finished my first week of school (as a teacher). Teaching is exhausting. Period point blank. Sometimes I forget how exhausting it is over the summer. I think that is the intangible thing about teaching that makes it so hard and that those who don't teach don't understand. Sure, we get a lot of vacation and maybe we don't work as many hours as some other people (but we definitely work more than 40 hours a week during the school year). But what I think a lot of people don't understand is that when you are teaching you are ON all day. Adding in supervision you get about 25 minutes for lunch and that is pretty much it for breaks. Yes, we get a 45 minute prep, but there is shit to do so it really isn't a break. And when you are ON you are expending a lot of energy that I'm not even sure how to describe. Emotional energy maybe? These kids need so much from me: love, discipline, patience, understanding, connection, and more. Giving all that at once to 170 kids at a time (or at least 35 in a class at once) is very, very draining. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. It is ok that these kids need all those things. Kids are supposed to need a lot of things. And believe me, when it comes to the students, I love my job. I love giving them those things. The way public education is going these days, it is really the ONLY reason I do it anymore. Giving these kids what they need is super rewarding and pretty ego boosting at times as well.

OK, good, this is working. See, the best way for me to organize my thoughts enough to pin-point what I need to talk about is to start with the tangible and eventually it will connect me to a single thought/emotion that I can then articulate because it is not jumbled with all the others. So here it is. I think as an adult I often feel like I'm not getting enough validation. I mean, I'm a big girl. You grow up and you are not supposed to need the intense kind of validation we give kids. Maybe it is a sign of my immaturity or because I'm self-absorbed or because my mom over-did the validation when I was a kid so I feel like I need more. I don't know. But sometimes I feel empty and want to be boosted up with praise and validation. As adults I don't think we get a lot of that from each other. I mean, we do, but not the really intense, emotional validation I'm looking for. So now to tie it back to what I was talking about before. That's why I think I need teaching and my students. They are the ones who give me that intense validation I so desperately crave. Though there are definitely adults I would like to get more of it from, the students simultaneously empty me and fill me back up.

I've talked about this before I previous blogs I've written, though its been a few years. I really miss the emotional connections younger friendships created. Those friendships I had from about the age of 15 to 24 were the best friendships of my life. Those friendships are not gone; I am still very good friends with the most important people of that time in my life. But the friendships have changed. Of course they have changed. We grew up, got careers, started families of our own, moved away from one another. There is no way we could have maintained the intensity of those relationships. But god I miss it.

I think for a lot of people they feel your spouse should fill that void. Your spouse becomes the person you have that intense, deep, emotional relationship with. And yes, your spouse should be your friend and in a good major he/she is. But it is still not the same; it's just not.

I miss porch philosophy with Seth. I miss midnight hiking with Ben. I miss driving around all night with Melinda getting really, you know, DEEP. I miss getting drunk and all sentimental and hugging and telling each other how much we love each other and how special our friendships are. I don't know that we CAN'T do that anymore, but it is more difficult and we don't. Of course, none of them live near me so yeah, that's a problem. When I do see them the time is somewhat limited, often our kids are there, and I do think there is some societal block we all feel that you aren't SUPPOSED to do those things anymore.

I do have a few close friends here in Portland. I mean, it's not the same because they didn't grow up with me and go through all my shit with me like Seth, Ben, and Melinda. But they have still become really good friends. Again though, it is just not the same. We go out drinking sometimes but generally temper ourselves and don't get too crazy. We certainly don't have deep, philosophical discussions at 2 in the morning in the park. Why? Well one, I have a family and can't be staying out until 2 very often. But I COULD do it every once in a while. Maybe my friends aren't quite as philosophical as me or in their adult wisdom feel like they've already hashed all that out and there isn't much to talk about anymore. I don't know. Maybe they think I don't want to or can't because I have a family. I'm just not sure. I definitely haven't made those kind of connections with them where the friendship is based on those deep, emotional, meaning of life discussions because I wasn't an adolescent or teen with them and, of course, that is when your brain is really wrapping its head around that stuff and that's what you really NEED your friends for.

But I feel like I still need it.

Again, I really may speak to the fact that I never really grew out of adolescence. I mean, I matured, became more responsible, etc. I had to. But a lot of those other things, emotions, questions that others grow out of, I didn't.

So, I'm really emotional, pensive, nostalgic right now. I have been for awhile. Maybe the last three weeks. I know it started with the impending transition. Transition is always hard for me. School year to summer. Summer to school year. I LIKE change. I need it. But it is still hard. It's like even though these things end and begin yearly, I still have to mourn the loss EVERY TIME. I have to mourn the loss of another group of students that I grew to love moving on. Our I have to mourn the loss of summer and sleeping in and reading and outside, outside, outside.

Speaking of outside, once I realized I was going to be selfish today and take it all to myself I decided that after I right this blog in the coffee shop I am going to head up to Washington Park and take a solitary hike. One of my two favorite things to do in the world. I totally wore the wrong shoes because it wasn't even on my radar that I could do that if I wanted but, oh well. I once hiked up a steep, snowy trail in Danskos. So yeah, I can go to my sanctuary (outdoors) and muse in my mind and cry without anyone seeing me (hopefully) and, you know, immerse myself in the emotion which I have to admit, I like to do even if it makes me feel kind of sad or confused.

I digress. Transition. I started getting emotional because I knew transition was coming. And honestly, I ran out of my meds and didn't take them for two days AND had PMS. All those things were the impetus. But I did transition back into school smoothly, and I have my meds and the PMS is gone, but the emotional state persists and that's ok. I think I need to go through one of these a few times a year just to get it all out. It's cathartic.

I think that's all for now. There are still jumbles, lots of jumbles in my head and some of they may not even be possible to articulate. But this helped. I got some of it out.

Summer, and probably posts, winding down

My brain is completely jumbled right now. It has been for the last week or so, ever since we returned from SLC. What I should be doing is writing a "to do" list but my thoughts are so scrambled that I don't even know what to write down.
To be fair, I did just get a lot of administrivia done. I paid PSU for my 3 credit class and sent an email to my HR department inquiring how to get reimbursed and how to submit my credits so I can move up the pay scale. I filled out Mimi's school registration packet and sent it and I budgeted for the rest of summer. Now my brain is kind of burnt out and I've hit a wall.
The last week was really tough. I've felt agitated more than sad, but I think underlying that agitation is a sadness that summer is almost over.
The truth of the matter is, I'm sick of my kids. Well, that is not exactly true; I'm just sick of being with them SO MUCH, of being a stay at home mom, definitely not something I was meant to do year round. So, in some ways, it is good that it is almost time to go back to work. I mean, it IS time. Yet, that still means another summer gone by, the passage of time. It means that in a few months I won't feel the sun on my skin so often, my tan will fade, biking/hiking/camping will decrease, free time will decrease, and the stress of work will resume. So I'm sure subconsciously I am feeling some anxiety about all of that and I also think that I start to panic at this time of summer because I'm worried I didn't get enough out of summer. Did we camp/hike as much as we could have? Was I outside enough? Did I relax enough? I know it sounds weird but, seriously, I start to worry that I *wasted* my summer or didn't do as much as I should have (despite being uber busy and probably only needing more chill/relaxation time).
So, back to last week; there was a combo of pms, a missed day of meds, home from vacation and trying to get back into routine, sick of my kids, and subconscious sadness about the end of summer. The only time last week I think I was in a good mood was when the kids and I were hiking through Powell Butte. I guess I also had a pretty good time at Ski Bowl. However, I don't think I was that much fun to be with; sorry kids.
Yesterday the kids and I went on a long bike ride and that felt REALLY good. I was pretty happy yesterday because of that and I'm taking today to just get my shit together and chill so I can enjoy the rest of the week. But I'm still discombobulated from the last week, trying to organize my thoughts.
I totally blew health last week because of the previously mentioned bad mood. I'm not stressing too much about it though. I haven't weighed myself since I was in Utah, about two weeks ago. At that point I was maintaining my lowest weight, so that's good. I don't think I've made any progress since then but I think I can at least maintain where I am until I am ready to push on again.
I read a fantastic book last week. "What They Always Tell Us" just advertises itself as a YA fiction book, focused on brothers. However, it is also a book about a 16 year old boy discovering he is gay and realizing that his depression has come from not acknowledging or understanding that "missing piece" of himself. The book was so touching and realistic and dealt with multiple characters and their emotions and the realities of life not being perfect but still having hope. "...life will always be that way---fleeting happiness surrounded by the ever-present reality of life, with all of its problems and difficulties and shitty occurrences."
So yeah, there is this permeating sadness and emotional presence surrounding me, but I guess that is ok. Mainly I just want to be on my bike or hiking, as usual, but that isn't always easy with kids. Mimi doesn't just want to sit in the trailer day after day and the kids like hiking, but again, not every day. Seriously, those two things are the only two things that really fill my battery. Luckily, later this week my friend is going to watch Mimi and I am going to go on a long bike ride. Graham is in a camp this week which is kind of a good thing.
So, I don't really know what else to say. There is still fun to be had this summer such as Graham and I rafting the Clackamas on Saturday. There are still camping trips to fit in and the beginning of school doesn't mean the end of hiking, biking, and playing; the weather stays good until November. In fact I really love the way the natural world looks during fall. So, hopefully now that I have purged, my brain is untangled enough to write that "to do" list.

