I think this is the happiest I have been in a long time, and it was a LONG time coming. It feels fantastic!
I'm not saying that I don't still have those moment to moment, day to day ups and downs. I mean, duh, I'm bi-polar and life is crazy. Overall, however, I am ecstatic with the joys of life.
My happiness is probabaly a combination of a lot of things. The sun shining more and the fnal arrival of Spring definitely plays it's part. Also, I've really been putting effort into my health, eating right, lots and lots and lots of exercise, and it makes me feel SO much better. Plus, back to the weather, I prefer getting my exercise outdoors and now I can.
Speaking of that, hiking more, going to the park, being outside, I guess that all is a given with the sun but it enlivens my soul. Not sure if "enliven" is a word but, who cares, it's my word. And Amelia...Amelia, Amelia, Amelia...she is the child I imagined having long before I had children. Of course, I imagined her a boy, but she is perfect the way she is. She is me but so much better. How lucky I am to have the child I always wanted and Graham, the complete surprise, so unlike anything I ever imagined. The child I never realized I always wanted until I had him.
This is a very disjointed blog but, back to Amelia. Her amazing love and connection with nature could not make me happier. Our nature girl hearts connect us in such a special way. This weekend she and I went outside early in the morning and I sat on the patio drinking coffee and reading while she watered the plants and dug for worms and then sat staring and staring at all the creepy crawlers she uncovered. She is going to study bugs some day or something like that. What is a bug scientist called? I think that is what she is going to be. She and I are so content being outside.
But I SO digress. Happiness...another reason I am happy is I finally pulled my bike out and have been riding it a lot. Well, not a lot compared to my pre-child days, but a lot compared to the last few years. Biking makes me SO happy. I put on the trailer and Mimi loves to ride back there around the neighborhood or to the store. We also bought her one of those bikes without pedals...I forget what they are called. A little pink one. She is going to LOVE it.
Most of all, though, I think my new happiness is a result of acceptance and change. I've always loved the Serenity Prayer...basically I feel like it says that you should look at yourself and the world, admit your faults or weaknesses to yourself as well as the faults of the world, assess which you can work on or change and begin that, and accept the things that you cannot change.Messessentialism...a word a character in a book made up. Reveling in the messiness that is life. Life is messy; you have to accept it, control what you can, and move on.
I went through some big internal changes this year. I analyzed myself and life extensively and was able to uncover some things for which I have been making excuses for a long time. I decided to buck up and tackle them. I also finally made peace with some things that I cannot change.
So, I guess I feel good that I can really own a lot of my happiness. Some of the components are things I don't control, such as the weather, but most of the components of my happiness were things I made happen. That kind of happiness, the kind you work for, is the best kind. And believe me, not only is making changes hard work, but also finding the inner courage to accept and make peace with yourself and your world.
So yeah, I'm really happy and I OWN my happiness.
