I have started a new post and then deleted it about three times already. Sometimes the things in my head are so intense and all over the place, it's just not the right time to write even though when they're that intense I really, really, want to get them out.
Maybe the reason I feel I can write today is because I have some more tangible places I can start, discussing what I'm actually doing or going to do today rather than just trying to organize jumbled thoughts and emotions.
Right now my son is at his call-back audition for Northwest Children's Theater's kid's drama company which is called Kid's Company. I'm nervous for him but very proud of him. I really think drama is his niche; he is naturally talented when it comes to standing up in front of people and being charismatic. Whenever he gives speeches at school he always WOWS his teachers because he adds in that dramatic flair and often uses props. I think he has a really good chance of making it, but I also really want him to understand that it is ok if he doesn't. It doesn't mean he isn't good or he messed up. I'm proud of him no matter what but he is still a novice and it might take more time. I, of course, told him all of this before he went to the auditions today.
So I am sitting here at a coffee shop FINALLY writing this blog. The thing is, I don't have to go back to pick him up until 2 and I totally could go home and clean or help Kyle out with the little monster (Mimi). I probably should. Kyle is totally hungover (though I am a bit too) and I feel kind of guilty just taking the next three hours to myself. It's kind of selfish of me. But I'm going to do it anyway. I just feel like I NEED it today and I totally don't feel like being at home or even going on some activity with Mimi. I just don't think I have the patience today.
I guess part of the way I justify hanging with myself today is that I just finished my first week of school (as a teacher). Teaching is exhausting. Period point blank. Sometimes I forget how exhausting it is over the summer. I think that is the intangible thing about teaching that makes it so hard and that those who don't teach don't understand. Sure, we get a lot of vacation and maybe we don't work as many hours as some other people (but we definitely work more than 40 hours a week during the school year). But what I think a lot of people don't understand is that when you are teaching you are ON all day. Adding in supervision you get about 25 minutes for lunch and that is pretty much it for breaks. Yes, we get a 45 minute prep, but there is shit to do so it really isn't a break. And when you are ON you are expending a lot of energy that I'm not even sure how to describe. Emotional energy maybe? These kids need so much from me: love, discipline, patience, understanding, connection, and more. Giving all that at once to 170 kids at a time (or at least 35 in a class at once) is very, very draining. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. It is ok that these kids need all those things. Kids are supposed to need a lot of things. And believe me, when it comes to the students, I love my job. I love giving them those things. The way public education is going these days, it is really the ONLY reason I do it anymore. Giving these kids what they need is super rewarding and pretty ego boosting at times as well.
OK, good, this is working. See, the best way for me to organize my thoughts enough to pin-point what I need to talk about is to start with the tangible and eventually it will connect me to a single thought/emotion that I can then articulate because it is not jumbled with all the others. So here it is. I think as an adult I often feel like I'm not getting enough validation. I mean, I'm a big girl. You grow up and you are not supposed to need the intense kind of validation we give kids. Maybe it is a sign of my immaturity or because I'm self-absorbed or because my mom over-did the validation when I was a kid so I feel like I need more. I don't know. But sometimes I feel empty and want to be boosted up with praise and validation. As adults I don't think we get a lot of that from each other. I mean, we do, but not the really intense, emotional validation I'm looking for. So now to tie it back to what I was talking about before. That's why I think I need teaching and my students. They are the ones who give me that intense validation I so desperately crave. Though there are definitely adults I would like to get more of it from, the students simultaneously empty me and fill me back up.
I've talked about this before I previous blogs I've written, though its been a few years. I really miss the emotional connections younger friendships created. Those friendships I had from about the age of 15 to 24 were the best friendships of my life. Those friendships are not gone; I am still very good friends with the most important people of that time in my life. But the friendships have changed. Of course they have changed. We grew up, got careers, started families of our own, moved away from one another. There is no way we could have maintained the intensity of those relationships. But god I miss it.
I think for a lot of people they feel your spouse should fill that void. Your spouse becomes the person you have that intense, deep, emotional relationship with. And yes, your spouse should be your friend and in a good major he/she is. But it is still not the same; it's just not.
I miss porch philosophy with Seth. I miss midnight hiking with Ben. I miss driving around all night with Melinda getting really, you know, DEEP. I miss getting drunk and all sentimental and hugging and telling each other how much we love each other and how special our friendships are. I don't know that we CAN'T do that anymore, but it is more difficult and we don't. Of course, none of them live near me so yeah, that's a problem. When I do see them the time is somewhat limited, often our kids are there, and I do think there is some societal block we all feel that you aren't SUPPOSED to do those things anymore.
I do have a few close friends here in Portland. I mean, it's not the same because they didn't grow up with me and go through all my shit with me like Seth, Ben, and Melinda. But they have still become really good friends. Again though, it is just not the same. We go out drinking sometimes but generally temper ourselves and don't get too crazy. We certainly don't have deep, philosophical discussions at 2 in the morning in the park. Why? Well one, I have a family and can't be staying out until 2 very often. But I COULD do it every once in a while. Maybe my friends aren't quite as philosophical as me or in their adult wisdom feel like they've already hashed all that out and there isn't much to talk about anymore. I don't know. Maybe they think I don't want to or can't because I have a family. I'm just not sure. I definitely haven't made those kind of connections with them where the friendship is based on those deep, emotional, meaning of life discussions because I wasn't an adolescent or teen with them and, of course, that is when your brain is really wrapping its head around that stuff and that's what you really NEED your friends for.
But I feel like I still need it.
Again, I really may speak to the fact that I never really grew out of adolescence. I mean, I matured, became more responsible, etc. I had to. But a lot of those other things, emotions, questions that others grow out of, I didn't.
So, I'm really emotional, pensive, nostalgic right now. I have been for awhile. Maybe the last three weeks. I know it started with the impending transition. Transition is always hard for me. School year to summer. Summer to school year. I LIKE change. I need it. But it is still hard. It's like even though these things end and begin yearly, I still have to mourn the loss EVERY TIME. I have to mourn the loss of another group of students that I grew to love moving on. Our I have to mourn the loss of summer and sleeping in and reading and outside, outside, outside.
Speaking of outside, once I realized I was going to be selfish today and take it all to myself I decided that after I right this blog in the coffee shop I am going to head up to Washington Park and take a solitary hike. One of my two favorite things to do in the world. I totally wore the wrong shoes because it wasn't even on my radar that I could do that if I wanted but, oh well. I once hiked up a steep, snowy trail in Danskos. So yeah, I can go to my sanctuary (outdoors) and muse in my mind and cry without anyone seeing me (hopefully) and, you know, immerse myself in the emotion which I have to admit, I like to do even if it makes me feel kind of sad or confused.
I digress. Transition. I started getting emotional because I knew transition was coming. And honestly, I ran out of my meds and didn't take them for two days AND had PMS. All those things were the impetus. But I did transition back into school smoothly, and I have my meds and the PMS is gone, but the emotional state persists and that's ok. I think I need to go through one of these a few times a year just to get it all out. It's cathartic.
I think that's all for now. There are still jumbles, lots of jumbles in my head and some of they may not even be possible to articulate. But this helped. I got some of it out.