Who knows what number "daily" blog post...

Wow! Vacations can be very chaotic, as was the case during our Utah vacation. The truth is not all vacations are relaxing, but there is always fun to be had.

There were many golden nuggets during the vacation and I am certainly not saying it wasn't a good trip; it was. However, vacations that involve people outside our little family are always less relaxing though often exciting. I have noticed I shy away from vacationing with others. I think I'm really getting old and prefer a more calm and peaceful existence focused only on my own, immediate little family whom I love dearly.

Of course, there is always some chaos going on in our little family; we have a 4 year old. However, we know how to function as a unit. There is *usually* a flow to the way we handle the peaks and ebbs of our family time and it works and is generally very enjoyable.

I think about our coast trips and they are always so wonderful. They are truly relaxing with nothing we are doing being rushed, even though we do like to get out and participate in activities. Being able to wake up whenever we want (which for the kids and I is usually by 8) and just take our time in the morning drinking coffee, making breakfast, and staying in our jammies for awhile is one of my very favorite things in the world. As a result, coast and camping trips are really my favorite vacations. Cheap, close to home, and just with the family.

So, back to Utah. The chaos really has to do with having so many people to see and trying to juggle our time and still get to do the things we want to do while keeping in mind what others can and want to do. I think the thing I hated most about our Utah trip was the all the driving from place to place. When we camp and go to the coast there is little to no driving.

I will say that our drive from Portland to Utah went very well. There was only one little meltdown, late at night on Friday because Mimi was tired but had trouble falling asleep. We pulled over, let her try to pee,  gave her a few cuddles, and when we got on the road again she fell promptly asleep. I still don't love road trips with the kids, but it went pretty smoothly.

After staying in Boise for the night we headed up to Salem, Utah where Kyle's parents live. It is truly beautiful up there. I will say that it doesn't exactly please me that people are developing so far up the mountain building ridiculously big houses with basketball courts and slides in their houses. Kyle's parents, of course, don't live so far up and do not have one of those ridiculous houses, but touring farther up the mountain did disappoint me a bit.

At his parent's house we spent a lot of time with Kyle's siblings' families and that was a joy. I absolutely love Kyle's brother and his wife. I think they are a lot like us and they are such wonderful parents. I know this because they have fantastic kids! I don't know his sister and her husband quite as well, but it was fun to spend a little more time with them and they also have adorable kids including Piper who is just a bit older than Mimi. Suffice it to say that all the cousins had a blast hanging out together. When the cousins were over we pretty much set the kids loose and visited with each other to the background noise of running, jumping, and giggling.

I also really talked to Kyle's grandpa for the first time. I mean, we've met and chatted a little, but never really talked. I have to tell you, he was a hoot! Hilarious, charming, and so loving in his words towards his wife. I really enjoyed our little conversation.

After our time in Salem we headed down to my parents in Salt Lake. They just moved into a condo that is much, much smaller than anything they have lived in for awhile. I love that they are downsizing and trying to simplify their lives. I really hope it will alleviate some of the stress in their lives.

The building they live in is in downtown Salt Lake and it was so cool that we WALKED places from their house rather than driving. It is hard to believe that my parents are doing the urban thing but I think it is SO awesome.

I've really gained an appreciation for my mom and all she does in her life. She takes care of many people and though she can get testy about it I see her really having a good attitude despite the burden. She was amazing during the trip, taking care of the kids, giving us rides whenever we needed after Kyle left (he drove home a few days early and the kids and I flew home).

My sister is also amazing. She threw a big surprise birthday party for Graham and my dad. (Graham's birthday is on the 12th and my dad's is on the 25th.) She really put a lot into it and had prizes and games and a zombie themed spread. She also purchased a lot of presents for all the kids. I'm not quite sure how to show her the appreciation she deserves for that, but I know Graham is working on a heartfelt thank you note.

We also took the kids to the famous Lagoon. Lagoon is Utah's premiere amusement park and it really is a good amusement park with multiple roller coasters, a great kid's section and a pioneer village. Going to Lagoon also gave the family a chance to hang out with our favorite uncle, Nigel. Nigel isn't really my kid's uncle; he is a super close family friend who has basically become family.

The Lagoon day did end on a bad note with the day going on a little long and some meltdowns and car trouble, but the first half of the day was great.

That evening Graham and I got to hang out with my favorite cousin on my mom's side, Adam, and his wife, Cindy. It has been so long since Adam and I really hung out and I think we could have talked all night. When we were kids we were super tight, and then again in our late teens, early twentys. It was a real treat and I hope they visit us in Portland soon.

Last but not least, I finally got to spend some real quality time with my dear, dear friend Seth. Honestly, the last time we were able to really talk, without being interrupted, one on one was probably 12 or 13 years ago. Sitting there talking with him I finally felt that connection again and it was easy to remember why we were so close and got along so well together. Though in many ways our personalities are very different, we also have some deep similarities and I think the combination is what works so well.

It was a double treat because my family got to hang out with his family TWICE... AND I got some one-on-one time. His family is lovely. His wife is SO gorgeous and kind and such a good mom. His kids are sweet and adorable and got along well with Mimi. (They are young so Graham hung out with the adults more, particularly Shannon, Seth's wife. They seemed to bond.)

In terms of family, meaning my mom and dad, I think the vacation went about 2 or 3 days too long. Friday morning everyone was still happy and getting along really well, but by Friday night I think the energy draining effect of two kids were taking a toll on my parents. Conversely, I think the lack of energy and patience from my parents in those last few days were taking a toll on my kids, and the combo was taking a toll on me. But alas, that is how it is with extended family. Wonderful in small doses.

I have a million other things to say, but I think I'm going to stop there for now. Farewell until I have time to write again. 

Summer Post #10

I'm sitting here procrastinating working out. It was weigh-in day and I lost two more pounds, which is awesome. I am two pounds away from breaking into another decade (if you know what I mean) and it is a decade that I haven't been in for a long, long time. Two things happen when I am successful with weight loss like this:

1. I feel good and confident to the point that I feel like it is "ok" to slack a little. You know, have an ice cream, skip a day of working out.

2. I feel even more determined to stay on it and stay focused because I am so close to a goal.

Yes, both these things happen simultaneously. I will be swayed either way depending on external factors. So, the fact that I didn't have time to work out this morning because Mimi had a doctor's appointment at 8:45 is not a good thing because as the day goes on I am less motivated to work out plus, you know, two more pounds...feeling a little too cocky here.

Also, after the doctor's appointment we spent the afternoon in the sun at the Jamison Square fountain so I'm all tired and burnt out from the sun. Oh yeah, I had a little ice cream while we were there too. So I really, really, really should go work out! I don't want to get all complacent because I am doing well and fuck it all up. Not to mention the fact that I am going on vacation on Friday and as much as I tell myself that I will be really mindful of eating on the trip and not go overboard, I ALWAYS end up being a glutton on vacations. So, I REALLY MUST GO WORK OUT NOW, right?

Ok, I've convinced myself. I'm going to finish this short post and then go work out.

I haven't started a new book though I have checked out two from the library and bought two new ones. I don't know why I l keep getting more and more books even though I already have a stack I haven't read yet. I figure I better start with the library books since I have them for a limited time. One is called "you against me" and the other is called "light beneath ferns". Weird. Both books titles are not capitalized on the front cover. Strange coincidence.

