Summer Daily Blog #5

When I started this entry it was Sunday and the final day of my first week of blogging. However, it is Tuesday now and I still haven't finished this entry. This shows that my original plan of writing an entry EVERY day is not going to happen; it is just unrealistic. But, writing 4 or 5 times a week is pretty good and gives me ample opportunity to communicate what is going on with me this summer. So, I will now scroll down a few paragraphs and finish my blog from Sunday adding information about the last few days.

I finished the Nathan Rabin book yesterday. It was kind of a glorious, lazy morning. I worked out first thing, but then I sat around on the patio reading and drinking coffee. I didn't do much else until we went to a friend's birthday party/bbq later that day.

Overall my perspective of the book is the same as my last post. I loved the book because I related so much to Rabin and his writing. The structure surrounding his experiences was much different than mine; I was never following bands in order to write books about obsessive fans while in my thirties. However, the experiences themselves were similar to some of mine and the way he describes them is very similar to the way I would describe my own parallel experiences. I also agree with so much of what he said or the way he sees things.

Before being done with discussing this book, I want to share one section of it.

"Something was wrong with me. Something was desperately wrong with me on the road, but I didn't know what it was. That ignorance was simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating. I am not immune to the tawdry, self-mythologizing romance of depression and mental illness. It's one of the few perks of being a crazy person.
'I think it sounds like,' my psychiatrist began brightly, 'judging from your experiences on the road, that you might have a mild case of' ---she paused dramatically, or at least it felt that way to me--- 'bipolar disorder.'
...When I told people later of the bipolar diagnosis, nobody seemed the least bit surprised. No one muttered, 'That can't be right! Not you! You seem so sane and grounded!' Instead the responses I received were more of the 'Well, duh!' and 'What took them so long to figure that shit out?' variety.
...Now I was able to put a name to that unsettling and oddly intoxicating feeling I'd been experiencing for the past few months: bipolar disorder. I was bipolar, which felt like both a cause for relief and a cause for concern.
When I mentioned the bipolar diagnosis to my therapist (I'm one of those lucky souls who gets to see both a therapist and a psychiatrist) later, she said her colleagues joked that there were primarily two kinds of bipolar disorder. There was the kind that got you promoted and the kind that got you arrested. I was pretty sure I had the first kind. I feared that unless it was treated, it would morph into the second variety. The diagnosis lent clarity to emotions I'd been experiencing over the course of the tour even if it felt a little fuzzy."

These paragraphs could seriously have been written by me. Just change "on the road" and "over the course of the tour" to "in my life" and you've got pretty much the exact same experience. I even have both a therapist and psychiatrist like Rabin. : )

Luckily for me, I found out in my early twenties, not my thirties like Rabin. For me, the diagnosis was mostly a good thing. I remember having these feelings at a pretty young age. What I really remember viscerally, however, was feeling them in my teens and the overwhelming sense that I had no control. The lack of control of my feelings and emotions and the scary unknown, not understanding why I felt that way or what the fuck was going on was horrible. The diagnosis took most of that away. I had a semblance of control because it was no longer an unknown. I knew what it was now, where it came from. I had a starting place to try and grasp it and begin to learn some control. It wasn't scary to try to control it now that I knew what it was. So much was lifted off my shoulders because of that. And even though I still had bouts of serious mania for a while after starting medication (because it takes more than medication to get it under control) they never, ever felt as bad again simply because I understood them now. So yeah, there is my tangent about me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. A little peek into Sydney's brain. Completely moving on now...

Between the time I started this blog on Sunday and now, I read another book. Just your standard YA fiction about teenage angst. It is called "34 Pieces of You" and it was written by Carmen Rodrigues. I liked it; I even teared up a little at the end. It wasn't anything spectacular, no John Greene or anything, but it was a good, solid book that touched upon some truths for kids who are abused and/or depressed and what they go through and what can happen as a result. So, now I have to decide what book I am going to read next.

Back to Sunday: It was Mimi's first summer session soccer class. She has moved up to the next level. It was pouring rain the entire practice but strangely very warm. After soccer, since it was so rainy, I took the kids to Monster University. I wasn't too enthusiastic, thinking it wouldn't be very good, but I really liked it. It wasn't as good as the first one which was brilliant, but it was still really enjoyable. The best part, however, was looking over at Mimi and seeing how excited and happy she was watching it. She kept giggling with glee and bouncing in her over-sized movie chair. It was awesome.

Monday Graham started Zoo Camp with his buddy, Cameron. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I am taking the boys and Cameron's mom is picking up. We are switching roles on Thursday and Friday. On Monday morning we had to get up pretty early and get our shit together because thanks to morning traffic getting all the way across town from SE Portland to the zoo takes at least a half an hour and they needed to be checked in by 9:00. It all worked out though and went pretty smoothly again this morning. It is great not having to worry about picking Graham up and having the rest of the day to do whatever I want/need.

Mimi also started her new swimming class yesterday and that's great because it is a half and hour that I get to read. She also had her second hip-hop class yesterday and she is getting better. She does a mean "Roger". Other than that, Mimi and I went to the park and hung around at home and FINALLY cleaned her disaster of a room.

This morning was weigh-in day. I haven't been perfect eating-wise the last week, but pretty damn good. I have been working out religiously and being generally active in my daily activities. Still, I wasn't sure what to expect. I am pleased to say that I am down two pounds.

Of course, there is so much more to it than the actual pounds. I don't feel thinner, and that kind of sucks. The other thing that sucks is that if I weighed what I weigh now ten years ago, my body would look AWESOME! As you get older you lose muscle mass and you have weird, loose, saggy skin from having babies and gaining and losing weight over and over again. I mean, I am two pounds away from what used to be my stopping point, the weight that left me totally satisfied with my body. I am not even close to satisfied with my body right now because it looks like it is ten pounds heavier than it did at this weight when I was younger. And the other shitty thing is, no matter how much I lose, that saggy skin will not go away. So yeah, it is kind of a bummer. But...

But, but, but...those are not things to get hung up on. I am a 38 year old woman and there is no need for a 38 year old married mom to worry too much about how she looks naked or in a bikini. What matters is that I look and feel good in clothes I like, that I am able to do all the activities I want to without struggles (other than my knee, of course, which I can't control), and that I am free of health issues and putting less weight on my knee so it will last longer before I have to get a replacement. I think those are things that I can maintain.

Tomorrow Mimi and I are probably going to Sky High, the trampoline place because that is what she wants to do. We also have plans to go to the Children's Museum on Thursday and the Zoo on Friday since we have to go up there anyway to pick up the boys both days.

I was planning on doing a 30 mile ride last Sunday, but the rain turned me off. So, I'm thinking I might see if I can do that Saturday. Of course now it is supposed to be super hot on Saturday, but I'd still like to do it. My plan is to ride the Vernonia bike trail, which I've never done before. It's 15 miles so 30 there and back. I'm hoping to get an early start so the heat won't be too much of an issue.

Finally, Graham and I are going to see the musical "The Addams Family" on Sunday night at the Keller Auditorium. The kid loves plays, what can I say? He loves musicals, comedies, and Gothic things. He particularly likes Gothic things that are kind of funny or a parody. So when he begged me to go I couldn't turn him down. It should be fun.