Me Time

I've been really emotional lately, and I'm just not quite sure why. I don't want to say I'm feeling depressed, because that isn't true. I've been teary and feeling like crying a lot, not necessarily sad crying, more a "that's really touching" crying although there isn't always something specific that I'm teary about. What I'm feeling is more of a longing than sadness. Longing for what? I don't know. That is what makes it frustrating.

Back in the day, before I realized there was a chemical contribution to my fluctuating emotions, what made it so hard was feeling like I was out of control. I didn't understand where the feelings were coming from so there was nothing I could do about it, no productive way to respond. As a medicated adult with access to great therapy I've regained a sense of control. I can't control my emotions, but I understand there is a chemical aspect that makes my emotional responses a little more extreme and, generally, I can pinpoint a few external factors that are triggering the emotions. Just knowing makes me feel in control and I know the extreme emotion will pass.

I want to reiterate that I am not sad. In fact, my life is pretty damn awesome right now. Things are going really good for me and I feel like I'm in great control of my life right now. BUT...this is the first time in a while I have had that feeling like I have no control over or understanding of my emotions. In fact, life being so great right now is part of the reason I feel so out of control, because I DON'T understand where this longing and surge of emotion is coming from.

There is this gnawing void in my gut and it is palpable; I physically feel it. Where is it coming from? What is it exactly that I want? And if I'm not going to find the answers to those questions then at least, when is it going to go away?

The truth is, I'm kind of an emotion junkie and for awhile, I was digging this. I liked feeling all pensive and emotional and DEEP. I was kind of enjoying escaping into myself, into my mind, just thinking and FEELING. But, usually it doesn't last this long, especially if there is no obvious external trigger.Now, I'm just sick of it. It's draining and I'm sick of feeling so much.

Epiphany! I'm sitting in my room, trying to write this, and my children are constantly coming in and interrupting me. I get almost zero ME time. Seriously, I almost never get to just be alone and do what I want. Kyle and I also almost never get alone US time. Me time is definitely part of what I am longing for. I don't think that explains everything. However, I think if I had more alone time it would calm my brain, relax the chemical reactions, and therefore lesson the emotional state. It also might give me more time to get to the bottom of the possible external factors.

So, that was my alone time for today. Now I'm going to go clean the house, even though I don't want to, because it needs to be cleaned and I will feel better afterwards.