Now to log recent activities. Graham returned from his camping trip happy and sun burnt. He also has a small mark on his chest where his friend accidentally shot him with an air gun. Apparently Graham's friend's mom thought I would hate her and never let Graham hang out with them again. I am SO not that kind of mom. Shit happens, especially with kids. I can't stand moms that won't let their kids climb trees because they might fall out and get hurt. What kind of fucking world is it when kids can't climb trees anymore. So at some point I want to call the mom to thank her for giving Graham a wonderful camping trip and to assure her that I am not upset and will gladly let Graham stay with them again.

Having said all that, Graham was happy for two reasons. He was happy because he had a lot of fun camping, especially swimming in the lake. However, he was also happy to be home.

Since he had been camping and hiking and away from electronics for four days, I took the kiddos to Despicable Me 2 that afternoon (Saturday) and we had a jolly time. I don't think it was as good as the first one, but still very enjoyable. The little girl, Agnes, totally reminds me of Mimi.

On Sunday we walked over to the Woodstock Farmer's Market and bought some raspberries. Then we went to the library but, of course, Graham forgot his Summer Reading Card again, which has been done for months and he hasn't retrieved ANY of his prizes for it. I'm hoping they will let him take all three or four at once at not think he is just some kid that filled them all in for the prizes. The first week of summer that kid read A LOT!

That afternoon we headed over to the Portland Aquarium. My mother-in-law got us a year membership for Christmas and we had only been once before. It isn't all that great, but it is free for us and I figure we need to get our money's worth on the annual membership. Actually though, we really did have a lot of fun and both kids could have stayed in the shark room for hours and hours petting the stingrays and sharks. I especially enjoyed the shark talk given by one of the employees. Most of the kids and adults weren't really listening, still just trying to pet the animals. Then there's me. I am such a nerd and such a lover of learning at heart. I was intently listening to everything he said and I think he almost got annoyed with all the questions I asked. Although he did get really excited when he had just explained how the Black Fin Sharks can never stop swimming or they can't breath and they will drown and I asked if they slept. He enthusiastically explained how one half of their brain turns off so they can sleep and rest that part of the brain while the other half stays awake enough so they can swim. Then the brain halves switch so the other half can get a break. Isn't that completely fucking awesome! Yeah, I'm a BIG nerd.

Yesterday we just got a lot of stuff done, both everyday stuff and stuff in preparation for our trip to SLC later this week. I worked in the yard for about 1.5 hours and now I have multiple splinters in my hands and feet and one really nice blister on my thumb. I think the yard looks better though and hopefully it will make a good impression on potential buyers of our neighbors house. Not that I want our neighbors to leave. They really are the best neighbors ever, but I want the best for them and they are ready for more room so I'm willing to help however I can. Plus I want them to attract buyers that I like. I told them when they get an offer they need approval from me on the people that want to buy. I was kidding, of course. (Kind of)

And that brings me back to today. We took Mimi to her 4 year old appointment. She is completely healthy and normal. Then we went to Powell's where I once again spent money I shouldn't on books for all three of us. Afterwards we went to Whole Foods and grabbed some lunch which we ate at the park before playing on the playground for awhile. Finally, we splashed around the fountain at Jamison Square for about two hours, ending the festivities with a little ice cream.

Mimi is now asleep and Graham rode his bike over to a friend's house. And me? I'm going to go put on my tennis shoes and get on the Lifecycle and ride for 40 minutes. Thanks for helping to convince me to do the right thing.

I Think This Is #9 ?

Today was a great day! It was a great day because it wasn't forced fun; there were no expectations. See, I was thinking about that the other day, forced fun. The first time I heard this term used was by my senior year A.P. Biology teacher. I think we asked her what she was going to do for New Year's Eve and she said that she didn't do anything for New Year's Eve because it is forced fun and forced fun is never that fun.

I think I realized right away that she was correct and I as the years have gone on I've come to fully agree with her on the issue of forced fun. Frankly, I can only remember one really, really good New Year's Eve and it was good because my boyfriend was out of town so I just kind of decided at the last minute what to do and didn't have any expectations.

Now that I'm a mom I don't really do anything special for New Year's Eve so it isn't bad, but nothing great either. But back when I used to actually do things on New Year's Eve, they almost always turned out bad or were a disappointment. This holds true for days like St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo as well. Days made for the soul purpose of having a reason to go out and drink and "party", but with these extra expectations of having an especially good time. You don't really need a reason to go out; if you want to go out go out and you will most likely have a better time because you really wanted to go out rather than going out because it is a designated day that you are "supposed" to go out.

So again, the problem is when we have specific expectations for the fun activity in which we are planning to participate. No one can predict the future and there are all kinds of factors that may change the outcome of a day or night. An activity may not go the way you would have expected it to if you had expectations, but can still be a lot of fun. The problem is, if you think about the expectations ahead of time, no matter how fun the experience is, you will still be disappointed because it didn't go the way you planned. If you didn't have the expectations in the first place then any fun can be truly enjoyed.

Other than designated days for forced fun, I also think we create expectations for activities when we are trying to re-create something. Maybe you had an amazing camping trip so you decide to go back to the same place next year and you want it to be the same as the year before, but it can't. It is not the year before. It is a new year and you are a year older and the people you are with are a year older and maybe there are different people camping near you or the weather is different and it just can't be exactly the same, but you want it to be so badly that you just can't enjoy the trip, no matter if the trip really is very fun.

I think I have been guilty of doing this for summer in general. I have had some really amazing summers and though I always look forward to summer, NEED summer by the time it comes, and enjoy summer, some are better than others.

The summer Mimi was born was one of the best summers of my life. Graham and the Baby Beorn were my best friends. I strapped Mimi onto my chest, and Graham and I were out hiking almost every day. "Hiking" might be hiking 4 miles in the Gorge or walking through the Rhododendron Gardens, but we were outside, amongst plants, walking most days. It was a phenomenal summer and none of it was planned. I mean, I had a newborn; I had no plans other than changing diapers, breast feeding, and being a mom. But Mimi turned out the be an easy baby that loved being out and about as long as she was cuddled up next to my chest and both Graham and I are restless; we don't really like just hanging around the house. So everyday it was just like, "Hey, let's go get breakfast and the Multnomah Falls Lodge and go for a hike," or "Wanna walk down to the Rhododendron Gardens?" It was organic with no expectations bringing true happiness to us.

I think I tend to plan too much for summer activities. I want to be biking and hiking and swimming and outdoor playing all summer, and there is nothing wrong with that. But I try to plan the activities ahead of time: "Tuesday we will finish swimming class, pack lunches, and head down to Jamison Square. Wednesday we will ride our bikes down to Johnson Creek and look for crawdads." I do this with no sense of how we will feel that day. Did we get enough sleep? What is the weather like? I'm trying to recreate past summers that cannot be re-created and were only great because they happened organically.

So, yesterday I just happened to be looking on the internet; I think I was looking for when the Sellwood Pool has open swim time. I happened across a mention of the Leach Botanical Gardens and went to their website. It looked really cool and I knew at some point this summer I wanted to check it out.

Mimi and I had planned to either go to Jamison Square or the river today. I had planned to get up at 7:15 like I do every morning and work out. When I woke up, however, with Mimi in bed with me (because she always comes into my room early in the morning) we just cuddled and giggled and stayed in bed for awhile. I REALLY didn't feel like doing the same old workout and then rushing to get ready for swimming. I really just wanted to have a chill morning and drink coffee and actually make some eggs for breakfast. So, I did.

I was able to get some little things done and enjoy my coffee and take time getting Mimi ready for swimming. However, there was still the issue of making sure to get some exercise before the day was complete. So, out of the blue I asked Mimi if she wanted to ride in the bike trailer, later today after swimming, and go out to the sheep farm (a little before 172nd on the Springwater Corrider Trail) and then ride over to the Botanical Gardens and check it out. (The Gardens are a little less than a mile south of Foster on 122nd...easy to get to from the trail.) She was game.

So, that's what we did and it was wonderful and I got some good exercise dragging her and her trailer on my bike and it was just lovely. I never knew about the Botanical Gardens and it is a really awesome place; I recommend it highly. It's free too, so that is a plus. Mimi and I saw hobbit houses and pixies, heard fairies rustling in the bushes and possibly the galloping of a unicorn. Today was what summer is about.

Not that we didn't have a good time at the Sellwood Pool yesterday; we had a blast. But it wasn't spontaneous and magical like today was.

In other news, Graham called me today from Estacada. I had planned on him calling me yesterday, so I was feeling a little nervous that I hadn't heard from him. They didn't end up driving to town yesterday so he didn't have cell service. So today he called and he is safe and fine so that is a weight off my shoulders. He wasn't very verbose so it is hard to tell if he is having a good time, miserable, or somewhere in the middle,  but at least I know he is alright and I get to see him tomorrow.

Finally, I finished the book "Uses for Boys" and it was alright. Like I said before, I think it was a superb choice for subject matter as I think there are lots of girls out there that could relate. I also think the author did an excellent job of describing and capturing sex and making love, what it is like when it is a one night stand, what it is like when you are young and head over heels in love. But I still think the book lacked some depth, especially in terms of character development. Rather than making a stylistic choice to leave a lot for the reader to infer, it felt like the author said so little because she didn't know how to articulate what needed to be said. So yeah, interesting read but nothing stellar.

I'm thinking I might not start a new book for awhile because next week is pretty busy, getting ready to go to Salt Lake and then I will be in Salt Lake for over a week and I know that will be very busy. I've been doing most of my reading during Mimi's daily swim classes and those are over for awhile so, we'll see.

I'm anxious for Tuesday's weigh in and will keep you updated whether the results are good or not. I promise to always be honest on this blog. Ok....toodaloo!

NOT Daily Post #8

Wow, it has been two weeks since I have written on my blog! I need to be more diligent about writing. Time to try to recap what has been going on with books, health, and good old summer fun.
It is going to take me a minute to think of all the books I have read so far this summer.

1. Freewill
2. You Don't Know Me But You Don't Like Me
3. 34 Pieces of You
4. Bad Girls Don't Die
5. I Will Save You
6. Dirty Little Secret
7. After
8. Uses for Boys

I was reading I Will Save You last time I wrote, and I really liked it. I can't really say much about it without giving away the plot, but it was well written, interesting, and most importantly, I cared about the characters.

Dirty Little Secrets was about a teenager whose mother is a hoarder. The book really goes into details about this mental illness and it peaked my interest enough that I researched the illness myself which was kind of a bad idea because it made me all paranoid that Graham exhibits hoarding behavior. Of course, much of what I read talked about understanding the difference between normal kid hoarding and the actual mental illness. I think those of us that have mental illnesses see mental illness in everyone else. We are always diagnosing others. Having said that, I think most terms for varying mental illnesses are just words to describe a set of behaviors. Everyone has abnormal behaviors which actually makes it normal. What I am saying is that in a way everyone displays some characteristics of mental illness; some just exhibit it in more extreme ways and/or have multiple characteristics so they (we) are diagnosed with an actual term to describe it. OK, enough on my tangent about mental illness. The book was alright, but the whole middle section was just pages and pages describing the disgusting, mess of a house. I get that the author wanted the reader to really get how bad it was, but at a certain point I got it and would have preferred the story just move along. The ending was satisfying though.

After was a pretty intense book, but I liked it. It was about a girl who had everything going for her. She was an excellent student and a star soccer player. Her dad was gone and her mom wasn't as responsible as she was. The, the girl breaks her own rule and has sex, just once, and gets pregnant. However, she doesn't really realize she is pregnant, or subconsciously she does but is in a sort of denial. When she actually has the baby, alone, in her mom's apartment, she puts the baby in the dumpster behind the apartments. She ends up getting caught and going to a juvenile detention center. The book focuses on her slow progress coming out of the denial. If I had tackled this story, I probably would have gone about it a little differently, but I still liked the book a lot.

I am currently reading Uses for Boys. It is about the classic scenario of the girl who has no father figure, and in the book's case a distant mother as well, and tries to find value and comfort in boys and sex. I can tell you as a middle school teacher that this kind of girl exists. This scenario happens too often. However I also don't love the way the author is tackling the subject. It is hard to explain what I mean. It is written in short, choppy chapters with a lot of snippets of the main character's thoughts with a lot to be inferred. But because those snippets of thoughts are the same ones repeated over and over I as a reader am not getting the depth of the character I could if it was written differently.

So, that's where I am on the book front. It will be cool to keep track of just how many books I read this summer and what they are. People always ask me what I've been reading and I always blank out and don't have an answer, but by writing this all down I think I will be able to answer that question much more accurately.

Health: I'm sure I gained some weight the week my friend was here because there was a lot of eating and drinking going on. However, there was some decent activity as well. As a result I chose not to weigh myself for awhile, even after "getting back on the (health) wagon". I know a lot of people that disagree with the idea of not weighing yourself when you know it will be bad, that you are trying to fool yourself and therefore won't be as successful in your weight loss. That may very well be true for certain people.

Like most people, I respond better to positive reinforcement than negative, but I think I respond worse to negative reinforcement than a lot of people. Seeing a significant weight gain on the scale can make me feel very dejected. I know I probably gained weight, so I really don't need to see the actual number and am motivated to get back to a good weight before I weigh myself so I can have a nice surprise.

After a week of the old eating right/exercise routine I weighed myself and I was pleased. I am back to the weight I was before I gained the three pounds. I'm feeling pretty good about that. I also realized something. Before I started really trying to lose weight again because of my knee I had a natural resting spot for my weight possibly fluctuated a few pounds here and there. Then I lost those ten pounds back in March. I fell off the wagon for awhile and assumed I had gained it all back, but never checked. Now, I am back on the wagon. I actually think I have maintained that ten pound loss. I wasn't actively losing any weight for awhile, but I think I've been healthy enough to adjust my resting weight, which does happen after you maintain a certain weight for awhile. Having an average weight of ten pounds less than it has been for years is pretty awesome and I think I deserve to feel good about that.

Completely switching gears, my good high school friend came to visit for almost a week. Kyle and the kids headed to the coast that Tuesday afternoon and I picked up my friend at the airport at 10:30 at night. We went back to my place and talked and talked and talked, until like 3:30 in the morning. I can't remember the last time I stayed up until 3:30. It was awesome.

We got up the next day and after a nice breakfast out headed to the coast to meet up with the family. It was really fun to watch my friend's reaction to the northwest coast which is very different from the coast she is used to in Florida. I think the northwest is amazingly beautiful and the coast and quaint little coastal towns are no exception. She obviously saw the same thing I did and it was just really awesome to get to share it with someone that has never seen it or been exposed to it.

We did some walking on the beach, some Apples to Apples at the beach house, a small town 4th of July parade, a BBQ, and watched a pretty amazing professional fireworks show on the beach. The last day we took a beautiful hike down to Indian beach and stopped at the Tillamook Cheese Factory on the way home.

The last day she was here was nearly a perfect day. She and I biked for a while up the beautiful Springwater trail and then get over to this place called Edgefield. It is hard to explain Edgefield to someone that has never been there or to any of the other McMenamin's "resorts". Edgefield is a huge plot of land with lodging, different restaurants and bars and a winery, and a golf course. It is covered in gardens, including vegetable gardens and has a huge field where they hold concerts. MecMenamin's also brews their own beer. It is a beautiful place and we spent the day there eating, drinking, and wandering around the gardens. Then, we rode our bikes home. Seriously, biking, drinking, and gardens...three of my very, very favorite things. Doesn't get much better.

After she left it was back to our busy routines. Swim, Dance, Camps...In a lot of ways we are just as busy this summer as we are during the school year. There is a lot of rushing around to get to camps or classes on time and there are many days I don't shower, which is kind of gross since I workout most days, often in the morning. But the truth is when I know I am just going to sweat going hiking or biking later or get dirty swimming in the river at the beach it seems stupid to shower first.

Mimi is still in swimming and hip-hop dance class. Graham was involved in a camp last week that was custom made for him. It was a film making class and over the course of the week they made a zombie movie. Graham ended up being on the acting side of the camera a lot which is no surprise since he is a talented actor. For those of you that don't know Graham was to direct movies, specifically dark movies, horror movies, and comedy/horror movies. So as a said, this camp was custom made for him. They are going to send us a copy of the movie and I can't wait to see it.

Graham also hit a major milestone in growing up this week, he left his family for multiple days. Graham has never been away from me for more than a night except when he went to Las Vegas with my parents to see The Lion King musical and that was only two nights.

On Saturday he went with his friend's family to Long Beach, WA to stay on the beach for two nights. He was very nervous and pre-homesick and asked to take a picture of me with him. While he was gone he called me many times a day. I'm going to tell you right now, I cried when I was driving away from dropping him off at their house.

He came back Monday, stayed with us Monday and last night, and I just dropped him off at their house again this morning for a THREE night camping trip where there will not be cell phone reception. Though it is nice to be a little less busy with only one child, it will be strange and I will miss him dearly. However, I do feel a little better this time despite it being a longer trip in the woods because now that he already did it once and had a good time I am a little more at ease and he was definitely less nervous this time now that he is used to being with them and away from me. Also, his mom said they will drive into town a few times so he can call me. Obviously I trust this family and am very fond of them or I wouldn't have let him go.

Mimi and I have been doing this like hiking at Oaks Bottom and going to the river beach and going to the park. Sometimes we just like to put on our bathing suits and get out the kiddie pool and hang in the backyard. By the way, I love my yard. Both of us are outdoors lovers so that is where we spend most of our time. However, I have accomplished some cleaning and laundry between activities which is nice because if I keep things clean then I have more time to enjoy summer.

So, that pretty much brings us up to date. I am going to try to write more often from now on and then the posts won't have to be so long.

Also, if you are reading these, I never proof-read so please don't judge me; I have more important things to do (hiking, biking, playing) than proof-read.   : )

Daily Post #7

Tuesday was weigh in today. Remember how I said that I hoped I maintained my weight from the week before? I had really hoped that despite not eating/drinking wonderfully that all my exercise kept my weight in check? Well, I gained three pounds.

Food is my weakness. It is so easy to overeat, or not realize what you are putting in your mouth if you don't keep track of it religiously. Also, I drank beer last week and I really think beer is my biggest downfall when it comes to weight loss.It's hard for me to believe that I ate and drank enough to gain THREE POUNDS despite all my activity. But, it is what it is and it won't be coming off this week because my friend is here from Florida and we are going to the coast and I plan to eat and drink and be merry. I will try to be somewhat careful, though, and maintain my weight.

I have to wonder if there is more going on. Weight is tricky. It can fluctuate a lot for many different reasons. Regardless, it is good to see a gain like that to remind myself that I have to be diligent on the food end; the exercise is not enough.

Regardless, I'm still feeling pretty good, all tan and enjoying summer. Not a lot else to talk about but I am sure I will have lots to say on my next post after fun at the coast for the fourth.

Summer Daily Blog #6

See what happens when I give myself permission NOT to write everyday? It's been a week since I have written! Oh well. So let's see...what's been going on?

Since reading 34 Pieces of You I read a YA Supernatural/Ghost book. Though most YA ghost stories are fairly similar and quite predictable, I still find them entertaining. However, I was impressed with this one. It's called Bad Girls Don't Die and the ending did follow the standard, predictable ghost story ending. However, the first 3/4 of the book did not focus on the ghost story at all; instead the writing focused on the character development of the protagonist and that made for a much more interesting story.

Now I am reading a book called I Will Save You and so far it is pretty good. Much like 34 Pieces of You it begins with a big event that the reader can't fully understand and then, through flashbacks, the story slowly unfolds. If I like this one I may get some others by the same author. I'm heading to the beach on Wednesday for a few days so I should probably take a few books. Then again, my friend from Florida is coming with us so I may be more into chatting than reading.

But before discussing future events, let's talk about my very busy past week. On Wednesday Mimi and I went to Sky High, the trampoline place. They added a new "kid's room" which is a big carpeted area with tumbling mats and toys and books and one of those indoor play structures, like a mini version of what they have at PDX Playdate. Anyway, she wanted to check that out too so for three extra dollars she could jump on the trampolines and play in the kid's room. In the end she only jumped for about five minutes and spent the rest of the time in the kid's room. She didn't want to leave after an hour (you pay by the hour) so I decided to get her another hour JUST for the kid's room. BUT...if you are not using the kid's room in conjunction with jumping then the kid's room costs eight dollars an hour. So, the bottom line is, I paid a whole lot of money for two hours in a carpeted tumbling room, especially considering PDX Playdate is a flat fee and you can play as long as you want. Regardless, she had a great time and made some friends and that is what really matters. It was pretty funny when there were three boys, Mimi, and one other girl in the kid's room and Mimi was wrestling with the three boys. I just have to remember moments like that every time she asks me if she can have high heels or lipstick or a pink princess dress. Deep down she really is my child, it is just hidden behind pink, girly fluff.

On Thursday we went to the Children's Museum and I made a great discovery: Late afternoon is the BEST time to go to places for kids. Usually when I'm taking the kids somewhere like the Children's Museum I'm all about getting there as early as possible, thinking I will "beat the crowds" yet somehow it never works out that way. The truth is, ALL parents with younger children are getting up early and trying to beat the crowd so everything ends up being crowded after all. Getting there at two, however, was perfect. It was not crowded at all and Mimi didn't have to fight her way through exhibits or wait long minutes to get a turn. We were able to hit EVERYTHING in two hours.

Our trip to the zoo on Friday is more evidence to my new theory that late afternoon is best, though heat may have been a factor as well. We went to the zoo on Friday around 1:30 and it was not very crowded at all. It was awesome. We got to see both the penguins and the sea otter being fed and there was no crowd so we were able to stand right in front and watch the whole thing. Now, as I said, maybe the lack of crowds was due to the hot temperatures, but I'm still thinking late afternoon may be my new trick.

As I said in an earlier blog, Graham was at zoo camp all week. Zoo camp was great because it EXHAUSTED Graham. He was super tired every night. On Wednesday Graham's camp stayed after closing, until nine, and they had a nighttime scavenger hunt all over the zoo and saw a lot of animals active at night that don't usually demonstrate a lot of activity. When Graham got home that night, he was all glossy eyed and barely said anything to me before going straight to his room and falling promptly asleep. I think I got my money's worth with this camp.

Saturday the kids and I went up to Horsetail Falls to beat the heat. We hiked the 2 mile loop and it was very shady and pleasant. I was really impressed with Mimi as she hiked almost the whole thing herself and the first half is pretty much all up hill. She only asked me to carry her at the very end when we were heading down the steep trail to the road. I probably ended up carrying her .2 miles. Both kids were happy and cheerful, no complaining, and we hand a wonderful morning.

When we got home we broke out the kiddie pool and spent the afternoon in the sun and water. We got a new patio umbrella so now there is actually some shade in the backyard. Graham usually doesn't hang out back there with us as much because he really isn't a fan of the heat and sun, but now that he can sit in the shade he has been out there with us a lot more.

Kyle made on awesome dinner on the grill: chicken and a vegetable roast...YUM!

Last time I made a blog entry it was weigh in day and I had lost two pounds, which I was feeling pretty good about. The thing is, everything is so psychosomatic. I really think that what we see literally changes based on what someone said or what the scale said or the size of pants we do or don't fit into. Anyway, in the last week I have seen three different people that I haven't seen in awhile who genuinely complimented my looks. I say genuinely because all three said it in an almost surprised way, or like they were in awe. I guess I could take that as a put down like, "Oh my god! You have always been such a fatty! I can't believe you look trim!" But I don't really take it that way. I just take it that I look noticeably different to them than the last time they saw me to my benefit.

So anyway, that makes me feel good and I start thinking, "Hmmm, maybe my body is showing my weight loss/fitness more than I think it is. I mean, we are our own harshest critics, right? Everyone knows that we all have fucked up body images of ourselves, right?" But then again, I was wearing shorts all three times.

Here's the thing, people always ask me if I have lost weight when they see me in shorts for the first time, or if they haven't seen me in shorts in a really long time. I have really thin, muscular legs. I think people see those legs and think, "Wow, she must have lost weight," when really my legs always look that way regardless of how fat I am. I just look better when I can show off that not fat part of my body...which is why I prefer summer and hate pants.

Based on the scale and the compliments I thought I started seeing some changes in the mirror. The problem is when I start believing that I'm really thinning up and looking good I go too easy on myself. With food, that is. Never with fitness. So, I have not been great with food the last week. I wouldn't say I have been horrible, but certainly not religiously following the foods and portions I had planned for myself. Over the course of the week I have looked at myself in the mirror many times and seen different things depending on the moment. In the morning I think, "Yeah, you are looking pretty good," then after lunch getting into the shower it's all "What the hell happened? Four hours ago you looked good, now you look all blobby again?" I'm telling you, it's all in the head and I'll probably never really know what I look like to others.

The good news is, I have been working out religiously and I finally went on that long, lone bike ride I've been waiting to go on for a few weeks now. Sunday morning I drove out to the Banks-Vernonia trail and parked at the Manning trail head. I biked from there to Vernonia and back for a total of 36 miles. Not a huge ride, but still a lot more than I have had time to do lately. It. Was. Wonderful.

I had never ridden the trail before and I was worried about doing a semi-long ride on such a hot day especially since I didn't even get started until 10. But the trail is shaded almost the entire way! It is amazing, like someone just bulldozed a trail straight through an evergreen forest. I was riding between huge, towering trees much of the time thinking "I am in the middle of the forest!" which wasn't exactly true but...it felt good, it smelled good, and it looked spectacular.

Vernonia is an adorable little town. Once you get to Vernonia the trail leads to a little lake called Virginia Lake and continues all the way around the lake. I saw people fishing and lots of birds and it was very tranquil. On the other side of the main street is another park with a really cool, old-school swimming hole. The main street has lots of cute little shops and restaurants and I stopped at the Bear Creek Pub (or something like that) and had a beer and a BLT before heading back. What a wonderful ride! I am really hoping that my husband will let me go on a long, solo ride at least once every two weeks, if not more. I'd like to try to ride a few more miles each time and build up my stamina to what it once was.

So, not too shabby in the fitness arena; we will see what the scale says tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers for being the same as last week, hoping the exercise countered the food and I didn't gain anything.

After I got home from my bike ride I took a shower and cleaned up in order to go on a date with my little man to The Addams Family musical at Keller Auditorium. I love when Graham and go on dates to plays or the ballet together. The show had a great set and was very funny. Both Graham and I enjoyed ourselves and it was a great end to a great weekend. 

Now I'm just getting ready for my friend to come into town tomorrow night. Kyle and the kids are heading down to the coast tomorrow afternoon and then my friend and I are going to drive down Wednesday morning. We are staying in Rockaway until the 5th. I'm excited to spend the 4th in a little beach town and expose my friend, who lives in Florida, to what a beach is in the Northwest. Not sure when I will get a chance to check in again, but I will try not to make it a whole week this time.

Summer Daily Blog #5

When I started this entry it was Sunday and the final day of my first week of blogging. However, it is Tuesday now and I still haven't finished this entry. This shows that my original plan of writing an entry EVERY day is not going to happen; it is just unrealistic. But, writing 4 or 5 times a week is pretty good and gives me ample opportunity to communicate what is going on with me this summer. So, I will now scroll down a few paragraphs and finish my blog from Sunday adding information about the last few days.

I finished the Nathan Rabin book yesterday. It was kind of a glorious, lazy morning. I worked out first thing, but then I sat around on the patio reading and drinking coffee. I didn't do much else until we went to a friend's birthday party/bbq later that day.

Overall my perspective of the book is the same as my last post. I loved the book because I related so much to Rabin and his writing. The structure surrounding his experiences was much different than mine; I was never following bands in order to write books about obsessive fans while in my thirties. However, the experiences themselves were similar to some of mine and the way he describes them is very similar to the way I would describe my own parallel experiences. I also agree with so much of what he said or the way he sees things.

Before being done with discussing this book, I want to share one section of it.

"Something was wrong with me. Something was desperately wrong with me on the road, but I didn't know what it was. That ignorance was simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating. I am not immune to the tawdry, self-mythologizing romance of depression and mental illness. It's one of the few perks of being a crazy person.
'I think it sounds like,' my psychiatrist began brightly, 'judging from your experiences on the road, that you might have a mild case of' ---she paused dramatically, or at least it felt that way to me--- 'bipolar disorder.'
...When I told people later of the bipolar diagnosis, nobody seemed the least bit surprised. No one muttered, 'That can't be right! Not you! You seem so sane and grounded!' Instead the responses I received were more of the 'Well, duh!' and 'What took them so long to figure that shit out?' variety.
...Now I was able to put a name to that unsettling and oddly intoxicating feeling I'd been experiencing for the past few months: bipolar disorder. I was bipolar, which felt like both a cause for relief and a cause for concern.
When I mentioned the bipolar diagnosis to my therapist (I'm one of those lucky souls who gets to see both a therapist and a psychiatrist) later, she said her colleagues joked that there were primarily two kinds of bipolar disorder. There was the kind that got you promoted and the kind that got you arrested. I was pretty sure I had the first kind. I feared that unless it was treated, it would morph into the second variety. The diagnosis lent clarity to emotions I'd been experiencing over the course of the tour even if it felt a little fuzzy."

These paragraphs could seriously have been written by me. Just change "on the road" and "over the course of the tour" to "in my life" and you've got pretty much the exact same experience. I even have both a therapist and psychiatrist like Rabin. : )

Luckily for me, I found out in my early twenties, not my thirties like Rabin. For me, the diagnosis was mostly a good thing. I remember having these feelings at a pretty young age. What I really remember viscerally, however, was feeling them in my teens and the overwhelming sense that I had no control. The lack of control of my feelings and emotions and the scary unknown, not understanding why I felt that way or what the fuck was going on was horrible. The diagnosis took most of that away. I had a semblance of control because it was no longer an unknown. I knew what it was now, where it came from. I had a starting place to try and grasp it and begin to learn some control. It wasn't scary to try to control it now that I knew what it was. So much was lifted off my shoulders because of that. And even though I still had bouts of serious mania for a while after starting medication (because it takes more than medication to get it under control) they never, ever felt as bad again simply because I understood them now. So yeah, there is my tangent about me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. A little peek into Sydney's brain. Completely moving on now...

Between the time I started this blog on Sunday and now, I read another book. Just your standard YA fiction about teenage angst. It is called "34 Pieces of You" and it was written by Carmen Rodrigues. I liked it; I even teared up a little at the end. It wasn't anything spectacular, no John Greene or anything, but it was a good, solid book that touched upon some truths for kids who are abused and/or depressed and what they go through and what can happen as a result. So, now I have to decide what book I am going to read next.

Back to Sunday: It was Mimi's first summer session soccer class. She has moved up to the next level. It was pouring rain the entire practice but strangely very warm. After soccer, since it was so rainy, I took the kids to Monster University. I wasn't too enthusiastic, thinking it wouldn't be very good, but I really liked it. It wasn't as good as the first one which was brilliant, but it was still really enjoyable. The best part, however, was looking over at Mimi and seeing how excited and happy she was watching it. She kept giggling with glee and bouncing in her over-sized movie chair. It was awesome.

Monday Graham started Zoo Camp with his buddy, Cameron. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I am taking the boys and Cameron's mom is picking up. We are switching roles on Thursday and Friday. On Monday morning we had to get up pretty early and get our shit together because thanks to morning traffic getting all the way across town from SE Portland to the zoo takes at least a half an hour and they needed to be checked in by 9:00. It all worked out though and went pretty smoothly again this morning. It is great not having to worry about picking Graham up and having the rest of the day to do whatever I want/need.

Mimi also started her new swimming class yesterday and that's great because it is a half and hour that I get to read. She also had her second hip-hop class yesterday and she is getting better. She does a mean "Roger". Other than that, Mimi and I went to the park and hung around at home and FINALLY cleaned her disaster of a room.

This morning was weigh-in day. I haven't been perfect eating-wise the last week, but pretty damn good. I have been working out religiously and being generally active in my daily activities. Still, I wasn't sure what to expect. I am pleased to say that I am down two pounds.

Of course, there is so much more to it than the actual pounds. I don't feel thinner, and that kind of sucks. The other thing that sucks is that if I weighed what I weigh now ten years ago, my body would look AWESOME! As you get older you lose muscle mass and you have weird, loose, saggy skin from having babies and gaining and losing weight over and over again. I mean, I am two pounds away from what used to be my stopping point, the weight that left me totally satisfied with my body. I am not even close to satisfied with my body right now because it looks like it is ten pounds heavier than it did at this weight when I was younger. And the other shitty thing is, no matter how much I lose, that saggy skin will not go away. So yeah, it is kind of a bummer. But...

But, but, but...those are not things to get hung up on. I am a 38 year old woman and there is no need for a 38 year old married mom to worry too much about how she looks naked or in a bikini. What matters is that I look and feel good in clothes I like, that I am able to do all the activities I want to without struggles (other than my knee, of course, which I can't control), and that I am free of health issues and putting less weight on my knee so it will last longer before I have to get a replacement. I think those are things that I can maintain.

Tomorrow Mimi and I are probably going to Sky High, the trampoline place because that is what she wants to do. We also have plans to go to the Children's Museum on Thursday and the Zoo on Friday since we have to go up there anyway to pick up the boys both days.

I was planning on doing a 30 mile ride last Sunday, but the rain turned me off. So, I'm thinking I might see if I can do that Saturday. Of course now it is supposed to be super hot on Saturday, but I'd still like to do it. My plan is to ride the Vernonia bike trail, which I've never done before. It's 15 miles so 30 there and back. I'm hoping to get an early start so the heat won't be too much of an issue.

Finally, Graham and I are going to see the musical "The Addams Family" on Sunday night at the Keller Auditorium. The kid loves plays, what can I say? He loves musicals, comedies, and Gothic things. He particularly likes Gothic things that are kind of funny or a parody. So when he begged me to go I couldn't turn him down. It should be fun.

Summer Daily Blog #3

Well, I missed my Tuesday blog because my computer went KAPUTT! This has been a long time coming. My computer started acting weird in November and at first I assumed it was the hard drive so I was planning on buying myself a new one. As usual, however, I can never justify spending money on myself when there are bills, kid's clothes, and many other things to pay for, so I never bought one. Now I'm not sure it actually is the hard drive and it would suck to buy one and then not have that be the problem.

The computer has really gone on the fritz the last few days and Kyle and I keep talking about how I really need to back up all my stuff before I lose it all, but of course we haven't got around to it. So now, my computer will turn on, but it can't start up. Kyle is hoping there is still a way he can back up my stuff. There are so many pictures of the kids, music, movies, documents. I know, I know; I'm an idiot for not backing up everything in the first place.

Anyway, because of this I couldn't write my Wednesday blog entry last night. Today I am doing it on Kyle's computer. So, let's see; what did we do yesterday? I went to the coffee shop and read again while Mimi was at Do Jump. Graham stayed home this time. I have SO much to say about the Phish/Juggalo book I am reading, but more about that later.

After Do Jump we picked up Graham and went to Barnes and Noble. My mom recently sent both the kids gift cards so they wanted to use them. I also bought myself two YA books while we were there. We also went to Target because I really want an umbrella for our patio table so we can have shade back there when we want to. Of course with the weather lately it isn't really necessary.

So, after our retail adventures we went swimming at the community center which is always fun. Graham is on hiatus from swim classes because we just couldn't fit them in with his busy summer schedule so I want to go swimming as much as we can so he can practice and not lose his skills. Due to her swimming classes, Mimi is also getting much more comfortable and independent in the water. We are all always exhausted after swimming.

At home I worked out while Graham read and rode his bike and Mimi was so exhausted she fell asleep. This is not good. When she takes a nap too late in the day she really struggles with going to sleep at night. Sure enough she didn't fall asleep last night until 10:30.

Alright, I really, really want to talk about the book I am reading but there is so much to say and I really need to organize the information or I will just be rambling. So, I'm going to stop for now and come back later to finish the blog.

Summer Daily Blog #4

So, I never returned to yesterday's blog to finish it. Discussing this book I am so engrossed in is exciting but daunting. I have a lot to say about it. So, before I begin I'm going to update the other aspects of my last few days.

The kids and I didn't really do much of anything interesting yesterday. Graham had a play date with a friend and Mimi and I just hung around the house cleaning and playing. Today, however, was a great day. It was Mimi's last Do Jump class and they gave a little performance which I video taped and hope to post on facebook soon. The kids were adorable and it was obvious that Mimi was super excited. Graham was also really excited for her which was super cute.

After Mimi's performance we all went to Krueger's Farm on Sauvie Island. We picked fresh blackberries, strawberries, and raspberries. It is amazing how much better fresh picked berries taste compare to grocery store bought, so good! Now I just want to eat nothing but the berries for the rest of the day.

We also packed a lunch and ate under our favorite tree on the farm. Sitting there, under that tree, looking at the breathtaking view of the hills and the trees and the quaint little farm houses in the sun was perfect. When the school year is almost over and I am desperately awaiting summer, imagining what I want summer to be, this is it. Sitting under an amazing tree surrounded by amazing beauty eating pb and js and berries with my two wonderful children.

After eating lunch and visiting the chickens and cows we headed to the Sauvie Island beach on the Columbia River. It wasn't super hot today so we weren't actually swimming or anything, but we spent an hour there playing in the sand and wading in the river and chasing each other around. It was wonderful.

Of course after such a busy day, Mimi fell asleep in the car. I'm done fighting her natural inclinations. It's summer; we can go with the flow. Since she napped she will not fall asleep until late tonight, but tomorrow is Saturday and she can sleep in as late as she needs to sleep.

In other good news my body has finally acclimated to the new, healthier amount of food I've been eating. For a few days there I was just hungry all the time. My body has "clicked" now and feels satiated by appropriate amounts of food. Obviously, activity hasn't been a problem and the beer ban is going strong. I haven't actually had any alcohol, though I figured if the need presented itself I could have a gin and soda with lime. So far, though, I've been fine without partaking...it is the weekend however. : )

So, the book. The book is called You Don't Know Me But You Don't Like Me and as stated before it is by Nathan Rabin. I guess the first thing is how much I relate to Rabin and how he writes. Rather than writing an anthropological/sociological study of Phish and ICP fans, he wrote a book of his own musings and thoughts about life and himself. That is exactly the kind of writing I do which I've come to assume no one else would really want to read. I mean, how self-absorbed. Yet, I am enjoying reading his musings immensely so, maybe others would enjoy my musings. But I digress.

Rabin is basically sewing his wild oats during the course of this book, but rather than doing it at 18 or even 25, he is doing it in his thirties after already establishing a professional career for himself. As he discusses his at times fun, deep, intense, and horrifying adventures I can't help but compare them to my own, when I "sewed my wild oats". A lot of what he experiences is very similar to what I experienced, not only externally but also internally. Some of the things he says really resonate with me as spot on. For instance: "Drug friendships all too often consist of two people tricking themselves into thinking they're less alone by sharing their vices." Totally true and totally reminds me of a friendship I once had with a girl named Hillary. Having said that, I have good friends that I did lots of drugs with but the friendships were real; they weren't "drug friendships". But there are friendships that are purely based on the shared drug use.

While discussing an experience at a Phish show and Phish fans in general he says, "Every Phish fan has that ultimate Phish story, that time they risked losing their job or skipped their best friend's wedding or gave up an opportunity to make a lot of money because it was more important for them to drive fifteen hours with their buddy to hit some show that would live forever in their memories..." Now, I would not describe myself as a Phish fan, not now, not ever. But I liked Phish and definitely digged the Phish culture. Some of my dearest friends were huge Phish fans and that is how I got involved in the scene. It wasn't constant either; I dipped into the scene here and there, saw a few shows. However, I have one of those Phish memories, like Rabin describes above, when I was a student at the University of Washington in Seattle.

 My best friend and his brother and brother's friends were going to Phish concerts in Spokane and Missoula. Frankly, I'm not even sure if I have the cities right. I think they picked me up in Seattle, but I'm not even sure about that either. All I know is it was fairly unplanned. They said they were passing through, did I want to go to these Phish concerts with them, and I was like "Ok".

My friend and I didn't have tickets for the Spokane show, only the rest of the gang had them. We were hoping we could score some tickets when we got there, but we never did. So, we hung out in the "Lot", smoked weed and philosophized as the two of us were prone to do. I remember telling him something pretty personal that night, something so personal I won't share it here. But it was something I never really talked much to anyone about, and when I did it was just "Yeah, I did this." I never talked about the feelings or issues behind it except this one night with him. To this day I think that was the only time I really talked about how I felt about it.

You see? Memories. Rabin talks about how the Phish experience isn't only about the music, but about the people and relationships and shared experiences; they stick with you. Frankly, for me it was never much about the music.

Anyway, we traveled on to Missoula where all of us had or got tickets and it was a really great show. However, I had not planned at all on how to get back Seattle. In fact, if I remember correctly I was originally only planning on going to Spokane with them then heading back but decided to skip some school and go on to Missoula with them.

When it was time to go I assured them that I was a big girl and I would find my way back to Seattle. I ended up having my sister wire me some money and taking the Greyhound back. So yeah, I had my "drop everything and just go to a Phish show" experience too.

Ok, I told you it would be hard to organize all the thoughts I had about this book well. Instead it is just turning into tangents, which I knew it would.

So, going into this book I was actually much more intrigued by the ICP (Insane Clown Posse) fans than the Phish fans because I already know a lot about Phish culture but not Juggalo culture. Right away Rabin portrayed a very sympathetic view of Juggalos. I think this ties right into the title of the book. Juggalos are widely reviled except by themselves and Rabin is trying to make the point that people are unfairly judging something they don't know or understand. I can buy into that a little bit. What Rabin says makes sense and I have definitely felt sympathy for both the members of ICP themselves as well as the fans while reading this book. I can also see the appeal of the whole ICP mythos. I dig the whole creepy, gothic, evil carnival thing. Stories, books, and movies that employ this gimmick have always been entertaining to me. So yeah, even if the music sucks I can see how creepy carnival festivals could be fun.

As the book goes on, however, and Rabin starts to describe actual events at the Juggalo festivals and some things the fans actually did, my sympathy waned a bit. While simultaneously understanding that Juggalos are people too and have issues and reasons and back stories I also understand that much of the stereotype is true. Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason, after all. And frankly, I don't love a lot of what that subculture is about even if they had hardships that led them to behave that way.

To an extent I feel the same way about the Phish subculture. Rabin completely bought into it, the whole drug/music/spirituality/community gig. He describes it the way my friends and I described it when we were in it. But as an adult I know better. That is not to say that none of it was real or authentic, but a lot of it was being high on drugs. And frankly, some "hippies" are selfish and will screw you for what they want. It's not all true community and charity.

To be fair, Rabin went through all this fairly recently and going through all this gave him an epiphany about his own life that ended up being very beneficial. So, maybe as time passes he will see/remember the other side of this culture as well, but for now he is basking in the glow of the epiphany. I mean, I did have experiences on drugs and in drug induced subcultural situations that caused me to reflect on life and myself and those reflections were real and gave me insight that holds true today, so I'm not saying it's all bullshit or anything. I just know it is not all peaches and cream, that's all.

I'm still not completely done with the book, so my perspectives might slightly change by the end and I'm sure I will have more to say. I respect that Rabin is being respectful of these two subcultures; trying to advocate for them in a way. They are full of humans and humanity and pure, complete cynicism is never a good thing. I appreciate the truth, kindness, and understanding of his assessments of these cultures. Frankly, I was part of a subculture similar to both of these and I feel immense shame about it. That shame, however, is purely a result of worrying that OTHER people would find it shameful. I mean, there are aspects that I think were shameful, but there was also a lot of fun and growth and learning. So, I want to be assessed with truth, kindness, and understanding by those who might know or find out about my past as well.

Overall though, my favorite part about this book is Rabin's self discovery and how much I relate to it and how he thinks. It is just much too much for me to even communicate. Maybe by the end of the book I will be able to explain it.

Summer Daily Blog Post #2

I got up this morning and worked out before the kids got up. That was awesome. I'm hoping I can pull that off every day. It makes you feel good the rest of the day when you work out first thing.

While Mimi was at Do Jump class, Graham and I sat at the Peet's Coffee on the corner, me sipping coffee and Graham sipping a Chai Latte, each quietly reading our own book. There is something really wonderful about sitting quietly with your kid at a coffee shop while both of you read. I find that special somehow and feel a little pride about it too.

Speaking of reading, I finished the book "Freewill" and have to say that it was unsatisfying. Generally character's are what make me love a story. I need to relate to the characters or care about them, at least identify with them on some basic human level. This book was told completely from the perspective of the main character and a lot of it focused around his thoughts rather than dialogue. You would think that would create a well developed character, but it didn't. So basically, I didn't really care about or identify with any of the characters. So, it was only the mystery in the story that kept me reading. I really wanted to find out what the protagonist's issues were all about and what was behind the string of suicides in the town. In the end, nothing was really explained. So I was left with characters I didn't care about and no answers to the many questions raised in the story. Very unsatisfying. However, I have a new book that I am very excited about.

After Graham and I finished reading at the coffee shop we went over to Powell's (on Hawthorne) to kill some more time until Mimi's class was over. I ended up buying a biographical non-fiction book written by Nathan Rabin. Now I'm not really one for non-fiction but this book looked so interesting to me. Nathan Rabin writes for The Onion among other things. He decided he wanted to do an anthropological study of obsessive music fans, particularly those fans of Phish and Insane Clown Posse. So, he immersed himself in the culture of both (separately of course). The book ended up being less anthropological and more a weird self-discovery narrative within these new settings.

I've only read about four chapters, but I'm already hooked and I already really relate to Rabin. I'm well versed in the Phish culture as I partook in it myself, not as a hardcore fan, but I was there and a peripheral participator. Reading his take on this I was constantly nodding my head because he saw and felt it very similarly to the way I did. Then there is the other subculture, somewhat antithetical and yet with uncanny similarities, the Juggalos.

The Juggalos are a favorite topic of ridicule for my husband and I. I guess they are a favorite topic of ridicule for many people. Yet, they are fascinating and I am VERY curious about the genesis of the culture. So intriguing. That is all I will say for now until I read more. So, back to my day.

After picking Mimi up from class we headed to OMSI for the mummy exhibit. We went the last time it came through OMSI as well but it was MUCH better this time. It was bigger; there were a lot more mummies and some were very creepy. The coolest part was the fairly recently discovered European mummies that were found in the basement of a German museum. They were mummified naturally, not purposely. So, scientists were actually able to discover exactly who they were, their names, occupations, everything. Three were a family: mom, husband, and child.

After the mummy exhibit we enjoyed all the usual stuff at OMSI. I swear my kids could stay there all day, but I can't. I get bored and tired. So, we eventually came home and I took a nap.

I've been so tired the last few days and so hungry and I'm not sure why. Yes, I have been eating healthier and more appropriate portions that maybe my body isn't quite used to yet, but it doesn't make sense that I am THIS hungry. Also, I've been exercising and getting enough sleep so why am I so tired? I did have a bit of a sore throat and stuffy nose this morning and Mimi was incredibly tired yesterday and may have a little cold so maybe I do as well. That could be the culprit of the hunger and fatigue.

So that's it for today. Now I'm going to read more about the Juggalos. So excited!

Summer 2013 Post #1

I've decided I'm going to keep a daily blog this summer. I guess it will be more of a journal than anything else...maybe not that interesting for anyone else to read but good for me to just write.

One thing I'm going to do on this summer blog is keep track of all the books I read. I've been horrible about reading during the school year. I get all hung up on tv shows and since the only free time I have during the school year is at night before I go to bed I spend it watching those tv shows instead of reading. Even though I love reading and I'm a reading teacher, when I get out of the habit it can be a struggle to get back into it. I have all these books but none seem that appealing and if I do start one I often quit because many books don't "hook" you until you are through the introduction and I get to be a lazy reader. So....

It is summer, and I have lots of time and I ALWAYS devour books in the summer. I decided I would just start picking up the books I have one by one and reading them. Start to finish, no matter what. I actually started a little early and read a book from my school library that was recommended to me. It was called "Wonder" and I absolutely loved it. I'm going to make Graham read it.

Currently, however, I am reading a book called "Freewill". I am a little more than halfway through and it is a very strange book. I will have to finish it before I can decide if I like it or not, but it definitely has me interested.

Another thing I want to keep track of on this blog is health. This March when I found out just how bad my knee really is and that I should not run anymore, AT ALL, I decided to get really serious about biking again and my health. I lost a whole bunch of weight and it was very satisfying when I went to visit friends and family in Utah and many of them noticed. Then, I got back and school got crazy and stressful and I gained it all back and the whole plan went to hell. So I'm DETERMINED to use this summer to get back into super healthy eating habits and to get my body, particularly my legs, super strong.

The last week of school always has lots of festivities and DRINKING and then we went camping last weekend which consists of smores and DRINKING and I just wanted to enjoy myself so I decided to start  my healthy eating today, the first Monday of summer break. I've also decided no beer for two weeks which is no easy task because I LOVE beer.

So, today, day one, I've done a good job of eating appropriately and though I didn't do an official "workout" I still got plenty of exercise biking, walking, dancing, and playing with my kiddos outside today. That is my health's one saving grace, that I am a naturally active person despite my food addiction. If I wasn't I would probably be obese.

Finally, I just want to document the fun and relaxation this summer. Today was a great start. It was a joy watching Mimi in her Do Jump class which is an acrobatics/trapeze class. Mimi also had her first hip-hop class today and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much as I watched it.

The kids and I went for a bike ride today as well as playing at Laurelhurst playground and taking a little hike through the park and around the duck pond. I also got a lot of cleaning and laundry done today. I wanted to get it out of the way so I can just enjoy the rest of the week. That is one of the many wonderful things about summer, I have time to keep the house clean on a daily basis so it never gets out of hand after I clean it the first time at the beginning of the summer.

So, there it is, post #1 for the summer. I'm excited to document the next ten weeks and all the lovely adventures I hope to have.